I realized I forgot to comment on "cascading care" and the very last section of chapter 4, which was just absolutely beautiful wasn't it? The last paragraph of the chapter was just... wow. "When we serve as a caretaker to others, we are also taking care of our needs." "Loving someone may not change them, but it surely change you." Oof! That's some deep truth.
#3 - One observance from nature that has helped me parent and as a person is the seasons. We have spring with its new growth, summer with its flurry of fun and activities, fall with the harvest and season of gratitude, and then winter with its shorter days and time for rest. God reveals himself in his creation, and if we are made in His image, then we can learn something about ourselves by observing nature, and more specifically, the seasons. We are not meant to be productive or have scheduled activities 100% of the time, despite the hustle culture. The observance of seasons has given me permission to rest, say "no" to different activities **cough, cough, letting my daughter quit dance halfway through**, and accept that there's nothing wrong with my children or me if we're a bit crabby or anxious at times. (A huge part of overcoming postpartum anxiety and depression was just accepting what it was and not seeing myself as broken--I realize this may not be the case or good advice for everyone). I love meditating on the seasons and everything we can learn from them-- the growth, the letting go, the rest and long nights, the pattern among plants and animals, and so much more. It's God revealing Himself and ourselves to us, right in front of our eyes.
Yes!! Me too! I feel like I barely noticed the seasons for a lot of my life, but since becoming a mom and slowing my life down, I've noticed the same: how much we can learn from them about the nature of existence! We're lucky to live in a place where we have all four, huh? :)
#5 - I was so there with my first and even second baby. Now I see that care is waaaay more like an intuitive dance than, like, a manual. This doesn't mean there's no planning or intention; it just means that it's a totally different paradigm from which to approach the work. Someone I know is pregnant with her first baby, and she's eating up the writing of Emily Oster, an economist who talks about parenting. I get it. I devoured Emily's first book, and now she has like four, all analysis of data so modern parents can make "informed" parenting choices. It's just a whole thing, this desire for what exactly to do, what are the "best" ways, etc. Probably a whole forthcoming essay now that I'm thinking about it...
Yes! I think it’s so interesting how much we westerners have lost touch with our attachment instincts/villages, to the point where we feel like we need expert advice on what and how to feed our babies when they start solids. I doubt this was even a question for our ancestors 200+ years ago, because new mothers would have simply just watched other women feeding their babies as they were growing up…all of that is gone (in our culture, anyway) now and we look to people like Oster to reassure us. I really get that, because when it comes to feeding my kids I have intentionally done things VERY differently than my mom did. But I’m trying to tap into something much more instinctual and attachment-driven than “evidence based,” which is why I think this book is so encouraging.
#6 - The thing that matters for the benefits of "the family meal" is that the gatherer/caretaker believes that connection matters. Basically, that there's a focus on relationship. I have interesting experiences to share here... growing up, my family ate meals together, but from my perspective it always felt somewhat forced, and I didn't actually feel good while at the table. This might be slightly harsh/inaccurate, but I think felt like I was being coerced into physical closeness with people I didn't feel emotionally close to. My husband's family, on the other hand, didn't always eat together (mostly because there were too many of them) but there was/is more emotional closeness in his family, I'd say, even to this day. You always hear about how important it is to SIT DOWN TOGETHER TO EAT. This nuance makes so much sense to me - yes it's important, but what's even more important is that you prioritize genuine relationship and connection among your family members (and then, from there yes, you gather to eat regularly).
Amber, I totally connect with the forced family dinner thing. Everyone was there, because otherwise we wouldn’t eat, but it was far from being a time of connection. What I remember most was rushing to eat as fast as I could, my mom never eating the same thing we were (due to her eating disorder, she often just ate salad and lean chicken while we ate heartier fare), and my siblings and me fighting. There was a lot of discord in my family, even though to the outside world we seemed like the Perfect Catholic Family…the truth was that we were fine so long as we were all sequestered in our own rooms or doing our own activities. Being together at meals just highlighted the lack of connectedness and my mom’s discomfort with food.
