I’ve been reading Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern Motherhood. It’s landing for me in a big way.
I also disagree with it quite a bit, but mostly in the details. I agree with its general premise completely: modern moms are enraged, and rightfully so.
My oldest child just turned 9, so I’ve been living modern motherhood for about a decade. This is something I’ve felt essentially from the very beginning: a righteous anger. It’s why I named this publication One Tired Mother: I’m physically tired, yes, but I’m also exhausted and incensed at what I’ve experienced and seen as I’ve become a mom.
But a small sampling:
Having a traumatic birth and no or very little validation for your experience (And instead, hearing everyone say “a healthy baby is all that matters!” or that you were trying to be an overly controlling or scrupulous mom by learning about birth and advocating for yourself)
Trying to mother in a society that loves breasts except for when they’re feeding brand new humans, then um ew please do that somewhere else
Being inundated with information on how to do every single parenting/mothering thing the very Best Way and what exact items you need to own in order to do so, and also having that information conflict constantly
Living in a culture that thinks it’s totally fine and understandable to exclude children from weddings, which are literal beginnings of families but ok (and also what am I supposed to do with my children when everyone who knows them and therefore could care for them is also invited to the wedding?). Or just being ignored/excluded in general as a caregiver
Hearing over and over that staying home with your kids is “the most important work” but those same people, along with everyone else, also sort of wondering what it is you do all day and others thinking maybe you need a job and/or are maybe just have no goals in life because ya know you’re “not working”
Carrying out constant work that has no visible or tangible results but instead is just always and forever needing to be done, and getting no recognition for that work and also no real rest ever. Also, being indoctrinated to think that the work of home and children is small/easy and then being totally overwhelmed by it—disorienting AF (wrote about this recently—one of my most popular posts)
Attempting to mindfully parent your children based on neuroscience and lived experience you’d like to not pass on and being accused at every turn of spoiling them or not having enough “discipline” (while existing among a generation of parents who do actually spoil their children in the name of “gentle parenting” and getting lumped in with them)
Being told by older women that they “did their time” and also why are you complaining so much and asking for so much help (internalized oppression much?)
Living during a wave of feminism that’s obsessed with abortion but doesn’t seem to care much about the other choice—to become a mother—and what bodily agency (or agency at all!) might look like then
Mother’s Day, enough said
It’s a lot. And I just can’t be quiet about it. When the Barbie movie came out, I re-wrote the famous America Ferrera speech to be about mothers specifically (instead of women generally). I stand by it. (It’s currently unpaywalled—check it out!)
It honestly does seem next to impossible to feel peace and satisfaction as a modern mother, and I am not a complainer. What I am is a noticer. I’m highly attuned to what’s what (always have been), and what’s what is that mothering in this culture feels like a nightmare, almost no matter what choices you’re making. I might disagree with some of the voices saying this same thing, but that’s about the details. It truly shouldn’t be this hard.
I’m feeling a fire of renewal to keep talking about what I’ve been feeling for a decade. I see more and more interest in this topic, and I think that’s really exciting. Mothers deserve respect and support, and it’s beyond time.
Before I go, I wanted to say a few things about paid subscriptions here on Substack.
I support other writers here with paid subscriptions because I believe in their work. It’s not really because I get certain benefits, though I do sometimes access those. I see it like putting my money where my mouth is—like donating to a cause I believe in.
For example, I’m a paid subscriber to Women’s Work because
is a beautiful person—and a fellow mom of littles—and her writing is unique and insightful. I’m a paid subscriber to because her book is awesome and she’s a feminist voice trying to broaden and deepen the care conversation. I’m a paid subscriber to , because she’s a fellow (former) English teacher and is doing beautiful writing on motherhood and I just vibe with her. I’m a paid subscriber to because her work is incredibly thoughtful, nuanced, and grounded. She’s just the real deal and though I don’t always read her essays, the things she’s putting out never miss and I want to support work like that!I couldn’t even tell you what the benefits are to each of those women’s publications; I just know that I like them as people and/or I think the things they’re writing about are important. So I give them a few bucks a month!
Which brings me to my ask. In my last post I shared some (pretty big) life updates. I’m hoping to pick my book proposal1 back up, and with preparing to go back to teaching I don’t know what this space will look like in the future. But you know what motivates me to keep writing and speaking on motherhood and feminism? Readers. Especially one willing to throw me a few bucks a month. It’s a strong message of “I like what you’re doing. I think it matters. I’m cheering for you.”
And so, a few things:
Would you consider upgrading to a paid subscription? To help entice you, ‘til the end of the summer I’m offering 40% off forever. If you like the things I’m talking about here at One Tired Mother, I’d absolutely love to have your support in this way. It helps my family, and it tells me (and others!) that you value what I’m up to here. It’s $2.50 a month w this discount, and the rate will never go up!
One thing I’m shifting is using the chat feature for paid sub conversation only. Up to this point I hadn’t really figured out how to use the chat well, and I’ll be using it now to mostly talk motherhood (parenting/homemaking) shop, one of my favorite things to do, honestly. For example, I asked a while back who uses a microwave and it was fascinating to hear the (many) responses! I’ll be offering advice as well as asking for it!
Thank you for reading, and for considering an upgrade! I hope you’ve had a wonderful (holiday, if you’re in the U.S.) weekend!
-Amber.
P.S. Read this to get an overview of One Tired Mother, which does include a list of the benefits of being a paid subscriber, if you’re one of those Very Frugal People and really want to know what you’d be getting for that $2 a month! (No worries! Respect.)
P.P.S. You’re one of those people who skim, or maybe today’s just really busy. All good. Basically, I’m feeling renewed to keep talking about why modern motherhood feels so unbelievably exhausting (with slightly different takes than the liberal feminists talking all about it), and I’d love to have your support in the form of ~$2/month if it feels right!
I’m really excited to get started on my book proposal again, and I’m excited to tell you more about the project. (If you’ve been following me a while, you may know the working title. Don’t tell! ;) Though let’s be honest it will probably change.)
Just wanted to of course say thank you for the shout out and also I AM SO EXCITED YOU ARE PICKING IP YOUR BOOK PROPOSAL AGAIN.
upgraded 💕 sub. loved this on a day when motherhood feels especially fucking tiring (and my children especially beautiful).