Have you ever run across Heather Stringer’s work? I’m not super familiar with her, have mostly heard her husband speak on a few podcasts, but I know that coming up with ways to combine trauma informed care with rituals is her main thing. I bet it’d be right up your alley.
I was thinking about this tonight actually — how we’ve lost so much, especially in the space around both birth and death, because medical advances give us the illusion that we can control everything. So when things go wrong, or they’re really hard, or we feel traumatized even though we are “fine” it feels like it’s a personal problem instead of their being a cultural recognition that birth and death are inescapable realities of life. People used to have to look at these harsh realities up close. I’m not arguing for a return to women dying in childbirth (though we both knew the stats aren’t actually awesome now either) I’ll take my shot of pitocin to prevent me bleeding out, thanks! But I do think we’ve lost the awareness of just how fragile we are as people, and any tools, like rituals, to cope with making sense of that.
No, I haven't! I just peeked at her website; wow. And yeees to all you said. And it's not just medical advances - it's technology in general, namely access to the Internet. Thinking we can control everything and have it all just so if we just research enough / buy the right things / follow the right accounts... oof. Absolutely prevents us from living full, rich lives (which inherently contain difficulty, chaos, etc.)
Fascinating. I’ve found the American ritual of baby showers also .. not quite supportive. In Indian (Asian) culture, there is a feeding ceremony for the mother to be, where her favorite foods are prepared. I think my father in law cooked me dinner for a month (he’s retired) when I was pregnant. That has so much meaning to nourish the mother who is nourishing the child. In India postpartum mothers also get daily massages. Someone comes to the house and massages the mom and the baby… the foods that are prepared by the family are specifically for healing and milk production. There is so much ritual. Most of this I know because I married into an Indian family that knows these rituals. My parents who are from Bangladesh (next to India) have 0 rituals related to birth. My dad gave me a check to buy what I want, which seems very American to me.. 😂 so much of what I’ve learned over the years is a result of learning from other cultures and taking the good practices so I know what to do for my own daughters.
So cool/lovely. (And interesting that a nearby country would be so very different!) It's fascinating to think of what the existence of these rituals says about a culture's values!
Motherhood has made me realize how important ritual is, and how much I cherish it. I’m planning a baby shower for a friend right now and wanting to incorporate some of the blessingway traditions into it, but it does feel rather clunky… and interestingly it feels like not the right group of guests for a mother blessing, vs folks who are just going to come for brunch and do gifts. I’m not anti-baby shower, I think they can be really sweet. But a blessingway is much more real and intimate and that means a smaller group of “safe” people for the mom-to-be (at least in this scenario). We’ll see what I come up with 😅
Also love the bit about your bracelet, that’s so special and eerie!
Love it - good luck. It's tricky for sure! Let me know how it goes! Yes, same. Motherhood has taught me so much, including how powerful and sacred of an experience it is and just how much that is not in any way acknowledged.
Thanks! It really was so strange! I remember feeling upset about it for a hot second, and then, just a wave of peace. Like any good ritual, it wasn't the thing itself that mattered but the way it held and supported me.
Transitions in this culture often revolve around consumerism—the things that make us feel like an adult are all about buying (or achieving, like graduations or jobs). Baby showers, your first car, your first house. This is especially true if you aren’t religious (I know you are Catholic—I wonder if there are any lost Catholic motherhood rituals…or if most of them stayed rooted in folk culture, like the Italian one you shared). I love that ritual you shared and also love to dream of ways we could help people through puberty, young adulthood, parenthood, elderhood, with respect and joy without centering money or achievement.
Yes, so true. It's hard to have rituals when our culture is so... lacking culture? lol. I, too, am dreaming of ways. I'm seeing some ideas from uber-hippie moms on Instagram... and yes being Catholic really has helped in this regard. So much beautiful ceremony and embodiment!
I’m very curious about this actually, and whether it’s still expected that women go to Mass right after they have a baby. I know historically there would have been a period of time at home for recovery — and I wonder why we’ve moved sooo far away from that.
