Dear feminism: I thought it was about choice
One of the first things I wrote on motherhood and feminism
I wrote this five yearse ago, in February of 2019. It was the first thing I ever wrote about feminism, and I remember feeling terrified to hit publish (on my little blog, lol). There’s something about questioning feminism that feels scary—then, and still now. I was prompted to re-publish this here by two things: this recent essay from my friend Katie, and getting blasted on social media yesterday because I wrote a slightly dissenting comment in a conversation about men and “weaponized incompetence.” Enjoy.
I’ve stopped using the term “stay-at-home mom”—because the two labels we use for women who are mothers1 are irritating on a variety of levels—but I’ve noticed something else I do as an at-home parent: I hesitate, add to, and otherwise qualify my work with my children and home.
We recently moved, so I find myself meeting lots of new people these days. When they ask me what I do, I answer in one of these ways: “I’m at home with my girls right now, but I used to be an English teacher,” or “I’m at home with my girls, but I do some freelance writing and editing on the side.” There’s another version as well; I saw someone do it just the other day. She introduced herself in a Facebook group like this: “I’m a stay-at-home mom right now, but I’m looking forward to [doing paid work again] when the kids are in school.”
See what’s happening here? First, we’re elaborating: we’re quick to add what we used to do or the little side business we have or that we’re looking forward to getting back to our old profession. And there’s this, too: we’re using the conjunction “but,” a word of contrast. Both of these things feel like we’re saying: “I’m at home with my kids HOWEVER I USED TO DO SOMETHING IMPRESSIVE AND INTERESTING AND I’M A VERY CAPABLE HUMAN BELIEVE ME I AM.”
A friend of mine recently confessed she was embarrassed to answer when people asked her what she did during a season of at-home parenthood. All of this is no wonder. The message we’ve gotten from our culture is that, for a strong/capable/empowered woman, staying home is not a valid choice.
I really didn’t think this would be a problem for me. I was thrilled to leave teaching, as I was completely burned out. I’d read the book Radical Homemakers on the recommendation of a friend and felt no tension between the identities of stay-at-home mom and strong, empowered woman. I was sure I could still be a feminist, because feminism at its core—at least in the way I believed in it—was about choice2, about women (or men) not having to default to certain roles in society because of their biology.
But none of that was enough. I’ve really, truly struggled with my choice to be an at-home parent. It’s freaking hard in a way that you’d only understand if you’ve done it, but that’s not the real problem. I’ve only recently determined it, actually.
It’s that I simply don’t feel validated, and instead, I feel as a sense of shame. I have a Bachelor’s degree—double major, University Honors Program—and a Master’s degree. I’m an alumna of the rigorous, highly competitive program Teach For America. I helped found a girl-focused charter school where we encouraged girls to be all they can be.
Is my education being wasted? What kind of example am I to my former students? And instead of fighting racism and working for educational equity, I guess now I’m spending my time changing diapers and picking food up off the floor? These are the thoughts that intrude and linger in my head—especially on the hard days—no matter how much I, in my own heart, believe in the value and validity of my choice.
It’s become clear to me that I’ve absorbed this message from culture: at-home parenting is not a valid role for a woman today if she has any self-respect (or education or talent or intellect or motivation). It has seeped into my consciousness and made me feel insecure and misunderstood and alone.
Over the past few years, I’ve organically come across cultural signposts for this message. There are many, but two examples that stand out in my mind: first, a lyric from a massively popular artist, and then an excerpt from a recent bestselling book.
I’m a fan of good hip-hop, and I love Macklemore’s “Sloane’s Song.” Written as a message to his firstborn daughter, it has so many powerful lyrics and spot-on sentiments. It’s a beautiful, introspective song and is chock-full, in my opinion, of sound thinking and wise advice. However, there’s a line in there I never caught before I started spending my days with two little ones:
They say girls shouldn’t be tough / And moms should raise their kids at home / But baby, I know that that isn’t true / ‘Cause your momma’s the toughest person I know.
Okay then. (Facepalm.) It’s a real bummer to hear that lyric in such a brilliant song, one that I otherwise love and relate to so much. That’s pretty straightforward; it just comes right out and states the mainstream sentiment that strong women don’t “stay home” to raise kids. Here’s one that’s a little more subtle.
