Chapter two really kicked my brain into gear to read from my midwife's vision as much as from my mama vision. I've been making notes in the margins of my book as we go, tying in threads of relevant topics, and I am particularly intrigued by how much of this conversation around food is relevant to supporting mothers and their newborns through breastfeeding difficulties. The recipe for the dance of satiation applies to meals, of course, and it also applies to the physiological patterning and challenges in nursing a baby. Amber, I totally agree about wanting that recipe on my fridge, and I also think it would be very valuable to go over with clients in prenatal nutrition/breastfeeding education!
Maslow's hierarchy of needs has never fully landed with me as lining up with reality; it seems reductionistic to try to separate connection from survival needs. And I'm jumping back to my birthwork lens again: It's really interesting that so much of our newborn care—for routine birth/postpartum care but in particular NICU and PICU care—is focused the maintenance of bodily systems while often excluding the connection that can often be the key element in stabilizing struggling babies. Even breathing can ease or become more difficult based directly on connection with other humans. And yet parents are often distanced from their babies precisely when connection would be most crucial for improving chances of survival. It's mindblowing to me to think that so many of our modern parenting and healthcare approaches are based in the absence of connection in Maslow's own relationships, a true example of the distortion being mistaken for the physiological and then cemented into practice for generations to come.
Oh man, YES to all of this. Such a beautiful connection to breastfeeding - I feel like I'll be reading the rest of the book with this in mind! I'm currently not breastfeeding for the first time in many years (so sad that I may never again) but I do follow the conversation around it on social media, and so much of it, whether it's "breast is best" or "fed is best" seems focused on the nutrition aspect, the composition of the milk itself. Which, as many know, is only part of a much bigger picture of nourishment! But I guess it makes sense because, as you go into in the second paragraph, much of our "expertise" is based in frameworks that don't consider the more mysterious spiritual/human elements of life.
I'm a big nerd around Maslows theory so I loved they she discussed it! It did blow my mind a bit that she didn't accept it as gospel but I was totally open to her argument that we need care and connection first. If anyone is interested in how Maslows hierarchy of needs relates to our anxiety pandemic, I'd recommend Welcome to the United States of Anxiety by Jen Lancaster.
Regarding the DOR, I mentioned this in the last discussion but will bring up again--I stopped asking what the kids want to eat and just picked something to prepare and offer them. I'm reclaiming that care responsibility while also giving them the autonomy of how much or if they want to eat. (Which is still so hard when they resist). However it explains why when I literally serve them their favorite meal or something as safe as hot dogs or chicken nuggets, they say "I don't like this." It's not that they all of sudden don't like those food items--it's just their way of reclaiming autonomy or rejecting my invitation to connect with them. It's not the hot dogs--it's about the state of our relationship or their receptivity in that day.
I don't think I've heard of her or that book! I'll check it out!
Great thoughts around DOR. And reading them gave me further insight into why it's so upsetting when kids don't eat. I always thought it was just because it's worrisome, like feeding the people we're in charge of is so basic and it feels like failure of that basic task. And also because (especially for those of us who grew up in rural farming communities?) food gets wasted, and waste is a cardinal sin. But there's maybe a deeper grief there too - that something in your connection with your kids is off, and that's straight up painful.
I loved this chapter, especially learning more about Maslow and how he formulated his hierarchy of needs. It makes so, so much sense to me that we need attachment/connection FIRST, and I see this clearly when my littles want me or my husk and to serve them food when we are outside the house. Even if it’s just a snack at a party, they don’t want to be fed by someone they don’t have a relationship with. And as someone who grew up with a mom who hated to cook and had a really unhealthy relationship with food, it’s so important to me that my boys experience meals as times of connection and joy, instead of stress and anxiety. And, by some miracle, I truly love cooking and have experienced so much healing in my relationship with food since I got married 7 years ago. My prayer is that we can establish a family food culture that is built on strong attachment to one another and to the food we eat and the God who provides it (through farmers and ranchers).
Yes, interesting to learn that he himself had very poor connection with his own parents! It reminded me of when I've read about some of the most influential voices in the feminist movement... there's definitely a case to be made that they extrapolated from their personal pain to make statements about culture/reality as well. Fascinating.
I love your example of kids not wanting to be "fed" by someone else! That's so true! I've actually wondered about that... like what's the big deal if your uncle gets you your plate of options that you may or not eat, or if I do it (or Dad)? But it's just that: food and relationship can't be separated.
It's great to hear you're changing a pattern from your upbringing... that's such hard work and I see you in that! There's this line in a song I've been listening to lately: "kick down doors for others to walk through." Feels resonant. Trying to shift things for your kids and generations to come is a whole thing.
#1 - I love this analysis; it rings totally true for me. So much of our culture sees personal potential as the highest aim, the best place one can get to. Even if we interpret personal potential as personal growth (as opposed to, say, career goals), it's still so self-focused. The real potential of human beings is in the realization of our interdependence and the dedication to the well-being of others as well as ourselves. (And obviously, in a Christian point of view, the realization that we get to both surrender to and co-create with a loving God.) I keep thinking about how this little triangle has helped shape what we see as the purpose of life, when it's really just one man's theory. Wild. (Especially considering his personal history - see dialogue w Christina.)
#2 - I want this on my fridge. It's such a gorgeous summary of what connected parenting looks like and feels like.
