Amber, really needed to read this today, thanks. So much of this resonates! I’m a first time mom with an almost two year old and I feel so caught between identities, roles, hopes, dreams, plans etc lately — I really am not the kind of person who can just settle down and not work in some capacity, as appealing as some people make it seem— but I also cherish being able to be home with my daughter. Thanks for the encouragement to drop the labels and naming the existential urgency of “choosing” one thing or the other (yourself or your kids). Also like how you explain to your kids about how you’re going to write vs. just “be back soon.”
Always hated the SAHM label too, even as I use it often… it implies being trapped or something. Plus I’m like… we’re hardly ever home? Haha.
And regarding the language of the labels themselves… yes so annoying. I’ve written extensively on this (need to share here!) “SAHM” absolutely implies being trapped, being away from the world, yes!
Mm thank you for sharing all this! Yes, I really questioned myself for years, like why can’t I be happy being home / with my kids? I had the quote on my fridge: “children are not a distraction from more important work—they are the most important work,” I think almost shaming myself in a way. I now realize yes i do think the kids are the most important work—AND that doesn’t mean I spend every ounce of my time and energy on them. I am a person and this is who I am—it’s ok for me to take time to attend to who I am! I think because the work of being an at-home parent has no defined boundaries, and because you could literally work constantly and never be done, it can be hard to step away! I *just* feel like I’m in a good place with this. It took a long time.
This is such a topic! More to come and I’m glad this felt supportive to you❤️
I needed this today. I am definitely in the weeds of early motherhood, juggling two tiny kids as a SAHM whilst running a small biz. I also have creative ambition but feel so time poor. So these timely words are a real encouragement, thank you for sharing 🙏🏼
This resonates so deeply! I'm 12 years into motherhood now, and have come a long way, but I started my journey amidst a group of hardcore churchgoing homemaking moms and I sometimes stayed home and sometimes worked. I always tried to find time to write. For years I thought that it was some flaw inside myself that I "Couldn't just do one thing" - I always had to be working on several different projects in my life, some combination of parenting, working, and creative pursuits. Just this past year a friend said to me "I don't think you were made to just do one thing" and I've been able to finally start reframing this for myself ever since. But it's still tricky!
So much resonated in your article. Only difference is that both me and husband both had moms with careers/jobs and thought I’d be bored out of my mind when I left corporate work to be a full time mom. They keep thinking I’m not living up to my potential but writing and exploring my creativity and motherhood without a paycheck is the best investment I’ve made in my family’s wellbeing. It’s nice to know there are others like me in the world — the creative mother in the middle.
It's interesting because although I had a mom mostly at home (she was a farm wife and worked alongside my dad), I also thought I'd be bored out of my mind! I was shocked by how much work it all was. I assume this was my feminist programming, that clearly intelligent, ambitious women don't "stay home." I do feel lucky that I don't have any of that "you're wasting your potential" stuff from either my parents or my in-laws. That wouldn't be fun. Good for you for confidently doing it! Blazing the trail!
Also, I almost subtitled this post "from a mother in the middle"! We're on the same wavelength ;)
I needed the reminder that small efforts do indeed add up. I struggle with the idea that I need a solid 2-4 hours alone at the library/coffee shop in order to actually think straight and get any meaningful writing done. And then I wait for that to happen, and it just doesn’t. Re-framing time and what I can sneak in during those moments between bath times and the fourth load of dishes for the day 😆 I joke but it’s so true! A sentence here and there truly adds up.
I do struggle with guilt of typing/being on the laptop in front of them, despite the fact that they are generally happy and occupied with things I have provided for them and set up. Curious how others handle that feeling?
Thank you for the reminder about "letting the kids in" -- I forget this! I forget that, every time I read them a part of an essay or something else I've written, they love being in on it. "hiding" my creative work from them -- which is usually unintentional anyway -- supports the idea that mom being creative is somehow "bad" for the family. Written out like that, it's easy to see that it's crazy.
Really needed to hear 6-8 in this season. Still adjusting to parenthood a year in and it’s so helpful to hear that the feeling of having totally lost yourself and your old life doesn’t stay forever and you can get pieces back. Thank you!
I think also that a writer who is a mom of young kids needs to be patient with herself and realize that, if the words aren't flowing like they used to, this is temporary and likely due to exhaustion. The words will come back if you patiently nurture them.
