I really enjoyed this piece, so much wisdom here. I was chatting with my mum a few days ago about this idea of “mom guilt” and how actually often when we feel guilt as mothers (or indeed in general) it’s because our actions in some way are not aligned with our values or desires. And so mom guilt can actually serve as an invitation to get curious about things we might want to change. I love how you’ve expanded this idea and so wisely linked it to the grief that often lies behind guilt and defensiveness. So often that grief is what we need to explore, painful though it might feel.
Yes! I actually have another essay I'm working on about mom guilt! There's a bit more to explore there, I think, but yes, so related to this! Thanks for reading and for your kind words
I’ve seen this line a few places - “I sat with my anger long enough, and she told me she was grief” and this has been so true for me.
Anger is easier than grief because it makes us feel like we’re doing something. It also makes us cynical, judgmental and shuts relationships and understanding down. And I have to think you’re right — that so much of our anger hs actually about not having a place to put our grief.
You should look up Dan Allender’s essay, “The Hidden Hope in Lament”. I think it may be one of the most impactful things I’ve ever read about learning to grieve — to lament — well.
Amber, this was so good and I appreciate this, too, Annelise. I’ve dealt with a ton of anger in the past couple years but finally realizing it’s both a symptom of some mental stuff mixed with just pure sadness over objectively disappointing or hard things (especially in motherhood). Still learning how to navigate it, but my husband is also noticing how that anger is often just a cover for being deeply sad about some things.
Amber, your explanation of thinking about schooling basically mirrors my own thoughts at the moment. (Down to having been a teacher… which honestly scarred me for life for public school on multiple levels.) But how to navigate the ideal vs. reality? It gets so tricky.
Thank you, Haley for sharing your reactions and experiences. It really is so tricky. And I by no means think everyone needs to homeschool or we're all doomed. I just personally feel a call to it, at least in these early years.
Yes. Absolutely get this. And footnote 2. I'm right there with you and its something that has come up with my husband and I about what is realistic given the state of things with... me already not doing great for periods of time. :)
Thank you, Annelise! Yeees, I've heard that line before, too! Beautiful. I will absolutely look up that essay! I'm vaguely familiar with his work from the (amazing) podcast "The Place We Find Ourselves"
One area I have suppressed grief is the fact that I had to have a (potentially doubly life-saving!) c-section, when my heart had been set on a “natural” birth. I really resonate with Annelise’s comment about unrecognized grief manifesting as anger. About as soon as the c-section happened, I switched from the Natural Bandwagon to the C-Section Bandwagon. (Grief is sooo uncomfortable.) And I honestly thought I was done processing this and had fully come to terms with it, until a conversation with an acquaintance a few months ago, where she tried to inform me of all the ways you can turn a breech baby, which I had tried (investing lots of money) to no avail. (I must have just not tried hard enough or known enough!) I got super cynical and annoyed, to my own complete surprise!
Then recently, a friend posted about her amazing home birth and while I was definitely happy for her, I was definitely more than a bit envious as well.
There have definitely been Christian women voices belittling the idea of grieving, especially around the area of birth. “Who are we to be entitled to the birth of our dreams? We should be grateful to give birth to a healthy baby!” 🙄 But it’s a false dilemma. I can be grieving something, without necessarily having felt entitled to it. Feelings are almost physical, they don’t respond to moral imperatives. But that sounds like a whole ‘nother conversation!
So I’m really glad you wrote about this. Glad to know I am not alone in the endeavor of reprocessing moments that I haven’t grieved yet.
Even though you may have come to terms with it, the issue and associated anger/grief may still rear its ugly head and need to be further processed. We are learning, growing creatures and this process is not unlike forgiveness —it’s usually not just one and done but a ‘journey’ (sorry, hackneyed) and a process.
God bless you and other commenters for your honesty and humility.