Chapter two really kicked my brain into gear to read from my midwife's vision as much as from my mama vision. I've been making notes in the margins of my book as we go, tying in threads of relevant topics, and I am particularly intrigued by how much of this conversation around food is relevant to supporting mothers and their newborns through breastfeeding difficulties. The recipe for the dance of satiation applies to meals, of course, and it also applies to the physiological patterning and challenges in nursing a baby. Amber, I totally agree about wanting that recipe on my fridge, and I also think it would be very valuable to go over with clients in prenatal nutrition/breastfeeding education!
Maslow's hierarchy of needs has never fully landed with me as lining up with reality; it seems reductionistic to try to separate connection from survival needs. And I'm jumping back to my birthwork lens again: It's really interesting that so much of our newborn care—for routine birth/postpartum care but in particular NICU and PICU care—is focused the maintenance of bodily systems while often excluding the connection that can often be the key element in stabilizing struggling babies. Even breathing can ease or become more difficult based directly on connection with other humans. And yet parents are often distanced from their babies precisely when connection would be most crucial for improving chances of survival. It's mindblowing to me to think that so many of our modern parenting and healthcare approaches are based in the absence of connection in Maslow's own relationships, a true example of the distortion being mistaken for the physiological and then cemented into practice for generations to come.
Oh man, YES to all of this. Such a beautiful connection to breastfeeding - I feel like I'll be reading the rest of the book with this in mind! I'm currently not breastfeeding for the first time in many years (so sad that I may never again) but I do follow the conversation around it on social media, and so much of it, whether it's "breast is best" or "fed is best" seems focused on the nutrition aspect, the composition of the milk itself. Which, as many know, is only part of a much bigger picture of nourishment! But I guess it makes sense because, as you go into in the second paragraph, much of our "expertise" is based in frameworks that don't consider the more mysterious spiritual/human elements of life.
I'm a big nerd around Maslows theory so I loved they she discussed it! It did blow my mind a bit that she didn't accept it as gospel but I was totally open to her argument that we need care and connection first. If anyone is interested in how Maslows hierarchy of needs relates to our anxiety pandemic, I'd recommend Welcome to the United States of Anxiety by Jen Lancaster.
Regarding the DOR, I mentioned this in the last discussion but will bring up again--I stopped asking what the kids want to eat and just picked something to prepare and offer them. I'm reclaiming that care responsibility while also giving them the autonomy of how much or if they want to eat. (Which is still so hard when they resist). However it explains why when I literally serve them their favorite meal or something as safe as hot dogs or chicken nuggets, they say "I don't like this." It's not that they all of sudden don't like those food items--it's just their way of reclaiming autonomy or rejecting my invitation to connect with them. It's not the hot dogs--it's about the state of our relationship or their receptivity in that day.
I don't think I've heard of her or that book! I'll check it out!
Great thoughts around DOR. And reading them gave me further insight into why it's so upsetting when kids don't eat. I always thought it was just because it's worrisome, like feeding the people we're in charge of is so basic and it feels like failure of that basic task. And also because (especially for those of us who grew up in rural farming communities?) food gets wasted, and waste is a cardinal sin. But there's maybe a deeper grief there too - that something in your connection with your kids is off, and that's straight up painful.
I loved this chapter, especially learning more about Maslow and how he formulated his hierarchy of needs. It makes so, so much sense to me that we need attachment/connection FIRST, and I see this clearly when my littles want me or my husk and to serve them food when we are outside the house. Even if it’s just a snack at a party, they don’t want to be fed by someone they don’t have a relationship with. And as someone who grew up with a mom who hated to cook and had a really unhealthy relationship with food, it’s so important to me that my boys experience meals as times of connection and joy, instead of stress and anxiety. And, by some miracle, I truly love cooking and have experienced so much healing in my relationship with food since I got married 7 years ago. My prayer is that we can establish a family food culture that is built on strong attachment to one another and to the food we eat and the God who provides it (through farmers and ranchers).
Yes, interesting to learn that he himself had very poor connection with his own parents! It reminded me of when I've read about some of the most influential voices in the feminist movement... there's definitely a case to be made that they extrapolated from their personal pain to make statements about culture/reality as well. Fascinating.
I love your example of kids not wanting to be "fed" by someone else! That's so true! I've actually wondered about that... like what's the big deal if your uncle gets you your plate of options that you may or not eat, or if I do it (or Dad)? But it's just that: food and relationship can't be separated.
It's great to hear you're changing a pattern from your upbringing... that's such hard work and I see you in that! There's this line in a song I've been listening to lately: "kick down doors for others to walk through." Feels resonant. Trying to shift things for your kids and generations to come is a whole thing.
#1 - I love this analysis; it rings totally true for me. So much of our culture sees personal potential as the highest aim, the best place one can get to. Even if we interpret personal potential as personal growth (as opposed to, say, career goals), it's still so self-focused. The real potential of human beings is in the realization of our interdependence and the dedication to the well-being of others as well as ourselves. (And obviously, in a Christian point of view, the realization that we get to both surrender to and co-create with a loving God.) I keep thinking about how this little triangle has helped shape what we see as the purpose of life, when it's really just one man's theory. Wild. (Especially considering his personal history - see dialogue w Christina.)
Interesting. Definitely going to look up his life story. And curious if he saw humans as spiritual beings or simply highly evolved animals.
Please share what you learn! His worldview seems pretty secular to me, just based on this. I don't know (or remember) much else about him or his work