I realized I forgot to comment on "cascading care" and the very last section of chapter 4, which was just absolutely beautiful wasn't it? The last paragraph of the chapter was just... wow. "When we serve as a caretaker to others, we are also taking care of our needs." "Loving someone may not change them, but it surely change you." Oof! That's some deep truth.
#3 - One observance from nature that has helped me parent and as a person is the seasons. We have spring with its new growth, summer with its flurry of fun and activities, fall with the harvest and season of gratitude, and then winter with its shorter days and time for rest. God reveals himself in his creation, and if we are made in His image, then we can learn something about ourselves by observing nature, and more specifically, the seasons. We are not meant to be productive or have scheduled activities 100% of the time, despite the hustle culture. The observance of seasons has given me permission to rest, say "no" to different activities **cough, cough, letting my daughter quit dance halfway through**, and accept that there's nothing wrong with my children or me if we're a bit crabby or anxious at times. (A huge part of overcoming postpartum anxiety and depression was just accepting what it was and not seeing myself as broken--I realize this may not be the case or good advice for everyone). I love meditating on the seasons and everything we can learn from them-- the growth, the letting go, the rest and long nights, the pattern among plants and animals, and so much more. It's God revealing Himself and ourselves to us, right in front of our eyes.
Yes!! Me too! I feel like I barely noticed the seasons for a lot of my life, but since becoming a mom and slowing my life down, I've noticed the same: how much we can learn from them about the nature of existence! We're lucky to live in a place where we have all four, huh? :)
#5 - I was so there with my first and even second baby. Now I see that care is waaaay more like an intuitive dance than, like, a manual. This doesn't mean there's no planning or intention; it just means that it's a totally different paradigm from which to approach the work. Someone I know is pregnant with her first baby, and she's eating up the writing of Emily Oster, an economist who talks about parenting. I get it. I devoured Emily's first book, and now she has like four, all analysis of data so modern parents can make "informed" parenting choices. It's just a whole thing, this desire for what exactly to do, what are the "best" ways, etc. Probably a whole forthcoming essay now that I'm thinking about it...
Yes! I think it’s so interesting how much we westerners have lost touch with our attachment instincts/villages, to the point where we feel like we need expert advice on what and how to feed our babies when they start solids. I doubt this was even a question for our ancestors 200+ years ago, because new mothers would have simply just watched other women feeding their babies as they were growing up…all of that is gone (in our culture, anyway) now and we look to people like Oster to reassure us. I really get that, because when it comes to feeding my kids I have intentionally done things VERY differently than my mom did. But I’m trying to tap into something much more instinctual and attachment-driven than “evidence based,” which is why I think this book is so encouraging.
#6 - The thing that matters for the benefits of "the family meal" is that the gatherer/caretaker believes that connection matters. Basically, that there's a focus on relationship. I have interesting experiences to share here... growing up, my family ate meals together, but from my perspective it always felt somewhat forced, and I didn't actually feel good while at the table. This might be slightly harsh/inaccurate, but I think felt like I was being coerced into physical closeness with people I didn't feel emotionally close to. My husband's family, on the other hand, didn't always eat together (mostly because there were too many of them) but there was/is more emotional closeness in his family, I'd say, even to this day. You always hear about how important it is to SIT DOWN TOGETHER TO EAT. This nuance makes so much sense to me - yes it's important, but what's even more important is that you prioritize genuine relationship and connection among your family members (and then, from there yes, you gather to eat regularly).
Amber, I totally connect with the forced family dinner thing. Everyone was there, because otherwise we wouldn’t eat, but it was far from being a time of connection. What I remember most was rushing to eat as fast as I could, my mom never eating the same thing we were (due to her eating disorder, she often just ate salad and lean chicken while we ate heartier fare), and my siblings and me fighting. There was a lot of discord in my family, even though to the outside world we seemed like the Perfect Catholic Family…the truth was that we were fine so long as we were all sequestered in our own rooms or doing our own activities. Being together at meals just highlighted the lack of connectedness and my mom’s discomfort with food.