I’m always shocked by how fast people I know are bouncing back into a normal pace of life with a newborn and I’m still barely leaving the house a month in…
Same! After I have a baby I don't go really anywhere for a good month!
I was just talking about this with someone - new mothers are definitely allowed to not go to Mass for a while after a baby. I'm not sure how long and how it works but someone just told me that! But yeah, the pressure to "get back to real life" after having a baby is so real. It's unfortunate that we have no cultural respect for the postpartum time... yet another area of motherhood where ritual is lacking:(
The six week period off of church still exists in Eastern Catholicism and Orthodoxy! We joined an Eastern Catholic Church two years ago and with our fourth-born I was able to go through all the Eastern maternal rituals. There's a blessing that's said over you and naming prayers for the baby the day after birth. Our priest came to the hospital to do this for me. Then there are eighth day prayers. And then you stay home for six weeks, and our priest made it very clear that I was not expected to come back to church early. He also came on those Sundays to give me communion. The Sunday I came back to church was when we did the churching prayers.
Baptism is just done anytime after that six period. And then there's actually a beautiful ritual of tonsuring the baby the week after his or her baptism (they do this for all baptisms in the east actually--even adults).
This was all a really healing experience for me because I've always felt super guilty about missing Mass after a new baby. I've also always had a bit of unease about the idea of rushing off within the next few days to get the baby baptized (I had mastitis three days after birth this time around and was feeling extremely rough). I know there's some kind of theological nuance between the east and west regarding baptism that motivates traditional couples in the west to do very early baptisms, but I don't totally understand the differences.
YES. I would imagine that the usual guidance would apply, which is, if you’re too sick to leave the house, you’re dispensed from your Sunday obligation. I do love the CoW as a sort of formalized ritual around that concept, although I haven’t requested it with either child. I went to Mass the Sunday after our second was born and just sat the whole time, but I really regretted it later. My bleeding picked back up, my pain got worse, etc. But it’s all very wishy washy which is… frustrating.
I think a lot these days about the need for orthodox (little o haha) female theologians and canon lawyers to help sort some of this out for the Church.
I started massively bleeding the week after second child was born to the point that I thought I was hemorrhaging. Turns out I apparently was just overdoing it. Overdoing it meaning--just taking care of a toddler and newborn 😓 So I am right there with you about women being encouraged to take the time off that they need.
Also, Sara, I saw your comment on another post that you worked at the JPII Foundation--I think we must have a number of mutual irl friends! My husband and I were married at Our Lady of Walsingham and several of my friends have worked at the Foundation!
I’d love to hear more about how (even in small ways) you’ve used a blessingway or adaptation thereof. I’m also Catholic if that changes anything.
But I love the idea of welcoming a “new mom” into the maternal role and communal aspects of that. One of my good friends is expecting her first child and I’d be interested to do something for her.
Very much appreciated the sharing of this peasant ritual, Amber. It really got me thinking on what ritual means and what we have now in our lifetimes that can be perceived as them, and I came up with little. Graduations somehow were the first thing my brain offered up (maybe because besides a wedding) for secular culture, they seem the most ritualistic-there are robes, the walking across the stage, the turning in the tassel from one side to the other, the music, etc. But what is it representing? Getting through requisite schooling, schooling that often is not that great and can sometimes just be glorified free childcare (not always, not for all kids, some teachers and programs are great, exception exception exception… 😂). Even weddings are often just materialistic show-off spectacles (some are also absolutely lovely and meaningful). I feel like many rituals of yore have just been completely adulterated, diluted, or both.
I think this is just a symptom of both the denaturalization of humanity and loss of religious faith. We have so much technology, medication, and infrastructure now and along with it, the faith rests in those things rather than in God (or the gods) or Mother Nature or fate. If our national religion is STEM, then there is no need for ritual, as these modes of thinking deem it silly, frivolous, and stupid. When we can manipulate water and soil and temperature and use antibiotics and herbicides and GMO seeds for farming, there is no need to weave corn dollies and bury them in the fields to guarantee next season’s good harvest.
The baby shower thing is so, so, SO true. We need to be much more reverent in these situations.