Yes, love this. If all you can do for a while as a mother/writer is write a bit in a journal for five minutes a day, do that. Words on the page are never a waste!
I needed this one today! Thank you, Amber. All I keep telling myself is that I KNOW that I will regret it if I miss these years with my kids. Such a hard shift to go from "achieving" to being a mother. I hope to raise Clara with more of the mentality to be faithful to God than climbing the ladder to no where.
This just makes me so happy for some reason? As a passionate at-home mother who is also creative I love learning from the wise women who have gone before me. This was a candid and encouraging read, thank you.
Thank you so, so much for this article. It’s lovely to know there are other women out there like me.
I’ve been a mom for eleven years, and I still feel like I’m trying to settle and balance between being a working mom and a SAH mom.
Every time I try to talk to another mom about the stress I feel at trying to balance what I do, more often than not the advice is “well, just stop writing then.” (I even had one mom try to guilt/shame me for having “commitments outside of my family.”) People don’t understand WHY I have to have some kind of pursuit outside my kids… I’ve never wanted to be a woman whose whole identity was wrapped up in her family.
Thankfully my husband gets it, because his mom was a working homeschool mom. But at times, this feels like a very isolating path.
Aw, loved reading your response! And that's so amazing that your husband gets it. Getting mine on board was one of my biggest hurdles! It's kind of complicated though and I'm sure I'll share about that someday.
Anyway, love to you and you're ABSOLUTELY not alone. There are so many women out there like us! I think one reason we don't hear more is that this dichotomy is so ingrained in our cultural consciousness that women don't know how to share about it. Like, there's no shared understanding or language around what it means to exist as a mother who mothers but also does other things but not a full-time job outside the home.
Amber, really needed to read this today, thanks. So much of this resonates! I’m a first time mom with an almost two year old and I feel so caught between identities, roles, hopes, dreams, plans etc lately — I really am not the kind of person who can just settle down and not work in some capacity, as appealing as some people make it seem— but I also cherish being able to be home with my daughter. Thanks for the encouragement to drop the labels and naming the existential urgency of “choosing” one thing or the other (yourself or your kids). Also like how you explain to your kids about how you’re going to write vs. just “be back soon.”
Always hated the SAHM label too, even as I use it often… it implies being trapped or something. Plus I’m like… we’re hardly ever home? Haha.
And regarding the language of the labels themselves… yes so annoying. I’ve written extensively on this (need to share here!) “SAHM” absolutely implies being trapped, being away from the world, yes!
Mm thank you for sharing all this! Yes, I really questioned myself for years, like why can’t I be happy being home / with my kids? I had the quote on my fridge: “children are not a distraction from more important work—they are the most important work,” I think almost shaming myself in a way. I now realize yes i do think the kids are the most important work—AND that doesn’t mean I spend every ounce of my time and energy on them. I am a person and this is who I am—it’s ok for me to take time to attend to who I am! I think because the work of being an at-home parent has no defined boundaries, and because you could literally work constantly and never be done, it can be hard to step away! I *just* feel like I’m in a good place with this. It took a long time.
This is such a topic! More to come and I’m glad this felt supportive to you❤️
I needed this today. I am definitely in the weeds of early motherhood, juggling two tiny kids as a SAHM whilst running a small biz. I also have creative ambition but feel so time poor. So these timely words are a real encouragement, thank you for sharing 🙏🏼
Thanks as always for reading and I'm honored that this post encouraged you.
This resonates so deeply! I'm 12 years into motherhood now, and have come a long way, but I started my journey amidst a group of hardcore churchgoing homemaking moms and I sometimes stayed home and sometimes worked. I always tried to find time to write. For years I thought that it was some flaw inside myself that I "Couldn't just do one thing" - I always had to be working on several different projects in my life, some combination of parenting, working, and creative pursuits. Just this past year a friend said to me "I don't think you were made to just do one thing" and I've been able to finally start reframing this for myself ever since. But it's still tricky!
So much resonated in your article. Only difference is that both me and husband both had moms with careers/jobs and thought I’d be bored out of my mind when I left corporate work to be a full time mom. They keep thinking I’m not living up to my potential but writing and exploring my creativity and motherhood without a paycheck is the best investment I’ve made in my family’s wellbeing. It’s nice to know there are others like me in the world — the creative mother in the middle.
