Good advice. "Don’t expect to be able to have a conversation when you’re hanging out" is the hardest and most frustrating for me. I've been bringing my boys to hang out a bit more with others, and this still flusters me. For better or worse, I value substack so much because there's no way I can read and dialogue about things that matter to me (to the extent that's life-giving) in the presense of all my boys. haha It's kind of funny, but also I've been on the verge of tears with the actual frustration in the moment. I need more than snippets of chats, even if the solidarity is nice.
It's so shocking, isn't it? And hard. I too have had frustrated tears over this so you're not alone there. I'm the same - the conversation I crave simply can't be had amongst caring for little ones. I've learned to relax into just the presence of others and enjoy that (and, like you said, get that need for deep dialogue elsewhere!)
Yes, I totally agree, Haley. I have a need for depth in conversation that isn't possible with young kids and their needs. That's why my book clubs (yes, I'm in two 🙈) have been a lifeline for me. After bedtime, I go out and have adult conversation about topics that interest me!
Totally agree with the bold extrovert thing about finding your people. I, an extreme introvert, have been blessed with an extremely extroverted child who has taught me so much about making wonderful friends at the park! ❤️
I love this so much. #1 is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I started an adult ballet class once a week (I was a ballet dancer for my entire life until the post-grad years), and it has made such a difference in my mental health! Something purely for fun, purely for me, that I can look forward to every week. Game-changer.
I've low key stalked some moms I met in the usual places -- the park, the library, etc. Channeling that bold extrovert is key! I guess when you're covered in cracker crumbs and milk bottles are leaking out of your purse, your pride is kind of out the window anyway, which makes it easier :) village Life and Friends have been key for me. I think people really underestimate the mental tole of isolation with small children.
Yes, such a great point about the pride, lol. Having an extrovert friend really helped me! I was like, oh, you can exist like *that*! Yes yes yes on the underestimation of the mental toll that being alone and in charge of small children takes. It wasn't meant to be like that!
Can completely relate to all of this Amber. I feel so much like I failed SAHM life because I haven’t found much of a village and we live away from family. I’m now “back at work” although feel like I am living SAHM life for half the week still so I know I still need that village!
Also I too hired help in the I had limited childcare 1 day where I had time away from kids it was mostly for work and it was very much there for my sanity. 🙌🏻❤️
Sounds like you're figuring it out. There's no failure! There's only continued awareness and taking small steps to align your life as you're able! Thx for reading <3
Great ideas! #4-5 have been on my mind a lot lately now that #1-3 have happened. Moving to be close to my family (and closer to my in laws) has been such a game changer. And like you, I’ve found a lot of joy in writing-and being a mom is what gave me more of a push to do it/be creative in general than when I was working full time.
It seems there’s a powerful vibe in conservative Christian culture that causes this for women. It’s too bad. Now that I’m Catholic I feel it way less. Sending love and I see you in the untangling!
Great post! I read it a few times and would not take away any of the five items. I’m lucky that I live in a country where we have affordable domestic help. Not have to be up on my feet every waking moment my kids don’t need me to keep the house livable, having my laundry done, having someone watch the kids while I take a shower is SUCH a luxury these days. The weekends where my husband and I do it all on our own are utterly exhausting. I can still keep a spotless house after the kids are in bed, but honestly at the end of the night I feel like all my bones are going to fall apart at the joints. I just cannot stand up anymore. But, like, my helper keeps the house so nicely I can’t stand to watch it fall into disarray.
I’ve mostly managed all of them except #1. Just had my third in three years and not gonna lie I have no mental bandwidth for very much right now… every time I think I’m getting back into piano, another bout of pregnancy and sleep regression (or travel. We do a lot of long trips because the in laws live on the other side of the planet) takes it out of me again.
Would love to hear about where you live! Is it common to have domestic help? And don’t worry about that #1! Just keep it in mind and it will come! My youngest is just starting piano lessons and I want to start playing again😍
Huge yes!!! Hiring out some help and taking on brief projects for pay have made my journey as a homemaker a happy one. I am so grateful for the ability for a little more balance. It has been a game changer. Thank you for normalizing asking for help in a way that doesn’t shame— it’s refreshing!
YES to all of this!! My husband regularly solo parents anywhere from a few hours up to a full week. Our cleaning lady comes once a week and we have had a mother’s helper on and off over the years to just be an extra pair of hands.
Good advice. "Don’t expect to be able to have a conversation when you’re hanging out" is the hardest and most frustrating for me. I've been bringing my boys to hang out a bit more with others, and this still flusters me. For better or worse, I value substack so much because there's no way I can read and dialogue about things that matter to me (to the extent that's life-giving) in the presense of all my boys. haha It's kind of funny, but also I've been on the verge of tears with the actual frustration in the moment. I need more than snippets of chats, even if the solidarity is nice.