Oh, this is so helpful, as someone who can be easily offended and find myself defensive over the smallest things (I don’t want to be this way!) This is a great tool, to press in where I’m feeling defensive, and get curious about what grief I haven’t allowed myself to name or process yet. 💜
Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing this! We all are like this sometimes; it's very human! So you're not alone. But yes, I think it's a good general idea to be curious about our defensiveness. Thanks for reading.
You can have grief and anger sharing space. A woman in our church recently said publicly “ Gods greatest honor for women is life-bearing”. I was so angry (I am an infertility-adoptive mom). while looking as childless women from 20-80 in the pews. Guess we are only worthy of second best honor!
But i still have moments of private grief and deep sadness over not able to get pregnant, which is mixed with guilt as later in life learned pregnancy would have killed me due to an aorta defect.
Wiping tears as I write this comment. Thank you for writing this! I feel extremely connected to this piece. I’m so grateful for the gift of honest self reflection and validation. You are so brave to share your insights and journey with others.
Aw thank you friend for reading and for sharing your reaction. My writing is fun and cathartic for me, and when it feels supportive for others it makes me so happy!
I'm homeschooling my kids but often feel guilt/ shame over things that they're not getting because they're not going to school. The real so often doesn't live up to the ideal thing we envision. That said...I wish you all the best and all the joy!
I left this comment...then I walked away and thought...my comment is potentially one of the triggering, insensitive comments you were talking about (although I get you're not condemning those, and that's part of the point of your essay). I should have said "the real so often doesn't live up to the ideal thing I envision, and so I sometimes doubt whether I've made the best choice, or whether I am adequate." I didn't mean to throw cold water on your joy. I truly rejoiced with you when I read that you get to homeschool your kids... I LOVE homeschooling, and I think you will be amazing as a homeschool mom. I just related (in sort of an opposite way) to what you were talking about, though my issue is self-doubt, not grief. (Did I just dig myself into a deeper hole? )Anyway, I truly wish you the best!
You're so thoughtful; thank you. I totally know how it is to leave a quick comment and then be like, I feel like that may be read wrong! It's ok - your experience is yours and however you relate is okay!
I read your latest by the way and I wish you the best as well with what's to come! I do hope you write more in the future!
We sent our oldest to public school for three years. I originally couldn't see myself as a public school mom, but it actually worked out really well. I figured we'd stick with school, and I was relieved in some ways (I was homeschooled, and my mom always seemed really miserable). I was all set to stick it out.
Then circumstances changed. We needed to homeschool; school wasn't going to work anymore. And I had to re-adjust my picture of myself all over again. We've homeschooled for a year, and I'm enjoying it more than I thought I would, thankfully.
We're asked to do and be something other than what we planned and think is ideal so very often.
My daughter used to go to a private classical school where she surpassed every academic challenge. Now we homeschool and I’m very judgmental of myself that I am unable to challenge her at the same level as her old school. Thank you for sharing! I’ve been stuck on ruminations of my problem. It’s giving me a new perspective to ponder.
I think you’re on to something here!! The sad face on the breastfeeding comment…I feel like I’ve been in some variation of that convo so many times. Would like to sit down and think about all of the times. I am a homeschooling mom who sent her kids to school and it’s a lot of feelings. Mostly relief, but also some what ifs and regrets. Beautiful essay
So glad I found this. I liked the line where your partner said, you won’t be happy. I homeschooled for 3 years and the kids are in school for 2 years, and the differences are stark. I might write about it but they made me promise never to write about them on the internet. 😅I don’t use IG or any social media platforms so I’m saved from mom shaming etc I find those spaces a little toxic for my taste and choices. But I’ve been wondering if there are other creatives who struggle with child rearing and their art. Nice to meet you Amber!
Oh my goodness - there are so many of us! Nice to meet you, too!
Regarding homeschooling... thanks for sharing. I'm sure it's a whole thing. I'm leaving it open, for sure! It would surprise me zero percent if we sent the kids back to school at some point. Year by year, based on how we're all doing!
