Five tips for SAHM sanity
Specifically relevant for those previously working outside the home.
Hi! I’ve published 80 posts here at One Tired Mother, and this publication is almost to 1,000 subscribers! Wild. If you’re new or new-ish here, here’s a little bit about who I am. If you’ve been a long-time reader and you’re into what I’m up to here, I’d love for you to share this Substack with someone in your life you think would also be interested in reading it. You can do that by clicking the button below. I don’t take your time for granted—thanks for spending some of it with me and my words!
Note: I wrote this several years ago, and was inspired to re-publish here by a Notes post by
, sharing that she’s leaving her job as a lawyer to be home with her kids and would like some advice. (She writes here at Paging Dostoevsky—I really enjoy her reflections!) Also, I don’t like the terms or the categories we so easily employ around mothers and work, but I’m using the term “SAHM” here to be easily understood. Here’s a better title: How to stay sane in a season of homemaking and caretaking of littles. Enjoy!I’ve heard many women say something along the lines of “I could never stay home with my kids—I would go crazy.”
Though it’s something that I chose, and I have never regretted it, being a (mostly) at-home parent has been hard for me. I’ve felt like I’m going crazy many, many times. I’m very interested in exploring the cultural idea that some women are more cut out for being at home with their kids while others are cut out for “bigger” things. I think there’s a lot of BS there, but maybe some truth as well? I’m not sure.
What I am sure of is that as I’ve struggled to adapt to this “SAHM” role over the last six years or so, I’ve learned a lot. So the other day during naptime I made a short list of advice I’d give to someone starting out on this journey of being (totally or mostly) at home with children.
Here we go—a few of my best advice for staying sane as a stay-at-home mom.
1. Find something joyful that’s only for you, not for the family.
As a primary caretaker of children and of a home, so much of what you do is for others. It’s so incredibly helpful to have something that’s not, something that brings you, as a woman, fulfillment and joy. For me, that’s writing. I started a blog shortly before our first was born which has since evolved into doing some freelance (paid) writing as well. Your thing absolutely does not have to earn money, but if it can, even just a little, that is even more awesome IMO. It feels great to be financially compensated for something as you do the relentless, unpaid work of homemaking and caretaking. (However, your value or the value of your work is, of course, not tied to earning potential.) The most important thing is that the thing brings you joy: you, the person who existed before becoming a mother and who is still there. My writing life has been my #1 sanity-saver.
2. To the extent that you can, try to re-create the village life.
Part of the reason I’m able to stay sane and write as much as I do (which isn’t that much, lol) is because we made the intentional choice to relocate closer to family when I was pregnant with my second baby. If you haven’t read Beth Berry’s viral blog post about this topic, here it is: In the Absence of the Village, Mothers Struggle the Most. (Go read it now; this post can wait.) Her point, and the conclusion I came to as well in my first year of at-home mothering, is this: it’s extremely difficult to raise children in alone. There should be cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends around to do life with and help shoulder the duties. This lack of a village is a real issue for many modern parents, as it’s common now in our global culture to live away from family and also to have both adults working outside the home. These realities lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness for at-home parents. Care work is relentless, and simply ideally it’s shared among a community of loving caretakers. If it isn’t possible for you to relocate close to family, you can find support through other relationships as well. I’ve worked hard at cultivating local community through The Buy Nothing Project as well as getting to know my actual neighbors. (More on this too in the last tip of the list!)
3. Help your partner understand the work you do.
Care work and homemaking work are taken for granted in our society, and there are also cultural narratives about stay-at-home motherhood that contribute to the idea that there’s not much to this gig. On a very practical level, due to the nature of care and domestic work, SAHMs often feel like they’re toiling all day without much to show for it. This wears on a person; all humans need to be seen and valued in their contributions. Because of all this, it’s extremely important that your partner understands how you spend your days. A warning: this can take a while; the forces that undervalue this work are strong, and its invisibility makes it hard to perceive. It often takes leaving your partner at home for a few hours (or, even better, an entire day or a weekend) for them to get a sense of what the work is like. Next level is helping them understand the mental load an at-home parent carries, which for me has required detailed conversations giving examples of ways I pay attention and remember and research and think through things that help support our family and our household. I could write a book about this topic (and I maybe I will someday), but suffice it to say that you need to help your partner see and value the work of children and home. It’s maddening to be working constantly and feel like most people—your own spouse sometimes included—think you’re not doing much. Your life partner is the one person who can best appreciate your important contributions to your family (and ultimately to the world), and this appreciation and understanding helps so, so much.