Our wedding was one of the most meaningful days of my life. It feels like there is still a lot of ritual left there, if you lean into it. But yes, so many are just spectacles these days, swanky parties. I’ve had four cousins have “child-free” weddings too… which has been a huge bummer. What a missed opportunity to weave together generations of family as a new family begins.
My husband started a ritual for dads, after a new baby is born. When our first baby was born, his friends came over one evening and they all had a "celebratory smoke." They bring their pipes or cigars, and stand around outside for an hour. Anytime one of our friends has a new baby, my husband calls up all the guys he thinks would want to come for the smoking party, it's usually planned with just a day or two's notice, and it's always around 8 or 9 at night. They always make sure the postpartum mom isn't left alone during this time of course and it's always held at the house (yard) of whoever had the new baby.
I've always thought it was kinda cool. When my 6th baby was born it was a very traumatic experience and I remember my husband being very encouraged by his friends coming together for him after that. When a friend of mine went through a difficult miscarriages and multiple hospital visits, once things had settled down a bit, the group of guys gathered for a smoke and beers to support the dad.
NOW. A friend (who I just visited today to meet her new baby), reminded me today that we need something like that for the postpartum moms! Of course, minus the beer and cigar smoking.
I like to say that we are a people who are starving for ritual. I think it's partly why we are pursuing it in non traditional ways (intensive cult like exercise clubs for example) and also seeking it in traditional manners, too, like your mention of celebs pursuing more orthodox religious faiths.
That passage was so lovely. Wow. Yes, the total absence of ritual or meaningful recognition of life's big shifts has been noticeable to me in many stages of motherhood - I also had a Blessingway ceremony with my fourth, but I remember friends opting not to come because they thought it was too weird (??? it's not like we were performing pagan sacrifices or something!) The lack of ritual also makes it so hard to help children become teens and teens become adults, and now that I'm entering a new stage of life with just one teen left in the home I find myself wishing there were some kind of ritual or ceremony to help with my transition too.
I know, wasn't it just incredible to read about how that ritual served so many purposes for a family? Ugh, sorry to hear about friends not wanting to come. I think when something is different, people feel afraid, maybe like they'll be put on the spot or something. I've actually wanted to learn how to facilitate women's circles and the like, and I've thought "Would people in [this small town where I live] be into it or would they dismiss it as too weird?" And absolutely to the teens/adults thing. I'm not there yet (my oldest is 8) but I'm sure I'll be thinking about that down the line. Please share (and tag me!) if you think of things to do to help ease/facilitate things at those ages!
Such a beautiful piece, Amber! Your birth bracelet story gives me chills—though I can imagine at the time it would have been rather frustrating to have something meant to hold memories vanish unbidden.
I so appreciate how faith/church affiliation, nationality, and place/relationship can provide ways to identify and begin to practice rituals around major points of transition or transformation. I’m always so curious to hear other people’s experiences in this realm.
Thank you, Jan! It gives me chills too! It's just so strange. And yes, I was upset at first, but then quickly at peace. It had held me through the birth and then it was time for it to go, I guess! ;) Yes, me too! It's such a topic. Annelise above pointed to a women doing interesting work in this realm.
I'm curious if you've heard of a "closing of the bones" ceremony? It looks so lovely. I've just seen them referenced on the 'gram :)
Reading this article awakened an ache I didn’t know I have. What a special thing, an online women’s circle. As a pregnant mom with one little, I would love to know more. How goes one go about finding one worth joining?
Have you ever run across Heather Stringer’s work? I’m not super familiar with her, have mostly heard her husband speak on a few podcasts, but I know that coming up with ways to combine trauma informed care with rituals is her main thing. I bet it’d be right up your alley.
I was thinking about this tonight actually — how we’ve lost so much, especially in the space around both birth and death, because medical advances give us the illusion that we can control everything. So when things go wrong, or they’re really hard, or we feel traumatized even though we are “fine” it feels like it’s a personal problem instead of their being a cultural recognition that birth and death are inescapable realities of life. People used to have to look at these harsh realities up close. I’m not arguing for a return to women dying in childbirth (though we both knew the stats aren’t actually awesome now either) I’ll take my shot of pitocin to prevent me bleeding out, thanks! But I do think we’ve lost the awareness of just how fragile we are as people, and any tools, like rituals, to cope with making sense of that.
