I’ve been noticing lately that I’m more tempted to tell my child to share just to make the other one stop whining. Which is…entirely unhelpful and dysfunctional for everyone! But the desire for immediate peace when I am overwhelmed by the noise is strong enough to make me lose my wits at times! More fundamental than generosity is understanding that I’m not entitled to anything and everything I want, immediately, even if it’s not mine. I’ve been trying to slow down and focus on that.
Yeah, it’s funny the things we say to our kids when we’re overwhelmed. Sometimes in more mindful moments I’m like, what did I just tell them? That was so weird/confusing/nonsensical😅 But yeah, overwhelm (esp sensory) will do that!
And YES! That’s part of it too, for sure—kids need to understand they’re not entitled to things they want! The flip side.
Thank you for this thoughtful piece. I want to share two thoughts. 1. There is a difference between sharing as you define it RE the balloon and taking turns. I would never make my kid give up that balloon, and in fact, I’d be mortified (and give him a talking to) if he asked for a balloon at someone else’s party. The person in the wrong there was the other girl’s parent, for even entertaining that inappropriate request. You don’t get to take what belongs to someone else: that’s not really sharing; it’s a kind of seizing lol. But I do, as you point out, absolutely require that my kids take turns. On a park swing, with a toy if they have a friend over, etc. Because that is social grace/good manners. 2. I do not have girls. If I did, I’d err more on the side of less social grace/less people pleasing because I think they get that messaging enough elsewhere, on top of being, in many cases, more agreeable to start. With my sons, I am at baseline less worried about it. In part because none of them is particularly agreeable in that way, and in part because I am more worried about them not being jerks haha. That said, this is some really good food for thought. Because even though this remains the case, it is also true that my most naturally willful one is also my most empathetic/politically astute one, and so it is really important for us to keep an eye on this as he gets older — especially, I think, once he starts having more interactions/relationships with girls.
Thank you for this post, I think about this all the time! I also find it so interesting how, like you said, “you need to share!” is one of the most common things parents are trying to teach their children, but sharing is really not something that’s expected of you as an adult. Adults don’t really have toys and they aren’t expected to share any of their other things (phone, kindle, bike, golf clubs, etc.) sooo what are we preparing our kids for? It seems so silly.
Yes to this. Consideration for others is important, but not if it teaches kids to ignore their own needs in the process. Children (especially the more sensitive ones) learn to make others comfortable at the expense of their own comfort, just to feel loved or accepted. If we want to raise kids who are truly empathetic, we also need to teach them boundaries, to be self-aware as much as to be aware of others, and that their own inner voice matters just as much as anyone else’s. But people-pleasing is not the same as kindness.
Great perspective Amber! I haven’t thought about sharing in these terms before. I am a chronic people pleaser so it was good food for thought.
My kids are younger than yours so currently we have a situation where the 18month old will “share” because she doesn’t understand the concept of something being hers, whilst the 3.5 year old delights in taking her younger sisters toys and then refusing to share her own. So my current stance on sharing is basically that if my eldest wants to use her sisters toys, she must let her little sister use her toys. And regardless of who the toy belongs to, she isn’t allowed to just snatch it away. I think my most used phrase is “if you want to play with Bonnie’s toys, you must let her play with yours”, I’m trying to help her understand that she can’t just take everything that she wants and then refuse to reciprocate.
I do remember in Hunt Gather Parent where the author basically says that if you’re asking a kid a question, eg “would you like to share your cookie” then you have to be ok with whatever their answer is, otherwise don’t ask a question, give a command. That’s something I’ve been paying attention - seems like it’s super common for moms especially to “ask” their kids but really it’s a command dressed up as a question. Which kind of ties in with your point about how we inadvertently teach our kids to be people pleasers!
It’s interesting because my grandmother always told me I need to make my kids share with each other to learn to be nice. I’ve always advocated for my kids to work it out themselves, honored their time with their toys, and I really only encourage them to share things like swings at the park (ya know, no hogging).
Now at 8 and 6, my kids are thoughtful of how other kids feel, they’re great playmates and sharers, but they’re also really good at saying what they think and feel about their playtime with others. They don’t feel the need to protect every little toy, but they know when something is special to them, it’s okay to keep it for themselves.
Maybe there’s a better way, maybe I had it easy because all my kids have siblings to practice on. But I like my kids so I’m glad I trusted my gut!
Such good food for thought! I sometimes find myself feeling the pull to encourage my daughter to share more out of not wanting to displease the other parent, than an actual belief in the importance of sharing in that particular context. I'm trying to not let my own desire to people please impact how I teach her to hold her own boundaries.
