Small stirrings #5

Big life changes, motherhood musings, dirty fingernails, and writing angst

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Photo by Sofia Puchkova on Unsplash

Welcome to the fifth post of this sort¹, where I share what’s been inspiring or moving me these days without linking to a million things. Like we’re just two people catching up at the local coffeeshop on what we’ve been thinking about lately.

Let’s go!

1. A big thing that’s been on my mind and heart recently is a call to be where I am. I don’t know if you know the Meyers-Briggs, but I am 100% N. Literally. No S at all. What this means is that I’m extremely comfortable in the world of abstraction, of ideas and theory—in fact, it’s very easy for me to mostly live there, and to avoid reality and instead spend time wallowing in idealism. One thing this pull to be where I am has led to is the decision to not homeschool next year. Essentially we had a lovely (but challenging too!) year of homeschooling, and it’s feeling like the next right thing to be involved in our local parish school. The funny thing is that we had decided to send the kids back to school, and I didn’t get even a whole week to dream about space to write (!!!) in the fall before God was like, actually I’d like you to teach there, too. It was truly a whole thing. I predicted I’d never go back to English teacher life for various reasons, but our school is making the shift to Catholic classical education and I’m totally compelled by it. Only a philosophy of education as beautiful as this, which honestly is similar in many ways to the philosophy of the charter school I helped found in Saint Paul, MN, could bring me back to the classroom. I’m feeling so excited and inspired to be a part of my local community in this way. More on all this to come. For now, I’ll just say this been such a big shift in the way I’m trying to show up to the world, to be fully present with what is and offer myself to what’s right in front of me, instead of living so much in idea-land and spending so much energy dreaming and scheming about what could maybe be (and complaining about what is).

2. My kids are almost 9, 7, and almost 4, and I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about this motherhood season I’m in.² I don’t have a little little one (let’s say infant-2) anymore, and I’m also not pregnant or breastfeeding. I feel two things very strongly: a sense of relief and freedom, like I have space to re-surface some of myself that I haven’t had room for in the last decade or so, and a sense of deep grief about (possibly, likely) being done with that intense season of life. There are so many pregnant women around me these days too (my cousin! several friends! my sister-in-law!), so the grief has come in waves, sometimes when I least expect it. And, and… the sense of relief is so real, too! The reality of babies and very young children is so much for me—I find it all-consuming in a way that’s very difficult for me, even as I also find it totally and completely magical and it feels semi-devastating to think I’ll never be there again. The both/and of motherhood never ceases to amaze me, and I’m really in it these days.

3. Speaking of that freedom… I’ve been attempting to prioritize my physical health really well for what feels like the first time in a decade. This isn’t something I’m proud of, but I’ve never been great at taking care of myself, even before kids. When kids came, forget it lol. So, I’m trying to sit down and eat (IYKYK). I’m taking my vitamin D. I did the DUTCH test. I hired a mom acquaintance to be my personal trainer and she made me a great strength/yoga combo weekly routine. I found a Napro OBGYN to establish care with. I’m also doing tennis³ league for the second summer in a row, which is so fun and a really great workout. I’m not gonna lie—I feel amazing. I feel really glad to be in a place where I have the physical and mental and emotional bandwidth to tend to myself in these ways. I also want to reflect more on how I could have taken better care of myself in the years of early motherhood: what my challenges were and what would have made a difference. I was talking to my brother about this. Because I don’t think it should be okay for mothers to neglect themselves for a decade (or more!) as they tend to their growing family, and it seems this happens more than most of us would like to admit.

