yep except the phase for me was, like, half my life :S
I think this speaks to something though, right? Why are we so eager to say we're not like other girls? I think this especially happens for smart women.
I never rejected femininity (I’ve always like pretty clothes and dancing and crafts) but I remember having a vague idea that it was better to raise girls more “gender neutral.” Similar to your experience, that mostly went by the wayside once I had real daughters. Both of mine were about 18 months when they developed opinions about what they liked to wear. I tease them that I am going to dress them up like I did my dollies, but it’s funny exactly because they have exactly none of it. They went through the nothing-but-pink-and-princesses stage and out the other end of it, no harm done.
The other thing that motherhood does is put things in perspective. Little girls loving pink tulle and tea parties is not a serious social issue, full stop.
Not that I’m entirely sanguine about the modeling of social roles. I think commercial toys and electronic games and their marketing can take femininity to an absurd extreme. If it’s not harmful it’s at best ridiculous. I hope I am providing enough opportunity for the girls to experience that messiness of real life, not some rarified vision of it put out to market toys or entertainment.
I clearly remember my husband giving his sister a hard time when she was telling us that our 2yo niece had strong preferences about what to wear. He has eaten major crow on that as ALL THREE of our girls became opinionated about their clothing at that age as well lolll.
Yes, re: perspective. Motherhood (especially multiple young kids) is so grounded in reality that there's not a lot of time for ideological fanfare. Re: modeling of social roles, yes of course. I don't know much about marketing of those things but I can imagine. However I will say that I personally am so tired of the prescriptiveness in the other direction that I'm all about opportunities for my girls to be in the world in stereotypically feminine ways! I'd never push them in any direction but I'm so tired of the "girls can do anything boys can do!" mentality
I feel the same… I used to be such a tomboy and hated “girly” things. I dstill don’t have much use for stereotypical girly-girl/hyperfeminine accoutrements (hot pink things especially, ew) but I do love real feminine things, like a nicely tailored dress or a good recipe exchange or spending a bit more time on my appearance. I like to think that I have broadened my horizons on this subject; it’s confining, really, to think of femininity as somehow lesser. Still not a hot pink girly girl tho 😅
Though maybe, as some have said in the other comments, “feminine” and “girly” are not synonymous
Great post. My little Clara just loves pink and pur-purl and anything sparkly. I used to think I won't be taken seriously if I did too but now I DON'T CARE. She can like whatever she likes and so will I ... when I figure out what that exactly is.
I read this and cried. I felt I could have written it myself - it so resonated with me and my experience of raising two girls and the change motherhood brought to my views on ‘girliness’, the struggle to embrace my own femininity and accept my choice to be a full-time mother and homemaker within a culture that does not value such pursuits. I have converted to Christianity since becoming a mother too (after experiencing two very different and difficult births and some severe postnatal mental/emotional/spiritual health difficulties after the birth of my second daughter) and I sometimes struggle with the absence of ‘the feminine’ within the consciousness and practices of the churches in the UK, where I live. I find your writing a huge encouragement, a blessing and a comfort. Thank you. 🙏
Thank you, Sarah, for reading and for sharing this comment. I'm honored my words are meaningful to you.
I absolutely know what you mean with regard to the absence of the feminine. That is truly a foundational issue in our world and something I want to write more about. I'm curious - what stream of Christianity do you find yourself in? I felt that way before converting to Catholicism. Now, with the veneration of Mary, female saints, a service/faith full of ritual and embodied practices... I don't feel that way anymore.
I love this! And may I also say, as a former professional ballet dancer, dance is not "girly" 🤣 Of course, at the beginning, there's a lot of just twirling & having fun (as it should be!) but dance is a sport as well as an art form and takes an incredible amount of grit and determination to succeed in. The strongest people I've ever known have been ballet dancers, male and female 😊
Thanks! Yes. I had a good friend in college who was a dancer, and I learned all of that! I was just thinking of those beginning stages and the way girls are drawn to it.
This is interesting though - I don't think strength being required means something isn't feminine... to me dance (in general) feels more feminine because it's about beauty and creative expression, which feel more feminine energetically? Also in general you don't see men dancing in large groups; it's women who do that;) I also don't think "girly" and "feminine" are necessarily synonyms...
It's definitely interesting because I don't think of dance as feminine, especially when you start exploring the history of dance (war dances, for instance). I'm curious now-- do you think of art (painting, etc) as feminine? Because that also is all about beauty and creative expression.
Thank you for writing this. This post resonated with deep feelings I've had for years on the topic because of my personal history. I wanted to restack with a note but I think I might have to write a full post! Such an important, emotionally complex issue.
When I was first married I was overwhelmed by my wife's attractiveness and femininity. Imagine my surprise when, a few years later, I realized she could do incredibly useful things (ones I couldn't do) and be wearing, as you say, pink frilly dresses or whatever while doing it. When I was young, I could work harder, and can still accomplish things she can't. Sometimes a woman can accomplish more, but usually it's simply different. Usually something that's not so valuable in our social circle.
Who among us hasn’t had a “not like other girls” phase? 🤣
yep except the phase for me was, like, half my life :S
I think this speaks to something though, right? Why are we so eager to say we're not like other girls? I think this especially happens for smart women.
Real. Also, I’m not like other girls. I’m worse.