Yes, there are so many like us!
It's interesting because although I had a mom mostly at home (she was a farm wife and worked alongside my dad), I also thought I'd be bored out of my mind! I was shocked by how much work it all was. I assume this was my feminist programming, that clearly intelligent, ambitious women don't "stay home." I do feel lucky that I don't have any of that "you're wasting your potential" stuff from either my parents or my in-laws. That wouldn't be fun. Good for you for confidently doing it! Blazing the trail!
Also, I almost subtitled this post "from a mother in the middle"! We're on the same wavelength ;)
Loved this list so much.
Thank you for this, Amber. Very encouraging. 🙏
I needed the reminder that small efforts do indeed add up. I struggle with the idea that I need a solid 2-4 hours alone at the library/coffee shop in order to actually think straight and get any meaningful writing done. And then I wait for that to happen, and it just doesn’t. Re-framing time and what I can sneak in during those moments between bath times and the fourth load of dishes for the day 😆 I joke but it’s so true! A sentence here and there truly adds up.
I do struggle with guilt of typing/being on the laptop in front of them, despite the fact that they are generally happy and occupied with things I have provided for them and set up. Curious how others handle that feeling?
AMBER. You have put to words what I feel every day. Thank you so much for sharing.
Each one of these points resonated so deeply! And each one feels like a green light to create, mother, flourish in the way only I can.
Thank you for the reminder about "letting the kids in" -- I forget this! I forget that, every time I read them a part of an essay or something else I've written, they love being in on it. "hiding" my creative work from them -- which is usually unintentional anyway -- supports the idea that mom being creative is somehow "bad" for the family. Written out like that, it's easy to see that it's crazy.
Really needed to hear 6-8 in this season. Still adjusting to parenthood a year in and it’s so helpful to hear that the feeling of having totally lost yourself and your old life doesn’t stay forever and you can get pieces back. Thank you!
Mm, thanks for sharing. I see you! It’s an intense time right now and it won’t always feel like this!
Amen to all of it!
I think also that a writer who is a mom of young kids needs to be patient with herself and realize that, if the words aren't flowing like they used to, this is temporary and likely due to exhaustion. The words will come back if you patiently nurture them.
Yes, love this. If all you can do for a while as a mother/writer is write a bit in a journal for five minutes a day, do that. Words on the page are never a waste!
I needed this one today! Thank you, Amber. All I keep telling myself is that I KNOW that I will regret it if I miss these years with my kids. Such a hard shift to go from "achieving" to being a mother. I hope to raise Clara with more of the mentality to be faithful to God than climbing the ladder to no where.
*not me crying reading this comment*
Yes #9 could be a whole... book? Oof.
This just makes me so happy for some reason? As a passionate at-home mother who is also creative I love learning from the wise women who have gone before me. This was a candid and encouraging read, thank you.
I'm sure I could learn so much from you as well. Thanks for reading and for this comment!
Thank you so, so much for this article. It’s lovely to know there are other women out there like me.
I’ve been a mom for eleven years, and I still feel like I’m trying to settle and balance between being a working mom and a SAH mom.
Every time I try to talk to another mom about the stress I feel at trying to balance what I do, more often than not the advice is “well, just stop writing then.” (I even had one mom try to guilt/shame me for having “commitments outside of my family.”) People don’t understand WHY I have to have some kind of pursuit outside my kids… I’ve never wanted to be a woman whose whole identity was wrapped up in her family.
Thankfully my husband gets it, because his mom was a working homeschool mom. But at times, this feels like a very isolating path.
Thank you, again.
Aw, loved reading your response! And that's so amazing that your husband gets it. Getting mine on board was one of my biggest hurdles! It's kind of complicated though and I'm sure I'll share about that someday.
Anyway, love to you and you're ABSOLUTELY not alone. There are so many women out there like us! I think one reason we don't hear more is that this dichotomy is so ingrained in our cultural consciousness that women don't know how to share about it. Like, there's no shared understanding or language around what it means to exist as a mother who mothers but also does other things but not a full-time job outside the home.
We, women, have to not play in the sandbox of labels. Being a mom or dad does not a prefix. You are a mom because you have children. End of story.