4. I posted some Notes about Rosie (3.5) last week, different things she’s said to me, and I realized that people might think from reading them I’m a harsh mom! The reality is that while of course I’m sometimes harsher than I’d like, I rarely yell at my kids. However, all my kids are sensitive. For example, if I so much as speak firmly to Rosie she bursts into tears and calls me a “mean lady” and talks about how I “yelled at her.” It’s so fascinating. And it has me thinking about sensitivity and how it’s very much a thing and I wish more people knew about it. If you’ve read the book Bad Therapy you may remember that there’s a part where she basically mocks the idea of “sensitive” kids. I wanted to scream into a pillow. Don’t worry, that essay is still coming. Meanwhile, I’m still fuming about it and continue to bring it up in random Internet interactions:

   

   Conservatives: FEELINGS ARE LIBERAL BULLSHIT

5. We’re really going to town in the yard this year. Our garden is better than ever (still not that fancy; still very much a beginner), and we’re doing all sorts of projects to beautify our outdoor spaces! We tore out the landscaping and dug out the rocks from the front of our house and are making the area into a little patio , and we just finished a new mailbox area that includes a pretty new mailbox and a Little Free Library. (I don’t have pics now but I’ll share some in Notes!) Gardening/yard work has felt overwhelming to me for a long time and it feels so good to get out there and do things! I think it honestly also has to do with this season of not having a baby or being pregnant or breastfeeding. I think it also ties into #1, my desire to be where I am. Nothing really grounds you to a place (no pun intended) like this type of work—you have to take into consideration your specific climate but also your specific yard (soil/sun/shade etc.). It’s been really meaningful and fun to me to pour into our property in this way. I could totally see myself becoming one of those crazy garden/flower/plant people: something about it feels absolutely radical, which let’s be honest is always a draw for me!

6. It wasn’t my plan to add this last point, but before I hit publish I’m gonna talk about it, because it’s extremely alive for me and that’s what I’m here to share. I’m feeling really really angsty about my writing life. All writers feel angsty about their writing from time to time, but I’ve been feeling massive anxiety and overwhelm. Upon reflection, I think this is largely an accumulation of basically not having any space from my children for about a year now (last summer - homeschooling - this summer). I’m actually sitting at the coffeeshop right now finishing up this post, with my free iced coffee⁴, and I feel so good. Before I left the house I told my husband in a slightly (actually majorly but I hesitate to say that to the Internet for fear of being seen as unhinged) teary voice: “I feel like I’m suffocating.” I’ve definitely learned how to be with my kids a lot (and not have the “I need a break!!!” mentality), but I also am a highly sensitive person⁵ and this role is challenging for me. I think the other part of this is going back to teaching. I’m wondering what will happen to my writing; will there be space for it too alongside this teaching assignment? I’ve prayed about this, and will continue to. And you know what’s funny? I had the most interesting, related moment this morning. Clare (7) asked me, “Mom, you’ve written a book, right?” (Cue me going what did you just say?) Alice (9) was there, too. I said, “No, I haven’t actually. I do want to, but that’s a big project and I haven’t had time.” Then Alice said, “Why don’t we give you time to work on your book? We can watch Rosie for an hour every day and you can work on the book.” You guys, I kid you not. From their mouths to God’s ears…

I think that’s all for now. I hope you’re well and I’d love to know what you connected with here and/or what’s stirring in you lately!

P.P.S. We’re still going with book club! I just fell behind a little. #mayissomuch Chapter 1 was amazing—if you’ve read or are reading would love to hear any of your thoughts! Leave them on this post. (I still need to take time to write more of mine!)

1. Find the first one here, the second one here, the third one here, and the fourth one here! Paid subs have access to all past posts.

2. Another thought about this season: I feel like this is the first time I’ve been able to savor the amazing-ness that is the age of three. In the past, I’ve always had an infant to tend to and wasn’t able to really be present with this magical age. About once a day I almost tear up at how wonderful Rosie is right now. Kind of like being 11 or 12—so big, but still so little.

3. My whole family plays tennis. I’m the only one who only sort of plays… I was more interested in walking around and talking to friends about boys when we went to the courts as a family when I was younger lol

4. It’s actually my birthday today! Grateful for 42 years.

5. Or maybe I’m just a snowflake who can’t handle reality! (lol)