I'm still working through this section but had a striking thought that I had to come share. I'm finding this so interesting because I'm currently in a power struggle with my 6 yr old where I feel that my authority has no impact on him. However, he's also school age now and his sister (age 4) is old enough where they can play certain games together. In fact, they've been playing really well. I'm wondering if the number of siblings or proximity in age has any direct correlation to peer orientation (and maybe he gets to this eventually). I am currently spending more time with the baby and 2 yr old so it makes total sense at this stage of life that the 4 & 6 yr old would orient to each other because I'm lacking time/connection with them.
Hi! Apologies for the very late reply. This is really interesting! I bet at some level it's happening. Probably not totally, of course, but, like, temporal orientation? I feel like I notice this too when I haven't connected with my kids and they've spent more time with, say, the neighbor kiddos... I have less influence with them until I do some work to reconnect.
I do feel the same that it’s encouraging to know I’m not alone in making intentional decisions with my littles that are very different from how I was raised or how society views parenting should be, esp coming from Christian culture that highly believes spanking is what the Bible teaches (basically they have God on their side of how they parent)
Working on intentional connection with my littles. It can be so easy to just be around my kids, but not really connecting with them.
I've just finished! I know I'm late but oh well :)
I love your reflections about how community is uplifting in parenting work. It's really encouraging to know I'm not the only one and that I have a community of women, albeit spread out and scattered, all over the country. This book club has been pivotal in holding me accountable to FINISHING--something that's still an acquaintance to me hehe.
Notes on this section:
-If pressure is required then something is amiss. This reframe is so important to consider in a moment of friction w/ our kids. I've experienced the truth of this many times. My daughter is railing against me full force and what she actually needs is some 1-1 time to reconnect to me, because that's how our kids ground themselves--in their secure attachment to us. I always have to remind myself that this is normal and natural bc I was raised to be painfully independent and a lot of times, practicing attachment parenting can feel like codependence to me. I KNOW that this 'codependency' doesn't apply to the parent-child relationship in the developmental years, but it's still conditioning that I have to actively + frequently untangle myself from.
Which leads me to my next point...
-attachment relies on their dependence on you; we cannot truly take care of a child who doesn't depend on us to be taken care of. This is particularly relevant to our generation of parents. In general, we’re in such a hurry to see kids do things themselves that we can’t see or accept that they’re actually very dependent on us. This is treated as ‘neediness’, ‘clinginess’ or ‘baby’ behavior. We fail to acknowledge the actual development of kids’ brains—the first large chunk of psychological development isn’t completed until around age 7. Guidance will not be heeded unless we act as the caregiver.
- Attachment over skills. Wow. This is so counter to our generation of parents. These billion dollar course/coaching industries designed around gaining parenting skills reflects its’ popularity. And I like how he mentions that this just reinforces our feelings of inadequacy after going through all the materials…cuz idk about you, but I know I’ve sought for a solution in that industry and been super disappointed w/ it’s inefficacy but also how misaligned some of the methods feel.
- I love that he pointed out how, the stronger the attachment of parent-child, the more intuitive and natural parenting becomes.
Gosh, I have so many more notes on these chapters but it’s been a hard morning. Maybe I’ll do a part 2 when I have the focus/energy <3
I don't remember that part on pressure - I'm going to go back. I think sometimes pressure is required even if there is connection... because part of the job of kids is to see where limits are, ya know? It's developmentally normal and appropriate. But maybe he was talking about like big defiance.
I just started reading a book on codependence actually! Thanks for sharing that. It's interesting to think about that topic and its relation to the topic of this book. It's like, do people become co-dependent because they have attachment issues? I suppose so, right? It's like one part in the most recent section, people who are still obsessed with their attachment needs, like children. They've never gotten them met, so they find their identity and their happiness in "relationships" with other people. That is codependence. Right?
Yes the dependence thing, we need to honor their dependence on us in order for true independence to be fostered. For sure our (American) culture is obsessed with independence as soon as possible. And even if our kids CAN do something themselves, that doesn't mean it's bad for us to help them if they request it! I've had to realize my own tendency here. Our middle child often wants us to "help" her do things, like get dressed, put her shoes on, go to another room (she wants to be carried). She's 5. I can't remember what section it was in, maybe the most recent, but they said would you say to your partner asking you for help "I think you can do it yourself"? No. I'm always tempted to say that (because we have places to go!) but I'm getting better at being okay with being late or slow so that I can help her with whatever she's wanting help with, because it's a bid for connection.
I actually haven't engaged much with the parenting solutions industry. Probably a bit for some specific issues? I can't remember lol. Overall I've been a pretty intuitive parent, but I think I maybe had a leg up because I was a teacher? And I also did a lot of personal growth work before becoming a parent and I think I had a sense of the things I didn't want to repeat. I do remember finding Janet Lansbury and being like, Yep, this is how I parent. Yes, love that point about how the stronger the relationship, the most you can just parent out of intuition. Because you know your child. I've totally found that to be true!