No, I haven't! I just peeked at her website; wow. And yeees to all you said. And it's not just medical advances - it's technology in general, namely access to the Internet. Thinking we can control everything and have it all just so if we just research enough / buy the right things / follow the right accounts... oof. Absolutely prevents us from living full, rich lives (which inherently contain difficulty, chaos, etc.)
Fascinating. I’ve found the American ritual of baby showers also .. not quite supportive. In Indian (Asian) culture, there is a feeding ceremony for the mother to be, where her favorite foods are prepared. I think my father in law cooked me dinner for a month (he’s retired) when I was pregnant. That has so much meaning to nourish the mother who is nourishing the child. In India postpartum mothers also get daily massages. Someone comes to the house and massages the mom and the baby… the foods that are prepared by the family are specifically for healing and milk production. There is so much ritual. Most of this I know because I married into an Indian family that knows these rituals. My parents who are from Bangladesh (next to India) have 0 rituals related to birth. My dad gave me a check to buy what I want, which seems very American to me.. 😂 so much of what I’ve learned over the years is a result of learning from other cultures and taking the good practices so I know what to do for my own daughters.
So cool/lovely. (And interesting that a nearby country would be so very different!) It's fascinating to think of what the existence of these rituals says about a culture's values!
Motherhood has made me realize how important ritual is, and how much I cherish it. I’m planning a baby shower for a friend right now and wanting to incorporate some of the blessingway traditions into it, but it does feel rather clunky… and interestingly it feels like not the right group of guests for a mother blessing, vs folks who are just going to come for brunch and do gifts. I’m not anti-baby shower, I think they can be really sweet. But a blessingway is much more real and intimate and that means a smaller group of “safe” people for the mom-to-be (at least in this scenario). We’ll see what I come up with 😅
Also love the bit about your bracelet, that’s so special and eerie!
Love it - good luck. It's tricky for sure! Let me know how it goes! Yes, same. Motherhood has taught me so much, including how powerful and sacred of an experience it is and just how much that is not in any way acknowledged.
Thanks! It really was so strange! I remember feeling upset about it for a hot second, and then, just a wave of peace. Like any good ritual, it wasn't the thing itself that mattered but the way it held and supported me.
Transitions in this culture often revolve around consumerism—the things that make us feel like an adult are all about buying (or achieving, like graduations or jobs). Baby showers, your first car, your first house. This is especially true if you aren’t religious (I know you are Catholic—I wonder if there are any lost Catholic motherhood rituals…or if most of them stayed rooted in folk culture, like the Italian one you shared). I love that ritual you shared and also love to dream of ways we could help people through puberty, young adulthood, parenthood, elderhood, with respect and joy without centering money or achievement.
Yes, so true. It's hard to have rituals when our culture is so... lacking culture? lol. I, too, am dreaming of ways. I'm seeing some ideas from uber-hippie moms on Instagram... and yes being Catholic really has helped in this regard. So much beautiful ceremony and embodiment!
The Churching of Women is one that I sometimes hear about in the Catholic Church, but not very often!
I’m very curious about this actually, and whether it’s still expected that women go to Mass right after they have a baby. I know historically there would have been a period of time at home for recovery — and I wonder why we’ve moved sooo far away from that.
I’m always shocked by how fast people I know are bouncing back into a normal pace of life with a newborn and I’m still barely leaving the house a month in…
Same! After I have a baby I don't go really anywhere for a good month!