It's also interesting watching other parents do this. Sometimes my toddler might take or snatch a toy from another child. I usually try to watch to see if she'll give it back (without immediately interfering), and often she'll excitedly bring it to me to show me. I always direct her to give it back to the other child because a) she snatched it and b) it isn't hers. Usually, the other parent will say that it's fine for her to take it and play with it... but what are they teaching their child in the process? It is fine if others snatch and take your things? You shouldn't feel uneasy when others cross boundaries?
I started life as a mum coaching my kids to share and somehow it felt wrong, plus it didn't work, they just got cranky with me as well as each other. And the more I thought about it the better I felt about not insisting that they share. I learned some tips on how to protect their space and their belongings and their autonomy. It took a while but by the time my youngest was born I felt more confident.
We try to infuse sharing in to family norms rather than insist on sharing on demand. One example is that all the toys become communal after a couple of weeks. The kids each have a few special things but everything else is available to everyone. We also ask for clarity rather than acquiescence when handling a disagreement. "You don't have to give up that toy, but please be clear about when you'll be done or how you'd like to play together."
Yeah people pleasing is not a problem in our house... Between my eldest on the spectrum, the choleric 2nd and the wiley third, all girls... No one is pleasing anyone unless it's to try and extract a cookie or get the recently confiscated toy back.
My second one especially. She's a total tomboy and can't be told nothing... It's all I can do to try not to walk into too many walls of sheer will power. She does need to be made aware of her power and that she needs to take turns and let her sisters do their own thing or direct the game and to not throw herself into a rage when they win.
So yes. We share by taking turns. And I watch the wiley third for throwing tantrums to get big sister in trouble. The older one on the spectrum is the most sensitive, but is not a pushover. Even if she can't get the words out, she's not interested in what you're trying to achieve so long as she gets hers.
I have to be explicit about caring for other people's feelings and how good it is to keep their baby siblings happy or being kind to their friends means doing what they want to do even if they don't feel like it sometimes. So yes I still use the word share, but I also make sure they know what it actually means and it's how you work with others successfully.
I’ve been noticing lately that I’m more tempted to tell my child to share just to make the other one stop whining. Which is…entirely unhelpful and dysfunctional for everyone! But the desire for immediate peace when I am overwhelmed by the noise is strong enough to make me lose my wits at times! More fundamental than generosity is understanding that I’m not entitled to anything and everything I want, immediately, even if it’s not mine. I’ve been trying to slow down and focus on that.
Great post, thanks for dusting it off for us!
Yeah, it’s funny the things we say to our kids when we’re overwhelmed. Sometimes in more mindful moments I’m like, what did I just tell them? That was so weird/confusing/nonsensical😅 But yeah, overwhelm (esp sensory) will do that!
And YES! That’s part of it too, for sure—kids need to understand they’re not entitled to things they want! The flip side.
Thanks for reading + commenting Leah♥️
Thank you for this thoughtful piece. I want to share two thoughts. 1. There is a difference between sharing as you define it RE the balloon and taking turns. I would never make my kid give up that balloon, and in fact, I’d be mortified (and give him a talking to) if he asked for a balloon at someone else’s party. The person in the wrong there was the other girl’s parent, for even entertaining that inappropriate request. You don’t get to take what belongs to someone else: that’s not really sharing; it’s a kind of seizing lol. But I do, as you point out, absolutely require that my kids take turns. On a park swing, with a toy if they have a friend over, etc. Because that is social grace/good manners. 2. I do not have girls. If I did, I’d err more on the side of less social grace/less people pleasing because I think they get that messaging enough elsewhere, on top of being, in many cases, more agreeable to start. With my sons, I am at baseline less worried about it. In part because none of them is particularly agreeable in that way, and in part because I am more worried about them not being jerks haha. That said, this is some really good food for thought. Because even though this remains the case, it is also true that my most naturally willful one is also my most empathetic/politically astute one, and so it is really important for us to keep an eye on this as he gets older — especially, I think, once he starts having more interactions/relationships with girls.
Thank you for this post, I think about this all the time! I also find it so interesting how, like you said, “you need to share!” is one of the most common things parents are trying to teach their children, but sharing is really not something that’s expected of you as an adult. Adults don’t really have toys and they aren’t expected to share any of their other things (phone, kindle, bike, golf clubs, etc.) sooo what are we preparing our kids for? It seems so silly.
