What are we doing here?
We're considering modern American motherhood. And we're reading books.
Well whaddayaknow, it’s DECEMBER.
I’ve had all the thoughts about this publication and what I want it to look like in the new year, and I wanted to share some of those thoughts with you, dear reader. I’ve also had quite a few new subscribers in the last month or so (yay!), and I want to welcome you all and give you a taste of what’s going on here.
A question
I recently changed the description of One Tired Mother to begin with a single question.
I’ve hemmed and hawed over various phrases and sentences to describe what I’m trying to write about here (womanhood, culture, and spirituality? bleh), and they never quite captured it. This single question is helping me so much as I draft up future posts and podcasts to share with you.
Why a question? One of my favorite thinkers, Jonathan Pageau, talked in a podcast about the power of a question. To paraphrase him, a question shapes what follows. And when it’s a good, honest one, it’s an opening of space for people to be seen and for truth to be found. It’s a very healing thing.
There’s one question that’s really been at the center of my consciousness for the last seven years or so.
American motherhood isn’t working. Why?
Despite varying work choices and political views and family situations, so many mothers in this country are struggling. They’re overwhelmed, stressed, and anxious. I know this because I’ve been deep in mothering for the last seven years and overwhelm, stress, and anxiety have been no stranger to me. I’ve also had conversations with woman after woman after woman—both in real life and online—who feel the same. Exploring the experience of modern motherhood has been my years’-long obsession.
If you’re a mother who reads and pays attention to culture, you know there are loud voices already addressing this topic; conversation about motherhood is suddenly in the zeitgeist. However, many of those voices are wrapped up in politics—they’re asking the question with answers and agendas already in mind. They’re not opening a true space. (One amazing exception is Beth Berry - Revolution From Home.) I see a lot more than the talking points I’m hearing, and I want to share that with you. We can see what we think together.
Some guiding principles
I care about women which means I care about mothers, and I’m so looking forward to continuing to share my thoughts about why every mom is America is like WTF THIS AIN’T IT.
As I’ve been planning for the future of this publication, I came up with four principles to help me decide what and how to share. I wrote them up and pinned them to my bulletin board on my writing desk, and I thought I’d share them with you, too.
Looking for “the thing behind the thing.” Anyone who knows me knows I’m insatiably curious. I feel like I might be stealing this language from Jonathan Pageau too—I can’t remember—but the point is that I’m interested not just in highlighting a problem, but in really digging down to the root of it. What’s actually playing out here? In my opinion, the more deeply we can unpack something, the more effectively we can make change.
Not interested in preaching to the choir. I have no interest in finding “my people” as far as that means “people who already agree with me.” It would be easy for me to rant about things I think and then find other people who are like YEAHHH! As nice as that feels to the ego, I’m more interested in the (complex) truth than in creating more tribalism and division. I’m writing to any mother1 who feels dissatisfied and wants to feel less so, and respectful dissenting voices are always welcome. Conversation is how we get collectively closer to what’s true.
Not loyal to any orthodoxy. Speaking of dissenting, whether it’s politics or feminism or Christianity or anything else I’m no stranger to being a contrarian voice. I’m not afraid to go against the grain of a group I belong to. Well, it’s more true to say I actually can’t help but question things that don’t make sense to me. I am very loyal to people; I am not at all loyal to ideologies. I don’t think anyone should be. Ideas are meant to be questioned—that’s how we get to better ideas.
A bias toward personal responsibility. While I think it’s 1000% worthy to call out systems and realities that aren’t functioning the way they should be, I am always at the end of the day a big fan of personal responsibility. It’s easy to fall into a perpetual victim mindset when things are hard, but I believe that focusing on what we can do to make things better (and there’s always so much more than it feels like there is) is more important than focusing on how things outside of our control are difficult or wrong. In the new year I hope to be producing as much helpful, practical writing as I am writing that philosophizes about what has gone awry in our culture for mothers.
Book club
I read with abandon. We have stacks of books all over our house, despite my attempts to declutter my books. A friend’s husband is building us some floor-to-ceiling bookshelves in our basement this winter to hopefully remedy that problem!
Meanwhile, I’ll always be reading, and reading in community is something I plan to continue to offer to subscribers here. There’s just something about book clubs that fits the values of this Substack—there’s depth, nuance, there’s dialogue, there’s community. I already know what I want our next read to be!
Speaking of book clubs, we’re postponing our current one ‘til January! Friends are behind, I’m behind, and it’s December. There’s too much goodness in the last few sections of Hold On to Your Kids to not give things their due, and we know how this month goes. So if you’ve been curious, grab the book and jump in! We’ll pick up with discussion on Part Four the first week of January! (And if you haven’t had a chance to weigh in on Part Three, here’s that post.)
Are you into it?
Hey, thanks for hanging with me as I process and share about this little Substack publication. I’d like to remind you that I’m gifting some paid subscriptions this month! Paid subscribers get access to everything I’m creating as well as my immense gratitude for their support.
Reply to this email or comment below that you’re into One Tired Mother, and your name will go in the pot. I’ll give away however many I feel like as Christmas draws near. Hey, if it’s just a handful maybe I’ll give one to everyone—we’ll see how Oprah-ish I’m feeling when the time comes!
Cheer to December. Happy (almost) Advent. I hope you’re well and I’ll talk to you soon.
Even if you’re not a mother yourself, if you care about the well-being of mothers—and I’d argue that everyone should—you’ll find value here. And I hope you weigh in with your ideas and questions along the way.
I appreciate your writing and your perspectives! I’m with you in finding/creating/celebrating spaces where the answer hasn’t already been found, but rather we’re helping each other make some discoveries and curious observations along the way.
Yes to a bias for personal responsibility. Yeah, our culture (whatever that is) isn’t oriented for families, but we can create our own culture as opposed to always blaming the government, culture, etc.