On ambition and motherhood

Advice from a working/SAH/hate-the-labels mother

Since this post is about creating-while-mothering, I wanted to share that last week this little publication reached 500 subscribers! Thank you to everyone who has taken in and/or shared my words and ideas. You have no idea how meaningful it is to me. Thank you, so much.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

I’ve been an at-home mother for almost 8 years, and I’ve always done writing on the side.

First it was my little blog which I started about a year before getting pregnant (RIP Alternative Grace), next it was writing for free for different places around the Internet, then it was branching into legit freelancing, sometimes writing content for businesses, sometimes writing for publications.

Aside from becoming a mother, it’s been the best thing I’ve ever done.

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There’s a strong idea in American culture that women have to choose: motherhood or career. You become a mom and you get to pick. Will you be a working mom, or a stay-at-home mom?¹ There’s kind of an implied message along with this, something like will you choose yourself, or will you choose your children?

This is bullshit.

This narrative does a lot of harm (*restrains herself from ranting in order to stay on the topic at hand*), but one of the ways it’s harmful is that it makes women who feel called to be home with their children think they can’t or shouldn’t pursue efforts outside the work of children + home.

Because, after all, this is what they chose (and this is what that looks like).

A bit of my story

I didn’t buy into the “SAHM” identity, but I also found being at home to be difficult.

I knew I was going to be home with my kids when they were young. My husband and I both had moms who were our primary caretakers, and this was a desire we had for our own family. But I found out quickly that this role was hard for me.

I believed in what I was doing, but that didn’t make it easy to carry it out. I’m ambitious—and often felt like I wasn’t accomplishing anything. I’m creative—and was spending a lot of time doing the most mundane, repetitive tasks. And I’m intellectual—but didn’t have much of a natural outlet for that part of myself. (Kids 5 and under aren’t boring by any means, but they also aren’t capable of philosophical inquiry.)

So I wrote words, whenever and however I could. Writing kept me sane in early motherhood.

But there was tension. Of course, there was the question of how would I “balance” it with my other work, my primary work, of caring for the children and our home? And then a bigger question: was it, like, wise for me to be doing this? Well-meaning Christians in my life—including my own husband sometimes—encouraged me to “stop trying to do so much,” the implication being I should just focus on the tasks of our kids and our house.

(I don’t think they were wrong, but I also don’t think they were right.)

I did it. For 8 years, I mothered, I homemake-d, and I wrote (and I’m still doing it). I’m so glad I did, even though it wasn’t easy and there was doubt and frustration along the way. I’d like to take some time to share some insights and lessons I’ve learned in walking this path.

Photo by Buse Doga Ay on Unsplash

12 things on motherhood and ambition

Here are 12 things I’d tell an ambitious, creative mother in no particular order except the one in which they came to my brain:

1. It’s smart to make art during motherhood, because the inspiration is high. Nothing stimulates deep reflection on life and all that matters like becoming a mother. I had a conversation once with an older writer friend who said, “When they’re young you feel like all you need is time [to write]. But now I have the time, and the inspiration isn’t there like it was when they were little.” OKAY. Here for that wisdom.

2. People who’ve never done what you’re doing can’t give you advice on how to proceed. Being at home and creating alongside that is sort of a trailblazing choice, and to find someone who has done that—and has done the same art as you—isn’t easy. I’ve felt lonely and also wanted guidance, and I’ve had to seek out mentors in this area that have come mostly in the form of Internet friends and online mentors and books. I’d encourage you to do the same (and of course, I can be your Internet friend!).

3. Along those same lines, it’s helpful to get comfortable being misunderstood. You’ll feel like an outsider, most likely, because you don’t neatly fit into one of the two molds that are so formed in our cultural consciousness. You’ll be challenging the ideals of mainstream feminist culture if you dedicate most of your time to your children and home, and you’ll be challenging the ideals of mainstream Christian culture if you desire to do work outside of your children and home. It’s just good to know this. I was a misfit. You’re a misfit. It’s fine. You’re safe. You’ll find your confidence and you’ll find your people.

4. God made you the way that you are. This is something it took me years to realize: I am who I am for a reason. Trying to fit myself into some sort of pre-determined mold isn’t just silly, it’s flat-out disrespectful to the one who gave me my gifts. Yes, it will require discernment regarding how to spend my time. But just the realization that I could—no I should—pursue what was calling my soul was huge for me.

5. You don’t have to play with your kids to be a good mom. Once I realized this, it freed up so much mental and physical space for me (ahem, more time to sneak in writing!). I love reading with my kids and talking with them. I love setting up our home for them to be successful and creative. I do not love playing with them, and thankfully that’s not actually what they need anyway. They need a mom who delights in being with them, and if I’m faking enjoyment of the Magna-tile unicorn town creation, they’re not getting that (and they can tell).