And yes, it's a tricky thing regarding writing about motherhood/parenting and respecting your kids as human beings. I like that Substack allows for some posts to go to only paid subscribers, which is more private.
I think your really hit the head on the nail here. I have only just come upon my own grief journey since the pandemic. Even as a homeschooling Mom, I feel this way about homeschooling sometimes. The grief that I wasn’t able to homeschool the way I wanted to, as freely or creatively as I wanted. That different children’s needs took over what we could and couldn’t do. Etc. Etc. Etc.
I really appreciate this post and the reminder to allow ourselves to grieve rather than becoming hardened and angry. ❤️
Thank you for reading and for sharing how it landed for you! Just so much grief mothers hold, I think, and being encouraged to bypass it is maddening to me!
I didn’t home ed my eldest. His dad was dead against it and I didn’t fancy a custody battle. But oh I felt so *judged* by so much home ed content online. I felt compelled to not only justify my decision but also explain how, despite sending him to school, it hadn’t actually sapped his creativity etc etc so THERE. It’s only relatively recently (I do home ed my youngest — I remarried and my daughter’s dad is positive about home ed) that so much of what I thought was judgement was me judging myself. I needed to let myself feel sad, angry and, yes, I needed to grieve — for not home educating my first. (Okay I have come across _some_ genuinely judgemental home edders too but far, far fewer than I had thought!)
Mmm. Such amazing self-awareness. It’s so freeing isn’t it to feel your feelings? And stop w the victim consciousness? Thank you for sharing your experiences here
I really enjoyed this piece, so much wisdom here. I was chatting with my mum a few days ago about this idea of “mom guilt” and how actually often when we feel guilt as mothers (or indeed in general) it’s because our actions in some way are not aligned with our values or desires. And so mom guilt can actually serve as an invitation to get curious about things we might want to change. I love how you’ve expanded this idea and so wisely linked it to the grief that often lies behind guilt and defensiveness. So often that grief is what we need to explore, painful though it might feel.
Yes! I actually have another essay I'm working on about mom guilt! There's a bit more to explore there, I think, but yes, so related to this! Thanks for reading and for your kind words
This is so insightful, Amber!
I’ve seen this line a few places - “I sat with my anger long enough, and she told me she was grief” and this has been so true for me.
Anger is easier than grief because it makes us feel like we’re doing something. It also makes us cynical, judgmental and shuts relationships and understanding down. And I have to think you’re right — that so much of our anger hs actually about not having a place to put our grief.
You should look up Dan Allender’s essay, “The Hidden Hope in Lament”. I think it may be one of the most impactful things I’ve ever read about learning to grieve — to lament — well.
https://theallendercenter.org/2016/06/hidden-hope-lament/
YES. Wow.
Amber, this was so good and I appreciate this, too, Annelise. I’ve dealt with a ton of anger in the past couple years but finally realizing it’s both a symptom of some mental stuff mixed with just pure sadness over objectively disappointing or hard things (especially in motherhood). Still learning how to navigate it, but my husband is also noticing how that anger is often just a cover for being deeply sad about some things.
Amber, your explanation of thinking about schooling basically mirrors my own thoughts at the moment. (Down to having been a teacher… which honestly scarred me for life for public school on multiple levels.) But how to navigate the ideal vs. reality? It gets so tricky.
Thank you, Haley for sharing your reactions and experiences. It really is so tricky. And I by no means think everyone needs to homeschool or we're all doomed. I just personally feel a call to it, at least in these early years.