I’m not a big Rachel Hollis follower, but I read her book Girl, Wash Your Face mostly just to see what the fuss is all about. If you’ve been on the Internet at all in the last year or so, you’ve probably heard about it—it’s a bestseller with almost 9,000 reviews on Amazon (and sitting at 4.5 stars). Her book, like much of her work in general, is all about empowering women. However, it’s clear that her idea of an empowered woman is one doing paid work out in the world. After all, she herself is a “working mom” (I’m getting to the point where I have to put the terms in quotation marks). Though she tries to say otherwise, a careful reader can pick up on her bias. In one part, she writes:
“The more I thought about it, the more I believe that God made me this way. He knew I would have a worker’s heart, and he knew I would want to build big dreams. In the same way, he knew another one of his children [another woman] was meant to stay home and raise her beautiful babies.”
The general idea isn’t wrong: different choices are okay! But yowsa— did you catch it? “Worker’s heart” and “big dreams” versus “stay home.” She’s setting up a contrast. Are you a hard-working and ambitious woman, someone who wants to accomplish important things? Or are you more wired to be… a stay-at-home mom?
Turns out that even women seeking to empower other women end up sending this message. (Even bigger facepalm.) Sigh.
I’m not hating on either of these influential people. They’re just swimming in the culture like the rest of us. Unfortunately, artists and writers are not only not immune to cultural values; they also help create them.
It’s become clear to me that I absorbed this message from culture: at-home parenting is not a valid role for a woman today if she has any self-respect (or education or talent or intellect or motivation). It seeped into my consciousness and has made me feel insecure and misunderstood and alone.
To be clear, I’m not saying anything here about the “mommy wars” (which is a patronizing term in itself) or what a woman who is a mother should do with her time and energy. Many of my friends (all brilliant women if I do say so myself) work outside the home, and I’m not saying they shouldn’t. Every woman and family and situation is different.
What I am saying is that the lack of validation for the choice of not working outside the home is real. No one comes right out and says it, but it’s 100% there. Feminism isn’t about the freedom and opportunity to work outside the home anymore; now it feels like we must. There’s one legitimate choice—which of course, means there’s effectively no choice.
And that isn’t empowering.
I don’t need approval from society for my life decisions, of course not. I believe in the value I’m providing by being at home with my kids right now. But it makes it harder. I die inside a little every time I hear myself say I “don’t work,” and in addition to being actually tired (#toddlers), I’m tired3 of feeling like I’m maybe/probably/definitely wasting my potential.
I’m a strong, ambitious woman, and I don’t feel like I need to prove it in a pre-determined, pre-approved way. I’m choosing this for my life for now. I thought that’s what feminism was all about.
“Stay-at-home mom” / “working mom”
I know that “choice” feminism isn’t the version many feminists subscribe to, and I also know it’s a very—to be frank—white version of it. I’m simply pointing out the hypocrisy of this version of feminism—that it doesn’t hold up when it comes to a woman choosing to be home with her kids. That choice specifically feels like an unacceptable one, and I really didn’t realize that would be the case until I did it and then paid attention to life and culture as I embodied this role.
I wrote this before I found the thrift store t-shirt that gave me the name for this publication. Meant to be :)
This is something I've found myself considering a lot recently. I've come to the thinking that modern feminism is less about choice and more about independence. Independence and security in the abscence of men. There's an incorrect conflation between independence and choice in feminist rhetoric. It results in the choices we make that decrease our independence and increase our reliance on a man/our family being viewed as not all that feminist. I'm definitely guilty of it myself, pre-kids I held thoughts about stay-at-home parents that are very much in line with your article - 'it's her choice' but also 'it's not a choice I'd make' 🙈 and now I spend most of my working day trying to figure out how I can afford to spend less time working an more time parenting 😅
About the same time you originally wrote this article, I had an important conversation with my grandfather. He had always given me well-meaning but unsolicited advice about how I was "wasting my potential", and how I was "too smart" to stay home and homeschool my children.
One day, he was giving me the usual spiel about how I should really go back to school and finish my degree.
I asked, "And what would I do with a college degree?" He grinned, thinking he was about to deliver the killshot, "You could do anything you want!" I replied, "Pawpaw, I'm already doing that."
That was the last he ever said to me on the subject.