6. You can outsource. I’m not good at cleaning, and I don’t like it.² I’ve paid for help with it since year one of at-home parenting! I quickly realized that the work was too much for me, and/or that I’d lose my mind if I did it all. I was thoughtfully caretaking, providing meals, and staying on top of the day-to-day stuff like laundry and dishes, and the deep cleaning was just not happening. I hired it out and I’ve never looked back. It doesn’t have to be as expensive or as frequent as you think—I’ve always hired someone privately and for 2ish hours every other week (and cut to once a month if times were tough).

7. Life as a mother changes quickly. This one is for the very new mothers. I wrote an essay in my first year of motherhood about how I missed my old life and wanted to be able to say that out loud, and I remember it came out of a feeling like, so I guess this is my life now. I didn’t yet understand how fast babies grow and become toddlers who become preschoolers who become kids. This intense season doesn’t last, and you will have more time for your art down the road. I know, it doesn’t feel that way, but you will. Soak in that squishy baby (and create during those nap times ‘cause those go away too!).

8. Related, you become better at all of it. The first years are particularly hard because you’re adjusting to and learning so much. I’m 8 years and three kids in, and though I’m absolutely still learning and can always improve, I have my ways now: for cooking, for organizing, for staying on top of cleaning, for kids’ injuries and illnesses, and yes, for how to squeeze writing in.

9. You may want to reflect on your need for external validation. This one is a little deeper, but it’s been a big part of my journey so I’m sharing it in case it connects for you, too. Qusetions to ask yourself: Where did you get the idea that your worth comes from what you achieve or produce? How do you see this showing up in your life? What can motherhood teach you here, if you let it?

10. Try to let your kids in on your process. This is harder when they’re young, but make efforts to let your kids know what you’re up to when you’re working on your art. Instead of just leaving to go to the coffeeshop and telling them “I’ll be back soon!” I now say something like, “I’m going to work on an essay I’ve been thinking about! I’m so excited about it. I’ll let you know how it goes!” I show them my laptop screen and explain what “writing” is. By doing this you’re sharing with your kids who you truly are: their mother, yes, but also a person who has interests and passions and talents outside of everything you are to them. This not only deepens your relationship but sets a good example for them in both motherhood and creativity.

11. Small efforts add up. You might not be able to create at the same pace as others, but a little bit here and there will add up over the years. Press “delete” on the girlboss hustle mindset that is so pervasive in our culture and just commit to regular short burts of work. A few years down the road you’ll be amazed at the body of work you build up, the connections you’ve made, and the skills you’ve gained in your craft.

12. Your time for your art will come. Did I just say this? Oh well, this is a big one. For years I watched others’ creative success and it felt painful. Not because I wasn’t happy for them, but because I knew I could do what they were doing. At some point I made peace with my season of life and set aside a book I’d been trying to write and instead began sharing the book’s ideas in smaller form on social media. It’s so hard, I know, but chip away at your art, do what you can and let go of any comparison or results. Your time to shine will come. What’s meant for you will not pass you by.³ And, I’ll just go ahead add the cliche old lady thing here too: you’ll never regret the time with your kids. (Once you see one kid get big, trust me—you’ll see how precious the first few years are!)

Photo by Karen Penroz on Unsplash

You?

What resonates with you from that list? What questions do you have about weaving early motherhood with creative projects? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences, as always.

Recommended reading

I’ve created a resource! This is a topic so close to my heart, and from conversation with other women I know it’s a big one for many.

So, I made a book list for ambitious/creative mothers!

The list includes books that have helped me understand the importance of a mother’s work and presence in the early years, affirmed and encouraged my desire to tend to both my children and my writing, pushed back on the harmful ideas of mainstream American feminism that (I now realize) were making me so unhappy, and supported me in being bold and courageous in my creative efforts. I include my experience with each book and a quote from it. These are all books I’ve read (not just heard of) and that brought a lot of value for me in the last eight years!

Thank you all for reading the words I write, and full subcribers, your PDF Books to Support the Creative, Ambitious Mother should be accessible under the new “resources” tab on my homepage.

1. I’ve written extensively on my old blog and on Instagram about this dichotomy: how both of those labels embody stereotypes, how the language itself is problematic, how many women are thoughtfully existing along a spectrum of work and motherhood and so it doesn’t even represent reality. At some point I’ll gather those thoughts in a post here.

2. This podcast is my favorite for cleaning and organizing inspiration

3. This was written on a big old sign in the AirBnB we stayed at when we went to see Hamilton in Chigago in 2018. I was in the throes of early motherhood and it hit me hard.