Yes. Absolutely get this. And footnote 2. I'm right there with you and its something that has come up with my husband and I about what is realistic given the state of things with... me already not doing great for periods of time. :)
Thank you, Annelise! Yeees, I've heard that line before, too! Beautiful. I will absolutely look up that essay! I'm vaguely familiar with his work from the (amazing) podcast "The Place We Find Ourselves"
One area I have suppressed grief is the fact that I had to have a (potentially doubly life-saving!) c-section, when my heart had been set on a “natural” birth. I really resonate with Annelise’s comment about unrecognized grief manifesting as anger. About as soon as the c-section happened, I switched from the Natural Bandwagon to the C-Section Bandwagon. (Grief is sooo uncomfortable.) And I honestly thought I was done processing this and had fully come to terms with it, until a conversation with an acquaintance a few months ago, where she tried to inform me of all the ways you can turn a breech baby, which I had tried (investing lots of money) to no avail. (I must have just not tried hard enough or known enough!) I got super cynical and annoyed, to my own complete surprise!
Then recently, a friend posted about her amazing home birth and while I was definitely happy for her, I was definitely more than a bit envious as well.
There have definitely been Christian women voices belittling the idea of grieving, especially around the area of birth. “Who are we to be entitled to the birth of our dreams? We should be grateful to give birth to a healthy baby!” 🙄 But it’s a false dilemma. I can be grieving something, without necessarily having felt entitled to it. Feelings are almost physical, they don’t respond to moral imperatives. But that sounds like a whole ‘nother conversation!
So I’m really glad you wrote about this. Glad to know I am not alone in the endeavor of reprocessing moments that I haven’t grieved yet.
Even though you may have come to terms with it, the issue and associated anger/grief may still rear its ugly head and need to be further processed. We are learning, growing creatures and this process is not unlike forgiveness —it’s usually not just one and done but a ‘journey’ (sorry, hackneyed) and a process.
God bless you and other commenters for your honesty and humility.
Oh, this is so helpful, as someone who can be easily offended and find myself defensive over the smallest things (I don’t want to be this way!) This is a great tool, to press in where I’m feeling defensive, and get curious about what grief I haven’t allowed myself to name or process yet. 💜
Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing this! We all are like this sometimes; it's very human! So you're not alone. But yes, I think it's a good general idea to be curious about our defensiveness. Thanks for reading.
You can have grief and anger sharing space. A woman in our church recently said publicly “ Gods greatest honor for women is life-bearing”. I was so angry (I am an infertility-adoptive mom). while looking as childless women from 20-80 in the pews. Guess we are only worthy of second best honor!
But i still have moments of private grief and deep sadness over not able to get pregnant, which is mixed with guilt as later in life learned pregnancy would have killed me due to an aorta defect.
And all of that is the human heart
Don’t disagree with a thing you’ve said here, sister. Thank you for sharing your experiences
Wiping tears as I write this comment. Thank you for writing this! I feel extremely connected to this piece. I’m so grateful for the gift of honest self reflection and validation. You are so brave to share your insights and journey with others.
Aw thank you friend for reading and for sharing your reaction. My writing is fun and cathartic for me, and when it feels supportive for others it makes me so happy!
Love this, Amber.
I'm homeschooling my kids but often feel guilt/ shame over things that they're not getting because they're not going to school. The real so often doesn't live up to the ideal thing we envision. That said...I wish you all the best and all the joy!
I left this comment...then I walked away and thought...my comment is potentially one of the triggering, insensitive comments you were talking about (although I get you're not condemning those, and that's part of the point of your essay). I should have said "the real so often doesn't live up to the ideal thing I envision, and so I sometimes doubt whether I've made the best choice, or whether I am adequate." I didn't mean to throw cold water on your joy. I truly rejoiced with you when I read that you get to homeschool your kids... I LOVE homeschooling, and I think you will be amazing as a homeschool mom. I just related (in sort of an opposite way) to what you were talking about, though my issue is self-doubt, not grief. (Did I just dig myself into a deeper hole? )Anyway, I truly wish you the best!
You're so thoughtful; thank you. I totally know how it is to leave a quick comment and then be like, I feel like that may be read wrong! It's ok - your experience is yours and however you relate is okay!