It's so shocking, isn't it? And hard. I too have had frustrated tears over this so you're not alone there. I'm the same - the conversation I crave simply can't be had amongst caring for little ones. I've learned to relax into just the presence of others and enjoy that (and, like you said, get that need for deep dialogue elsewhere!)
Yes, I totally agree, Haley. I have a need for depth in conversation that isn't possible with young kids and their needs. That's why my book clubs (yes, I'm in two 🙈) have been a lifeline for me. After bedtime, I go out and have adult conversation about topics that interest me!
Yeeees to late-night Zoom discussions!
It’s so hard! This is where Marco Polo, memos, and vox have stepped up for me— I can have somewhat of a convo without the constant interruption.
Yes! Same. When I discovered Voxer it was like 🤯🙌🏼
Totally agree with the bold extrovert thing about finding your people. I, an extreme introvert, have been blessed with an extremely extroverted child who has taught me so much about making wonderful friends at the park! ❤️
Love that. Our kids can teach us so much, truly
I love this so much. #1 is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I started an adult ballet class once a week (I was a ballet dancer for my entire life until the post-grad years), and it has made such a difference in my mental health! Something purely for fun, purely for me, that I can look forward to every week. Game-changer.
Amazing. It's truly so important! (and hard to do!)
I've low key stalked some moms I met in the usual places -- the park, the library, etc. Channeling that bold extrovert is key! I guess when you're covered in cracker crumbs and milk bottles are leaking out of your purse, your pride is kind of out the window anyway, which makes it easier :) village Life and Friends have been key for me. I think people really underestimate the mental tole of isolation with small children.
Yes, such a great point about the pride, lol. Having an extrovert friend really helped me! I was like, oh, you can exist like *that*! Yes yes yes on the underestimation of the mental toll that being alone and in charge of small children takes. It wasn't meant to be like that!
Can completely relate to all of this Amber. I feel so much like I failed SAHM life because I haven’t found much of a village and we live away from family. I’m now “back at work” although feel like I am living SAHM life for half the week still so I know I still need that village!
Also I too hired help in the I had limited childcare 1 day where I had time away from kids it was mostly for work and it was very much there for my sanity. 🙌🏻❤️
Sounds like you're figuring it out. There's no failure! There's only continued awareness and taking small steps to align your life as you're able! Thx for reading <3
Great ideas! #4-5 have been on my mind a lot lately now that #1-3 have happened. Moving to be close to my family (and closer to my in laws) has been such a game changer. And like you, I’ve found a lot of joy in writing-and being a mom is what gave me more of a push to do it/be creative in general than when I was working full time.
Yaaay, love to hear all of this💞
One thousand subscribers?! GIRL! So proud of your work!
Thank you friend! It doesn’t feel like that big of a deal—many people have many more—but it is🙂 Small steps! Your support means the world❤️
for years i felt so much shame about my need to "work", even if it was very minor and unpaid. i'm still untangling this.
It seems there’s a powerful vibe in conservative Christian culture that causes this for women. It’s too bad. Now that I’m Catholic I feel it way less. Sending love and I see you in the untangling!
Great post! I read it a few times and would not take away any of the five items. I’m lucky that I live in a country where we have affordable domestic help. Not have to be up on my feet every waking moment my kids don’t need me to keep the house livable, having my laundry done, having someone watch the kids while I take a shower is SUCH a luxury these days. The weekends where my husband and I do it all on our own are utterly exhausting. I can still keep a spotless house after the kids are in bed, but honestly at the end of the night I feel like all my bones are going to fall apart at the joints. I just cannot stand up anymore. But, like, my helper keeps the house so nicely I can’t stand to watch it fall into disarray.
I’ve mostly managed all of them except #1. Just had my third in three years and not gonna lie I have no mental bandwidth for very much right now… every time I think I’m getting back into piano, another bout of pregnancy and sleep regression (or travel. We do a lot of long trips because the in laws live on the other side of the planet) takes it out of me again.
Would love to hear about where you live! Is it common to have domestic help? And don’t worry about that #1! Just keep it in mind and it will come! My youngest is just starting piano lessons and I want to start playing again😍
Huge yes!!! Hiring out some help and taking on brief projects for pay have made my journey as a homemaker a happy one. I am so grateful for the ability for a little more balance. It has been a game changer. Thank you for normalizing asking for help in a way that doesn’t shame— it’s refreshing!
👏🏼👏🏼 love to hear it + thanks for chiming in!
YES to all of this!! My husband regularly solo parents anywhere from a few hours up to a full week. Our cleaning lady comes once a week and we have had a mother’s helper on and off over the years to just be an extra pair of hands.