“When I turned 50, my dear friend Maya Angelou was still alive, and Maya said to me, “Babe, the fifties are everything you’ve been meaning to be. It’s everything you thought you might do. This is it. It’s coming in. You’re not even there yet.”
-Oprah on aging
Hey, I’m 41 today!
My oldest turns 8 tomorrow (I went into labor on my birthday) which is a whole thing and deserves reflection too, but alas I only have the next hour before the kids get up. I wrote this post last year around my birthday, which I love re-reading. It’s wild how much can change in a year! Last year at this time I thought I’d be able to focus more on my writing as I’d have two kids in school in the fall. Then a teaching job landed in my lap and made the year crazy. Now, I’ve quit that job and I’ll be homeschooling this fall—and I’m discerning what I’m called to for writing these days.1
I wrote the following two years ago for my 39th birthday and published on my little blog. Since that blog is gone now (RIP), I thought I’d re-publish here. And add two things, of course.
Enjoy.
41 things I know at 41
(Original intro: It’s the last year of my thirties! I gotta say, my thirties have been great. I love life more and more as I get older, to be honest! As I’ve gone on walks with the baby2 and done dishes and folded laundry, I’ve been keeping a list of things I feel I know about life by now. In no particular order…) — I stand behind this! Life only gets better as I get older. Does it also get weird and harder in some specific ways? Yes. But dang, I’m truly loving my 40s. I feel grounded and wise and confident in ways I’m sure will only increase as the years go by.
So with that, here are some things I’ve learned over the years. I might be wrong about some of them. I’ll have to let aging teach me if that’s so. Enjoy.
1. You can’t do it all. Saying yes to something is saying no to something else.
2. It’s okay to change your mind.
3. It’s easy to confuse being intentional with being anxious. (Hello, Inside Out 2)
4. Slowing down the pace of your life is essential for growth and well-being.
5. It’s okay/normal if what works for others doesn’t work for you (and vice versa). Your life doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s.
6. We were meant to raise children in community. The isolation of modern parents (but with the strange connectedness of social media) is a huge problem and is making everyone feel crazy.
7. Our worth doesn’t come from our productivity, and we don’t have to earn rest.
8. Most of our behavior is run by our subconscious minds and nervous systems. Most of the time we don’t even know why exactly we’re acting the way we are.
9. Forgiveness is important. Really important.
10. There’s so much nuance in all topics, despite the loud voices that claim otherwise. The either/or options are a set-up.
11. Loving yourself—thinking of yourself as good and worthy, despite your imperfections—is fundamental to a good life. (Hi, Inside Out 2 again)
12. Care work is work. We should stop asking women if they “work.”
13. If you feel judged, it’s probably because you’re not sure about your decision(s). If you’re confident in the way you’re doing things, you don’t feel “judgment” from others nearly as much. (See On judgy moms and mom shaming)
14. Boundaries are necessary in all relationships. Many people don’t know this or have them, so they will interpret boundaries as you being “rude” or “selfish.”3
15. Not everyone is for everyone. You will connect deeply with some people and connect some with others and connect not much at all with others. It’s all okay.
16. It seems counterintuitive, but people need radical acceptance and unconditional love in order to change.
17. Most of the television and the Internet is created to make money or promote certain ideas, not thoughtfully seek the truth. It’s wise to consume accordingly.
18. It’s worth it to take the initiative in making new friends, even to be a little bold about it.
19. Children are born with their own unique temperaments.
20. Our tendency is to criticize and complain. Many never move beyond that into the hard, messy space of creativity and solutions.
21. It’s okay and normal and even good to make mistakes. Really.
22. What Ghandi said (“We must be the change we wish to see in the world”) isn’t a cliché; it’s a deep truth. We best change the world by changing ourselves.
23. Contrary to the messaging of feminism, motherhood can be one of the most liberating, empowering experiences a woman can have.
24. As you get older relationships can change. Some will end. It’s okay, and it creates new space for new, more aligned relationships in your life.
25. The world needs both masculine and feminine energy.
26. Someone thinking you’re too much doesn’t (necessarily) mean you’re too much. (As Elyse Myers says, they can go find less. )
27. Children deserve respect.
28. What other people do or say is not about you.
29. We have less control in our lives than we tend to think. We also have more control in our lives than we tend to think.
30. Someone holding confident space for you as you try to do hard things is so, so powerful. (See homebirth. Also, see this wonderful piece I read recently.)
31. If you’re doing your best, that’s all you can do. No need to beat yourself up, ever. (And spoiler: we’re all doing the best we can with the tools that we have.)
32. The tribe instinct is strong. Many people haven’t really thought through their opinions; they’ve just adopted the ideas of others or the ideology of a group they identify with.
33. Your priorities are how you spend your time, and your beliefs are how you live (no matter what you say they are).
34. It’s best to stop wasting your time and energy trying to control what others think of you and instead work on making sure you like you (and getting more comfortable with being misunderstood).4
35. At this point in time, living a healthy life means living an alternative/rebellious life.
36. When things don’t go your way, it’s wise to roll with it. Often something will turn out even better than what you had in mind if you remain open to the possibilities.
37. Marriage and children provide incredible opportunities to heal and grow as a person.
38. Putting yourself and your ideas out there never gets easy. Easier, yes; easy, no.
39. Like Alanis said, no one has it all figured out just yet.
And two new ones…
The magic is in the work you’re avoiding. (Can’t take credit for this phrasing—saw it on Mantra Wellness—but dang, is it true.)
Prayer is essential, and silence is a big part of prayer. (It’s a conversation, not you just talking.)
Grateful for each and every day of this life and the opportunity to keep learning and growing.
You?
Are you in your 40s? How do you feel about it? What on this list did you connect with? Anything you’d like to hear me talk more about? Have you seen Inside Out 2? Let’s dialogue in the comments!
In case you missed it…
It’s summer, and life is cray, so here are a few quick links to things I recently published:
Small stirrings #3 — a regular post where I just share things that have been moving me lately, in the form of stream-of-consciousness thought as opposed to a bunch of links to things
Book Club, chapters 3/4 — Good thing I put this week off in there. We will finish this book by August! Together! Post on Chapter 5 coming soon.
On female bodies — A great conversation with a fellow writer and passionate girl mom about why we need early fertility awareness. Includes some admission of previous dumb thinking on my part (a pattern I’m honestly still trying to overcome) as well as the scoop on a workshop I’ll be starting to offer in the late fall!
Some of you know. Others can guess. Pray for me!
“The baby” !!! (Not me deeply feeling the existential question of WILL I EVER HAVE A BABY AGAIN)
I’d update this one to say: I think many people who think they understand boundaries actually don’t, and/or don’t know how to set them in a firm but kind way.
As I re-read this list, I noticed a theme: there’s a lot I’ve learned about relationships. Don’t worry—I haven’t forgotten about my series on friendship for paid subscribers. I just have so much to say; I need to get my thoughts decently organized!
I need #7 repeated to me every single day into eternity - maybe I'll believe it someday xD
I have this quote of St. Catherine of Siena's on our wall:
'you are rewarded not according to your work or time, but according to the measure of your Love.'
oof.
Thanks for sharing! Happy birthday!
Happy birthday! #6 really really resonates. And I think #8 and #9 are closely related—St Paul said he “does the thing he does not want to do” all the time, and I think that’s exactly why Jesus insists on forgiving over and over and over again.