I read your latest by the way and I wish you the best as well with what's to come! I do hope you write more in the future!
Late to the party here...
We sent our oldest to public school for three years. I originally couldn't see myself as a public school mom, but it actually worked out really well. I figured we'd stick with school, and I was relieved in some ways (I was homeschooled, and my mom always seemed really miserable). I was all set to stick it out.
Then circumstances changed. We needed to homeschool; school wasn't going to work anymore. And I had to re-adjust my picture of myself all over again. We've homeschooled for a year, and I'm enjoying it more than I thought I would, thankfully.
We're asked to do and be something other than what we planned and think is ideal so very often.
Yes yes yes. We sure are. Thank you for sharing💞
My daughter used to go to a private classical school where she surpassed every academic challenge. Now we homeschool and I’m very judgmental of myself that I am unable to challenge her at the same level as her old school. Thank you for sharing! I’ve been stuck on ruminations of my problem. It’s giving me a new perspective to ponder.
Thank you for reading and sharing your situation. Sending love as you navigate that!
I think you’re on to something here!! The sad face on the breastfeeding comment…I feel like I’ve been in some variation of that convo so many times. Would like to sit down and think about all of the times. I am a homeschooling mom who sent her kids to school and it’s a lot of feelings. Mostly relief, but also some what ifs and regrets. Beautiful essay
Thank you and thanks for reading Caroline
I am excited for your family's new homeschool adventures!
Thank you Katie. I'm exciting to join the ranks. Adventures seems like a good word ;)
So glad I found this. I liked the line where your partner said, you won’t be happy. I homeschooled for 3 years and the kids are in school for 2 years, and the differences are stark. I might write about it but they made me promise never to write about them on the internet. 😅I don’t use IG or any social media platforms so I’m saved from mom shaming etc I find those spaces a little toxic for my taste and choices. But I’ve been wondering if there are other creatives who struggle with child rearing and their art. Nice to meet you Amber!
Oh my goodness - there are so many of us! Nice to meet you, too!
Regarding homeschooling... thanks for sharing. I'm sure it's a whole thing. I'm leaving it open, for sure! It would surprise me zero percent if we sent the kids back to school at some point. Year by year, based on how we're all doing!
And yes, it's a tricky thing regarding writing about motherhood/parenting and respecting your kids as human beings. I like that Substack allows for some posts to go to only paid subscribers, which is more private.
Very beautifully written, Amber ♥️
Thank you Cori! Thanks for reading
I think your really hit the head on the nail here. I have only just come upon my own grief journey since the pandemic. Even as a homeschooling Mom, I feel this way about homeschooling sometimes. The grief that I wasn’t able to homeschool the way I wanted to, as freely or creatively as I wanted. That different children’s needs took over what we could and couldn’t do. Etc. Etc. Etc.
I really appreciate this post and the reminder to allow ourselves to grieve rather than becoming hardened and angry. ❤️
Thank you for reading and for sharing how it landed for you! Just so much grief mothers hold, I think, and being encouraged to bypass it is maddening to me!
Great post. Deffo chimes with my experience.
I didn’t home ed my eldest. His dad was dead against it and I didn’t fancy a custody battle. But oh I felt so *judged* by so much home ed content online. I felt compelled to not only justify my decision but also explain how, despite sending him to school, it hadn’t actually sapped his creativity etc etc so THERE. It’s only relatively recently (I do home ed my youngest — I remarried and my daughter’s dad is positive about home ed) that so much of what I thought was judgement was me judging myself. I needed to let myself feel sad, angry and, yes, I needed to grieve — for not home educating my first. (Okay I have come across _some_ genuinely judgemental home edders too but far, far fewer than I had thought!)
Mmm. Such amazing self-awareness. It’s so freeing isn’t it to feel your feelings? And stop w the victim consciousness? Thank you for sharing your experiences here
I know when I labeled what I felt as grief, I felt so much better - even if it wasn’t resolved.