I'm still working through this section but had a striking thought that I had to come share. I'm finding this so interesting because I'm currently in a power struggle with my 6 yr old where I feel that my authority has no impact on him. However, he's also school age now and his sister (age 4) is old enough where they can play certain games together. In fact, they've been playing really well. I'm wondering if the number of siblings or proximity in age has any direct correlation to peer orientation (and maybe he gets to this eventually). I am currently spending more time with the baby and 2 yr old so it makes total sense at this stage of life that the 4 & 6 yr old would orient to each other because I'm lacking time/connection with them.
Hi! Apologies for the very late reply. This is really interesting! I bet at some level it's happening. Probably not totally, of course, but, like, temporal orientation? I feel like I notice this too when I haven't connected with my kids and they've spent more time with, say, the neighbor kiddos... I have less influence with them until I do some work to reconnect.
Love your reflections here.
I do feel the same that it’s encouraging to know I’m not alone in making intentional decisions with my littles that are very different from how I was raised or how society views parenting should be, esp coming from Christian culture that highly believes spanking is what the Bible teaches (basically they have God on their side of how they parent)
Working on intentional connection with my littles. It can be so easy to just be around my kids, but not really connecting with them.
Everyday is slow progress ♥️
Thanks for sharing. And great point that it's not just about being around them - it's about the energy and presence and felt connection. So true.
And yes, I feel like Christian parenting culture has a long way to go. Ugh.
I've just finished! I know I'm late but oh well :)
I love your reflections about how community is uplifting in parenting work. It's really encouraging to know I'm not the only one and that I have a community of women, albeit spread out and scattered, all over the country. This book club has been pivotal in holding me accountable to FINISHING--something that's still an acquaintance to me hehe.
Notes on this section:
-If pressure is required then something is amiss. This reframe is so important to consider in a moment of friction w/ our kids. I've experienced the truth of this many times. My daughter is railing against me full force and what she actually needs is some 1-1 time to reconnect to me, because that's how our kids ground themselves--in their secure attachment to us. I always have to remind myself that this is normal and natural bc I was raised to be painfully independent and a lot of times, practicing attachment parenting can feel like codependence to me. I KNOW that this 'codependency' doesn't apply to the parent-child relationship in the developmental years, but it's still conditioning that I have to actively + frequently untangle myself from.
Which leads me to my next point...
-attachment relies on their dependence on you; we cannot truly take care of a child who doesn't depend on us to be taken care of. This is particularly relevant to our generation of parents. In general, we’re in such a hurry to see kids do things themselves that we can’t see or accept that they’re actually very dependent on us. This is treated as ‘neediness’, ‘clinginess’ or ‘baby’ behavior. We fail to acknowledge the actual development of kids’ brains—the first large chunk of psychological development isn’t completed until around age 7. Guidance will not be heeded unless we act as the caregiver.
- Attachment over skills. Wow. This is so counter to our generation of parents. These billion dollar course/coaching industries designed around gaining parenting skills reflects its’ popularity. And I like how he mentions that this just reinforces our feelings of inadequacy after going through all the materials…cuz idk about you, but I know I’ve sought for a solution in that industry and been super disappointed w/ it’s inefficacy but also how misaligned some of the methods feel.
- I love that he pointed out how, the stronger the attachment of parent-child, the more intuitive and natural parenting becomes.
Gosh, I have so many more notes on these chapters but it’s been a hard morning. Maybe I’ll do a part 2 when I have the focus/energy <3
I don't remember that part on pressure - I'm going to go back. I think sometimes pressure is required even if there is connection... because part of the job of kids is to see where limits are, ya know? It's developmentally normal and appropriate. But maybe he was talking about like big defiance.
I just started reading a book on codependence actually! Thanks for sharing that. It's interesting to think about that topic and its relation to the topic of this book. It's like, do people become co-dependent because they have attachment issues? I suppose so, right? It's like one part in the most recent section, people who are still obsessed with their attachment needs, like children. They've never gotten them met, so they find their identity and their happiness in "relationships" with other people. That is codependence. Right?
Yes the dependence thing, we need to honor their dependence on us in order for true independence to be fostered. For sure our (American) culture is obsessed with independence as soon as possible. And even if our kids CAN do something themselves, that doesn't mean it's bad for us to help them if they request it! I've had to realize my own tendency here. Our middle child often wants us to "help" her do things, like get dressed, put her shoes on, go to another room (she wants to be carried). She's 5. I can't remember what section it was in, maybe the most recent, but they said would you say to your partner asking you for help "I think you can do it yourself"? No. I'm always tempted to say that (because we have places to go!) but I'm getting better at being okay with being late or slow so that I can help her with whatever she's wanting help with, because it's a bid for connection.
I actually haven't engaged much with the parenting solutions industry. Probably a bit for some specific issues? I can't remember lol. Overall I've been a pretty intuitive parent, but I think I maybe had a leg up because I was a teacher? And I also did a lot of personal growth work before becoming a parent and I think I had a sense of the things I didn't want to repeat. I do remember finding Janet Lansbury and being like, Yep, this is how I parent. Yes, love that point about how the stronger the relationship, the most you can just parent out of intuition. Because you know your child. I've totally found that to be true!