“The sea rises, the light fails, lovers cling to each other, and children cling to us. The moment we cease to hold each other, the moment we break faith with one another, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out.”
James Baldwin, Nothing Personal
A big part of Chapter 2 is the author questioning one of the most foundational structures of modern psychology: Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. I’m sure you’ve seen it. It’s a triangle the lays out the order of a human’s…well, needs. At the base is physiological needs (food, water), then safety, then love and belonging, then self-esteem, then, at the pinnacle, self-actualization. She argues—quite compellingly—that love and belonging should actually come first, not third, that neuroscience has shown us that connection and attachment are actually the most foundational to human survival and thriving.
The second part of the chapter is talking about the three “relational dances” we can be in with our kids: satiation (the ideal), frustration, and competition.
Questions to spark discussion
“When Maslow placed self-actualization at the pinnacle of development, he was reflecting traditional North American values of independence and self-determination. He didn’t see maturity and selfhood as the place we emerge from and in which we become providers for others. Our destiny is not only one of self-care, but also to make a contribution to our community and become stewards of the earth to support future generations.” (p. 51) Thoughts?
What stood out to you from the “Recipe for The Dance of Satiation” on pages 56-57? Why?
On page 59, the author references the work of Ellyn Satter. Her concept of “division of responsibility” (often called “DOR”) has been super helpful for me, so I loved to see it in this book. Have you heard of this idea?
Consider each of your kids. What dance (of the three) do you feel you’re currently doing with each of them?
What stood out to you in this chapter? What insights or connections did you make?1
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!
Also, please don’t stress about making sure you comment on just the right section. (Goodness knows mothers don’t need more details to keep track of.) Comment any thoughts, on any of these posts—I’m mostly just doing a post a chapter to keep us/me on track to finish by the end of the summer!
Feel free to also glance at the discussion questions in the back of the book, but I decided I’m not going to document them moving forward. As an English teacher, I always wrote my own questions for my students instead of using ones from a curriculum guide… looks like nothing has changed :)
#2 - I want this on my fridge. It's such a gorgeous summary of what connected parenting looks like and feels like.
Chapter two really kicked my brain into gear to read from my midwife's vision as much as from my mama vision. I've been making notes in the margins of my book as we go, tying in threads of relevant topics, and I am particularly intrigued by how much of this conversation around food is relevant to supporting mothers and their newborns through breastfeeding difficulties. The recipe for the dance of satiation applies to meals, of course, and it also applies to the physiological patterning and challenges in nursing a baby. Amber, I totally agree about wanting that recipe on my fridge, and I also think it would be very valuable to go over with clients in prenatal nutrition/breastfeeding education!
Maslow's hierarchy of needs has never fully landed with me as lining up with reality; it seems reductionistic to try to separate connection from survival needs. And I'm jumping back to my birthwork lens again: It's really interesting that so much of our newborn care—for routine birth/postpartum care but in particular NICU and PICU care—is focused the maintenance of bodily systems while often excluding the connection that can often be the key element in stabilizing struggling babies. Even breathing can ease or become more difficult based directly on connection with other humans. And yet parents are often distanced from their babies precisely when connection would be most crucial for improving chances of survival. It's mindblowing to me to think that so many of our modern parenting and healthcare approaches are based in the absence of connection in Maslow's own relationships, a true example of the distortion being mistaken for the physiological and then cemented into practice for generations to come.