I was just talking about this with someone - new mothers are definitely allowed to not go to Mass for a while after a baby. I'm not sure how long and how it works but someone just told me that! But yeah, the pressure to "get back to real life" after having a baby is so real. It's unfortunate that we have no cultural respect for the postpartum time... yet another area of motherhood where ritual is lacking:(
The six week period off of church still exists in Eastern Catholicism and Orthodoxy! We joined an Eastern Catholic Church two years ago and with our fourth-born I was able to go through all the Eastern maternal rituals. There's a blessing that's said over you and naming prayers for the baby the day after birth. Our priest came to the hospital to do this for me. Then there are eighth day prayers. And then you stay home for six weeks, and our priest made it very clear that I was not expected to come back to church early. He also came on those Sundays to give me communion. The Sunday I came back to church was when we did the churching prayers.
Baptism is just done anytime after that six period. And then there's actually a beautiful ritual of tonsuring the baby the week after his or her baptism (they do this for all baptisms in the east actually--even adults).
This was all a really healing experience for me because I've always felt super guilty about missing Mass after a new baby. I've also always had a bit of unease about the idea of rushing off within the next few days to get the baby baptized (I had mastitis three days after birth this time around and was feeling extremely rough). I know there's some kind of theological nuance between the east and west regarding baptism that motivates traditional couples in the west to do very early baptisms, but I don't totally understand the differences.
YES. I would imagine that the usual guidance would apply, which is, if you’re too sick to leave the house, you’re dispensed from your Sunday obligation. I do love the CoW as a sort of formalized ritual around that concept, although I haven’t requested it with either child. I went to Mass the Sunday after our second was born and just sat the whole time, but I really regretted it later. My bleeding picked back up, my pain got worse, etc. But it’s all very wishy washy which is… frustrating.
I think a lot these days about the need for orthodox (little o haha) female theologians and canon lawyers to help sort some of this out for the Church.
I started massively bleeding the week after second child was born to the point that I thought I was hemorrhaging. Turns out I apparently was just overdoing it. Overdoing it meaning--just taking care of a toddler and newborn 😓 So I am right there with you about women being encouraged to take the time off that they need.
Also, Sara, I saw your comment on another post that you worked at the JPII Foundation--I think we must have a number of mutual irl friends! My husband and I were married at Our Lady of Walsingham and several of my friends have worked at the Foundation!
Yes! I was on YAC with Raymond haha
SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! How did I not know this!? 🤣
ETA: Churching of Women would have been done 40 days after birth, I believe, or alongside the child’s baptism.
Interesting, Sara - thanks for sharing! I'll have to read about this! Also did you type "ETA" when you meant "FYI"? Lol. Something I would do.
Edited to add! But I don’t actually know how to edit comments LOL
I was going to mention churching as well—I wrote about it some time ago https://elizabethburtman.substack.com/p/the-churching-of-women-introduction
Thanks for sharing!
I’d love to hear more about how (even in small ways) you’ve used a blessingway or adaptation thereof. I’m also Catholic if that changes anything.
But I love the idea of welcoming a “new mom” into the maternal role and communal aspects of that. One of my good friends is expecting her first child and I’d be interested to do something for her.
Hi Erika! I'd love to share more about that. Noted!
Very much appreciated the sharing of this peasant ritual, Amber. It really got me thinking on what ritual means and what we have now in our lifetimes that can be perceived as them, and I came up with little. Graduations somehow were the first thing my brain offered up (maybe because besides a wedding) for secular culture, they seem the most ritualistic-there are robes, the walking across the stage, the turning in the tassel from one side to the other, the music, etc. But what is it representing? Getting through requisite schooling, schooling that often is not that great and can sometimes just be glorified free childcare (not always, not for all kids, some teachers and programs are great, exception exception exception… 😂). Even weddings are often just materialistic show-off spectacles (some are also absolutely lovely and meaningful). I feel like many rituals of yore have just been completely adulterated, diluted, or both.
I think this is just a symptom of both the denaturalization of humanity and loss of religious faith. We have so much technology, medication, and infrastructure now and along with it, the faith rests in those things rather than in God (or the gods) or Mother Nature or fate. If our national religion is STEM, then there is no need for ritual, as these modes of thinking deem it silly, frivolous, and stupid. When we can manipulate water and soil and temperature and use antibiotics and herbicides and GMO seeds for farming, there is no need to weave corn dollies and bury them in the fields to guarantee next season’s good harvest.