4. Consider hiring help.
Speaking of the work you’re doing, economists say an at-home parent does the equivalent of 2.5 jobs and if paid appropriately for all of it would earn well over $100,000 a year. This isn’t cutesy nonsense to help at-home parents feel better about themselves. It’s simply based on the actual responsibilities of at-home parents. So provided you’re not slacking, you’re doing much more than a person with a typical job is doing, and because of that, you have every dang right to outsource some of it. I hired a cleaner a few months into having my first child. I quickly realized how much I had to do and found someone to come once a month to deep clean. I’ve since had a cleaning person on and off; it’s incredibly sanity-saving and I’ve convinced many real-life SAHM friends to do the same. And it doesn’t have to be a cleaner—maybe it’s childcare here and there, or someone to do your laundry (I hear that’s a thing) from time to time. Either way, feel worthy of hiring out some of the work—there’s quite literally too much of it for one person. Also, it doesn’t have to cost as much as you might think (we are far from wealthy) and you can consider where you can save money in another area and put it toward some well-deserved help.
5. Be intentional about finding colleagues.
Being a SAHM can be a lonely gig, especially in our modern world as I mentioned in point 2. You’re mostly by yourself (kids are great, but they don’t count as adult company), and you’re often, well, at home. It’s important to find colleagues, others in your community who are also taking on the work of at-home parenting! Then, you can go from there and connect more regularly/deeply with the mamas with whom hanging out feels particularly good. It’s not easy, especially for us introverts. I personally learned to have a very bold mindset about relationship-building from an extrovert friend of mine.1 The point, though, is to be proactive and intentional about making friends with other mothers. Get out into your community and get around other moms, and make moves to connect with the ones you’re really drawn to. I’m not saying all your mom friends need to be doing the SAHM thing, of course not. But it’s very important to have friends who are doing the same work you’re doing. These moms have the same responsibilities, the same lifestyle (flexible but around nap schedules, ha), and many of the same struggles. Don’t expect to be able to have a conversation when you’re hanging out (IYKYK), but the solidarity and support from these relationships helps so much.
Being a modern woman who has intentionally chosen this work can be challenging! I hope this list has felt like a breath of fresh air for you in an undertaking that can feel so isolating and overwhelming. If it has, please let me know! I’d love to connect with you. You can do this!
That’s the end of the original post. I wanted to add a sixth point, but Substack is telling me this is pretty long already, so I’ll save that for a separate one. (Teaser: it’s about watching your social media use.) In reading this back through I also thought of a few other details I’d add! So I guess what I’m saying is watch out for Staying Sane as a SAHM, part II. :)
P.S. If you appreciated this post, you may like these as well:
It goes like this: “I like this person’s vibe, so I’m gonna talk to them. Maybe I’ll see if they wanna hang out. If it doesn’t work out, totally cool; her loss!” (I know this sounds kind of crazy. Maybe find yourself an extrovert friend like I had and try to absorb some of their confidence, lol.)
Good advice. "Don’t expect to be able to have a conversation when you’re hanging out" is the hardest and most frustrating for me. I've been bringing my boys to hang out a bit more with others, and this still flusters me. For better or worse, I value substack so much because there's no way I can read and dialogue about things that matter to me (to the extent that's life-giving) in the presense of all my boys. haha It's kind of funny, but also I've been on the verge of tears with the actual frustration in the moment. I need more than snippets of chats, even if the solidarity is nice.
Totally agree with the bold extrovert thing about finding your people. I, an extreme introvert, have been blessed with an extremely extroverted child who has taught me so much about making wonderful friends at the park! ❤️