"It's literally impossible to be a mother"

The Barbie movie rant, but for mothers

Photo by Elena Mishlanova on Unsplash

I saw the Barbie movie with my sister-in-law a few weeks ago. I rarely go to movies anymore, but a film examining womanhood and feminism? Sign me up.

The movie was… a lot. Visually, message-wise, all of it. Though I’d love to, I don’t have the capacity to analyze it in any sort of in-depth way (I’d have to see it again, and have more uninterrupted time on my hands). Overall I’d say I was on board with some of its messaging, annoyed by some of it, and intrigued by some of it, too.

Like I said, it was a lot.

There’s one scene that’s sort of the climax of the movie, when America Ferrera gives a big speech/rant to Barbie, starting with the line “it’s literally impossible to be a woman.” I’ll admit I teared up during it, as I imagine many women in the theaters did.

I first aligned with feminism because I love women and think women’s stories and experiences matter. However, a question I’ve been asking for years is “Where is the feminism for mothers?” Mothers are women too, as it turns out — so where is feminism on, for example, the rampant trauma and maternal mortality caused by the industrial birth complex?

So, inspired by some thinking in the shower (where the best ideas always come!), I wrote a version of the speech for mothers. What if Barbie was struggling with what it means to be a mother, like so many of us modern women are? What might the speech from her friend have sounded like then?

Being a mom these days is not for the faint of heart. Motherhood has never been easy, I’m sure, but modern mothers are subjected to strong messaging from both secular culture and church culture about what we should do and how we should do it, not to mention the onslaught of ideas we encounter on social media. It’s no joke.

With that, here’s my Barbie speech re-write, for mothers.

It is literally impossible to be a mother. You are so incredible, and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like, we always have to be extraordinary, but somehow…we’re always doing it wrong.

You have to be strict but not too strict. And you can never say it’s hard. You have to also say you love your kids if you say it’s hard. You have to have help, but you can’t ask for help because you chose to have these kids. You have to be a good mom, but you can’t be too into being a mom because that’s cringe. You have to remember motherhood is the most important job, but if you’re only mothering you’re “not working” and also you shouldn’t have too many kids. You’re supposed to be a career woman or you’re wasting your potential but also truly dedicated mothers stay home. You have to breastfeed, but there will be no support and also fed is actually best. You have to heal your childhood trauma, but also you won’t have enough alone time to think a complete thought.

You have to answer for medical professionals’ bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you’re accused of being difficult or wanting your baby to die. You’re supposed to like being a mom but not so much that you make it your whole identity or threaten other mothers because if you love being a mom that means you think you’re better than other moms.

But always be happy and always be grateful. You might need a break and that’s okay but also never forget that it goes by so fast. So find a way to acknowledge that but always be grateful.  

You also have to never complain, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.

I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other mother do the hardest, most sacred work in the world and doubt and beat themselves up so much.

If you’re a mother, what stood out for you? I’d love to know. And feel free to add a line of your own!

(Listen to America Ferrera deliver the original speech. It’s way better than my voiceover of this post!)