🤣🤣
Guilty as charged
I never rejected femininity (I’ve always like pretty clothes and dancing and crafts) but I remember having a vague idea that it was better to raise girls more “gender neutral.” Similar to your experience, that mostly went by the wayside once I had real daughters. Both of mine were about 18 months when they developed opinions about what they liked to wear. I tease them that I am going to dress them up like I did my dollies, but it’s funny exactly because they have exactly none of it. They went through the nothing-but-pink-and-princesses stage and out the other end of it, no harm done.
The other thing that motherhood does is put things in perspective. Little girls loving pink tulle and tea parties is not a serious social issue, full stop.
Not that I’m entirely sanguine about the modeling of social roles. I think commercial toys and electronic games and their marketing can take femininity to an absurd extreme. If it’s not harmful it’s at best ridiculous. I hope I am providing enough opportunity for the girls to experience that messiness of real life, not some rarified vision of it put out to market toys or entertainment.
I clearly remember my husband giving his sister a hard time when she was telling us that our 2yo niece had strong preferences about what to wear. He has eaten major crow on that as ALL THREE of our girls became opinionated about their clothing at that age as well lolll.
Yes, re: perspective. Motherhood (especially multiple young kids) is so grounded in reality that there's not a lot of time for ideological fanfare. Re: modeling of social roles, yes of course. I don't know much about marketing of those things but I can imagine. However I will say that I personally am so tired of the prescriptiveness in the other direction that I'm all about opportunities for my girls to be in the world in stereotypically feminine ways! I'd never push them in any direction but I'm so tired of the "girls can do anything boys can do!" mentality
I feel the same… I used to be such a tomboy and hated “girly” things. I dstill don’t have much use for stereotypical girly-girl/hyperfeminine accoutrements (hot pink things especially, ew) but I do love real feminine things, like a nicely tailored dress or a good recipe exchange or spending a bit more time on my appearance. I like to think that I have broadened my horizons on this subject; it’s confining, really, to think of femininity as somehow lesser. Still not a hot pink girly girl tho 😅
Though maybe, as some have said in the other comments, “feminine” and “girly” are not synonymous
Great post. My little Clara just loves pink and pur-purl and anything sparkly. I used to think I won't be taken seriously if I did too but now I DON'T CARE. She can like whatever she likes and so will I ... when I figure out what that exactly is.
YEEEES!! Love this energy from you, friend.
I read this and cried. I felt I could have written it myself - it so resonated with me and my experience of raising two girls and the change motherhood brought to my views on ‘girliness’, the struggle to embrace my own femininity and accept my choice to be a full-time mother and homemaker within a culture that does not value such pursuits. I have converted to Christianity since becoming a mother too (after experiencing two very different and difficult births and some severe postnatal mental/emotional/spiritual health difficulties after the birth of my second daughter) and I sometimes struggle with the absence of ‘the feminine’ within the consciousness and practices of the churches in the UK, where I live. I find your writing a huge encouragement, a blessing and a comfort. Thank you. 🙏
Thank you, Sarah, for reading and for sharing this comment. I'm honored my words are meaningful to you.
I absolutely know what you mean with regard to the absence of the feminine. That is truly a foundational issue in our world and something I want to write more about. I'm curious - what stream of Christianity do you find yourself in? I felt that way before converting to Catholicism. Now, with the veneration of Mary, female saints, a service/faith full of ritual and embodied practices... I don't feel that way anymore.
I love this! And may I also say, as a former professional ballet dancer, dance is not "girly" 🤣 Of course, at the beginning, there's a lot of just twirling & having fun (as it should be!) but dance is a sport as well as an art form and takes an incredible amount of grit and determination to succeed in. The strongest people I've ever known have been ballet dancers, male and female 😊
Thanks! Yes. I had a good friend in college who was a dancer, and I learned all of that! I was just thinking of those beginning stages and the way girls are drawn to it.
This is interesting though - I don't think strength being required means something isn't feminine... to me dance (in general) feels more feminine because it's about beauty and creative expression, which feel more feminine energetically? Also in general you don't see men dancing in large groups; it's women who do that;) I also don't think "girly" and "feminine" are necessarily synonyms...
Such a topic! Thx for weighing in Lauren
It's definitely interesting because I don't think of dance as feminine, especially when you start exploring the history of dance (war dances, for instance). I'm curious now-- do you think of art (painting, etc) as feminine? Because that also is all about beauty and creative expression.
Yeah, very true! It’s tricky! Obviously feminine activities can be engaged in my men and vice versa. Yes I do think of art as feminine!
The next book I’m planning to read here is a classic with regard to “the feminine”—stay tuned! I’m still learning and am open to your ideas!💞
Oh, I'm very intrigued what classic that would be... I'll be staying tuned!
Thank you for writing this. This post resonated with deep feelings I've had for years on the topic because of my personal history. I wanted to restack with a note but I think I might have to write a full post! Such an important, emotionally complex issue.
Please do! Can't wait to read! I agree the issue is complex - as I was writing I was feeling that for sure!
When I was first married I was overwhelmed by my wife's attractiveness and femininity. Imagine my surprise when, a few years later, I realized she could do incredibly useful things (ones I couldn't do) and be wearing, as you say, pink frilly dresses or whatever while doing it. When I was young, I could work harder, and can still accomplish things she can't. Sometimes a woman can accomplish more, but usually it's simply different. Usually something that's not so valuable in our social circle.