Yes to this. Consideration for others is important, but not if it teaches kids to ignore their own needs in the process. Children (especially the more sensitive ones) learn to make others comfortable at the expense of their own comfort, just to feel loved or accepted. If we want to raise kids who are truly empathetic, we also need to teach them boundaries, to be self-aware as much as to be aware of others, and that their own inner voice matters just as much as anyone else’s. But people-pleasing is not the same as kindness.
Great perspective Amber! I haven’t thought about sharing in these terms before. I am a chronic people pleaser so it was good food for thought.
My kids are younger than yours so currently we have a situation where the 18month old will “share” because she doesn’t understand the concept of something being hers, whilst the 3.5 year old delights in taking her younger sisters toys and then refusing to share her own. So my current stance on sharing is basically that if my eldest wants to use her sisters toys, she must let her little sister use her toys. And regardless of who the toy belongs to, she isn’t allowed to just snatch it away. I think my most used phrase is “if you want to play with Bonnie’s toys, you must let her play with yours”, I’m trying to help her understand that she can’t just take everything that she wants and then refuse to reciprocate.
I do remember in Hunt Gather Parent where the author basically says that if you’re asking a kid a question, eg “would you like to share your cookie” then you have to be ok with whatever their answer is, otherwise don’t ask a question, give a command. That’s something I’ve been paying attention - seems like it’s super common for moms especially to “ask” their kids but really it’s a command dressed up as a question. Which kind of ties in with your point about how we inadvertently teach our kids to be people pleasers!
Love the reminder that we should not disguise commands with questions that have only one appropriate answer!
It’s interesting because my grandmother always told me I need to make my kids share with each other to learn to be nice. I’ve always advocated for my kids to work it out themselves, honored their time with their toys, and I really only encourage them to share things like swings at the park (ya know, no hogging).
Now at 8 and 6, my kids are thoughtful of how other kids feel, they’re great playmates and sharers, but they’re also really good at saying what they think and feel about their playtime with others. They don’t feel the need to protect every little toy, but they know when something is special to them, it’s okay to keep it for themselves.
Maybe there’s a better way, maybe I had it easy because all my kids have siblings to practice on. But I like my kids so I’m glad I trusted my gut!
Such good food for thought! I sometimes find myself feeling the pull to encourage my daughter to share more out of not wanting to displease the other parent, than an actual belief in the importance of sharing in that particular context. I'm trying to not let my own desire to people please impact how I teach her to hold her own boundaries.
It's also interesting watching other parents do this. Sometimes my toddler might take or snatch a toy from another child. I usually try to watch to see if she'll give it back (without immediately interfering), and often she'll excitedly bring it to me to show me. I always direct her to give it back to the other child because a) she snatched it and b) it isn't hers. Usually, the other parent will say that it's fine for her to take it and play with it... but what are they teaching their child in the process? It is fine if others snatch and take your things? You shouldn't feel uneasy when others cross boundaries?
I started life as a mum coaching my kids to share and somehow it felt wrong, plus it didn't work, they just got cranky with me as well as each other. And the more I thought about it the better I felt about not insisting that they share. I learned some tips on how to protect their space and their belongings and their autonomy. It took a while but by the time my youngest was born I felt more confident.
We try to infuse sharing in to family norms rather than insist on sharing on demand. One example is that all the toys become communal after a couple of weeks. The kids each have a few special things but everything else is available to everyone. We also ask for clarity rather than acquiescence when handling a disagreement. "You don't have to give up that toy, but please be clear about when you'll be done or how you'd like to play together."
Yeah people pleasing is not a problem in our house... Between my eldest on the spectrum, the choleric 2nd and the wiley third, all girls... No one is pleasing anyone unless it's to try and extract a cookie or get the recently confiscated toy back.
My second one especially. She's a total tomboy and can't be told nothing... It's all I can do to try not to walk into too many walls of sheer will power. She does need to be made aware of her power and that she needs to take turns and let her sisters do their own thing or direct the game and to not throw herself into a rage when they win.
So yes. We share by taking turns. And I watch the wiley third for throwing tantrums to get big sister in trouble. The older one on the spectrum is the most sensitive, but is not a pushover. Even if she can't get the words out, she's not interested in what you're trying to achieve so long as she gets hers.
I have to be explicit about caring for other people's feelings and how good it is to keep their baby siblings happy or being kind to their friends means doing what they want to do even if they don't feel like it sometimes. So yes I still use the word share, but I also make sure they know what it actually means and it's how you work with others successfully.
I should add, this made me think and will refine some of my messaging.