The baby shower thing is so, so, SO true. We need to be much more reverent in these situations.
Yes yes yes.
Our wedding was one of the most meaningful days of my life. It feels like there is still a lot of ritual left there, if you lean into it. But yes, so many are just spectacles these days, swanky parties. I’ve had four cousins have “child-free” weddings too… which has been a huge bummer. What a missed opportunity to weave together generations of family as a new family begins.
Glad I’m not alone in my baby shower aversion ;)
My husband started a ritual for dads, after a new baby is born. When our first baby was born, his friends came over one evening and they all had a "celebratory smoke." They bring their pipes or cigars, and stand around outside for an hour. Anytime one of our friends has a new baby, my husband calls up all the guys he thinks would want to come for the smoking party, it's usually planned with just a day or two's notice, and it's always around 8 or 9 at night. They always make sure the postpartum mom isn't left alone during this time of course and it's always held at the house (yard) of whoever had the new baby.
I've always thought it was kinda cool. When my 6th baby was born it was a very traumatic experience and I remember my husband being very encouraged by his friends coming together for him after that. When a friend of mine went through a difficult miscarriages and multiple hospital visits, once things had settled down a bit, the group of guys gathered for a smoke and beers to support the dad.
NOW. A friend (who I just visited today to meet her new baby), reminded me today that we need something like that for the postpartum moms! Of course, minus the beer and cigar smoking.
That is so lovely, truly. Thank you for sharing. And yes, need something equivalent for the moms! :)
I like to say that we are a people who are starving for ritual. I think it's partly why we are pursuing it in non traditional ways (intensive cult like exercise clubs for example) and also seeking it in traditional manners, too, like your mention of celebs pursuing more orthodox religious faiths.
"Starving for ritual" - absolutely. And yes I agree! We need it, so we will make it ourselves if it isn't available to us.
That passage was so lovely. Wow. Yes, the total absence of ritual or meaningful recognition of life's big shifts has been noticeable to me in many stages of motherhood - I also had a Blessingway ceremony with my fourth, but I remember friends opting not to come because they thought it was too weird (??? it's not like we were performing pagan sacrifices or something!) The lack of ritual also makes it so hard to help children become teens and teens become adults, and now that I'm entering a new stage of life with just one teen left in the home I find myself wishing there were some kind of ritual or ceremony to help with my transition too.
I know, wasn't it just incredible to read about how that ritual served so many purposes for a family? Ugh, sorry to hear about friends not wanting to come. I think when something is different, people feel afraid, maybe like they'll be put on the spot or something. I've actually wanted to learn how to facilitate women's circles and the like, and I've thought "Would people in [this small town where I live] be into it or would they dismiss it as too weird?" And absolutely to the teens/adults thing. I'm not there yet (my oldest is 8) but I'm sure I'll be thinking about that down the line. Please share (and tag me!) if you think of things to do to help ease/facilitate things at those ages!
https://open.substack.com/pub/sisternettle/p/how-to-start-and-host-a-womens-circle?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=1vkh8i
The above is an interesting article I recently read about starting a Womens' Circle
Such a beautiful piece, Amber! Your birth bracelet story gives me chills—though I can imagine at the time it would have been rather frustrating to have something meant to hold memories vanish unbidden.
I so appreciate how faith/church affiliation, nationality, and place/relationship can provide ways to identify and begin to practice rituals around major points of transition or transformation. I’m always so curious to hear other people’s experiences in this realm.
Thank you, Jan! It gives me chills too! It's just so strange. And yes, I was upset at first, but then quickly at peace. It had held me through the birth and then it was time for it to go, I guess! ;) Yes, me too! It's such a topic. Annelise above pointed to a women doing interesting work in this realm.
I'm curious if you've heard of a "closing of the bones" ceremony? It looks so lovely. I've just seen them referenced on the 'gram :)
My goodness. This is just so true and sad.
Thanks for reading. I know, it's a little heavy, isn't it?
Reading this article awakened an ache I didn’t know I have. What a special thing, an online women’s circle. As a pregnant mom with one little, I would love to know more. How goes one go about finding one worth joining?