Book Club: Hold On to Your Kids Ch. 14-16
Your motivation to finish this book if you haven't yet!
Finally, we've reached the most practical part of our book club book. We’re mostly done now with theory and child development education and cultural analysis and we’re onto OK BUT LIKE WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE.
We are so impatient as modern humans, aren’t we? But also, we are mindful parents with young humans in our care—a massive responsibility—so it makes perfect sense to be hungry for the practical.
Let’s dig in!
Chapter 14: Collecting Our Children
Collecting is the authors’ term for connecting/reconnecting with our kids. I love this definition they give: “drawing them under our wing, making them want to belong to us and with us.”
This is something we need to do regularly, not just here and there. They write: “To compensate for the cultural chaos of our times, we need to make a habit of collecting our children daily and repeatedly.”
The four steps to collect our children, from infancy through adolescence.
Get in the child’s face—or space—in a friendly way.
Provide something for the child to hold on to.
Invite dependence.
Act as the child’s compass point.
These four points are gorgeous and I could reread them until the end of time. I’m curious which of them resonated most with you.
The entire rest of this chapter was dedicated to providing guidance for parents of children who are already peer-oriented, whether young or teenage. “We need to come at the task of collecting our children with an air of confidence and not let ourselves be put off or distracted from our mission. The more defiant and ‘impossible to be around’ children are, the greater their need to be reclaimed,” they write. I love how much of the rest of the chapter made the point, in different ways, that the more a child is struggling with behavior, attitude, etc., the greater the need is to focus on building/re-building the parent/child relationship. Unfortunately, when kids are challenging, the things we want to resort to are the things they least need (and the things they most need are the things that are hardest to provide them). I can absolutely attest to the truth of this.
One last thing that came up for me in this chapter is how much I love that both authors share such personal stories about their own parenting situations and struggles. Could a book have more humility and groundedness and integrity? Sheesh. I just love these guys.
Chapter 15: Preserve the Ties That Empower
“The relationship between child and parent is sacred,” this chapter begins. Ch. 15 is all about how to keep attachment strong and lasting.
I don’t know about you, but I have SO MUCH underlined in this chapter. Tons of very specific and practical thoughts on how to develop and maintain your connection with your child. One of my favorite parts:
“Today’s parents need to take matters into their own hands to create a working miniculture of their own. We need some rites of attachment to safeguard the sacred. The structures that facilitate the parent-child relationship are key: family holidays, family celebrations, family games, family activities. Unless a time and place is set aside and rituals are created, pressures that are more urgent will inevitably prevail.”
This strikes me as hitting on something fundamental for modern parents to understand. A mentor-mother figure of mine said something similar to me recently. She wrote (via text): “There seems to be a mantra of ‘just too busy.’ Honestly, that’s the big thing my heart desires for all families: a deep dive at reordering and prioritizing true family at home time. I hoped the pandemic would help with that, but I see most families are running/sprinting, leaving little to no time for the most important things as families…enjoying each other, meals together, church, etc.”
I replied with broken heart emojis, because I agree. I see the same. And I see us slipping into it too, so easily, because it’s just the normal pace of modern life.
“The relationship between child and parent is sacred.”
This is another quote that struck me as I read it in the midst of an extended family trip:
“It is an indication of how peer crazy we have become that even the family holiday has succumbed to the idea that children belong with children and adults with adults, or that holidays are to enable parents to get a break from their kids. The more breaks we take, the less attached children are to us. (The irony is that they become more difficult to parent—and therefore the more breaks we need from them!)”
At one point on our vacation, we were having lunch in the coffeeshop of the children’s museum1 we had been at most of the morning and trying to decide what to do for the rest of the day. Ryan and my SIL were taking the littles back to the Air B&B to nap. Most of the adults were going off to do different things. I had the choice to go browse a local outlet mall with my brothers (something I really wanted to do as a) I never shop without kids anymore, and b) I’d have loved the sibling time), or stay at the museum, as my two big girls (ages 5 and 7) wanted to keep exploring. My dad offered to stay with them so I could go with my brothers. It was a super hard moment; I felt pulled in two directions. I gathered my big girls in a corner to get their thoughts, and they said they wanted me to stay with them (and Papa, too). I dug into my parent intuition, and despite my burning desire for some adult time, I chose to stay. It felt right, and I knew I wouldn’t regret it.
I don’t share this to argue that alone time for parents is selfish or wrong. As an introvert, I absolutely need time away from the constant noise and interaction that is being with my kids. However, I’m in agreement with this book that we need to be mindful of our choices in a culture that prizes “independence” for kids and “self-care” for adults and disregards and devalues the work of parenting. Parenting requires self-sacrifice, and this isn’t cringe; it just is what it is.
This chapter also reminded me of what I was saying a few posts ago about how parenting thoughtfully can be a lonely road, and/or a road where you ask yourself, am I crazy/am I being overprotective/etc. This quote felt like a healing balm:
“As parents, we need a lot of confidence to stand against the prevailing current, to impose limits on peer interaction and to set structures to preserve our children’s attachments to us. It helps to have some conceptual support for your own parental intuition—and this book is meant to provide that—but it still requires courage to go against the flow.”
Mmm. Indeed.
Chapter 16: Discipline That Does Not Divide
A powerful quote from the opening of this chapter: “In our quick-fix culture with its focus on short-term results, the be-all and the end-all is the behavior itself. If we gain compliance, even if only temporarily, we deem the method successful.”
So very true.
Children need discipline, of course. I feel like our general consciousness is such that people think there are two options: being super strict and harsh with your kids, or being totally lax or lazy in this area.2 This is not at all true. They write: “There is no question that children require discipline. (But w)e need to ensure we discipline in ways that do not damage the relationship, trigger crippling emotional defense, or foster peer orientation.”
The book goes on to outline seven principles of natural discipline. (“By natural, I mean developmentally safe and attachment-friendly—that is respectful of both the parent-child relationship and the child’s long-term maturation.”)
Use connection, not separation, to bring a child into line.
When problems occur, work the relationship, not the incident.
When things aren’t working for the child, draw out the tears instead of trying to teach a lesson. (SO GOOD)
Solicit good intentions instead of demanding good behavior.
Draw out mixed feelings instead of trying to stop impulsive behavior.
When dealing with an impulsive child, try scripting the desired behavior instead of demanding maturity.
When unable to change the child, try changing the child’s world.
(I’m curious which of these resonated most for you.)
Also, this:
“These seven principles of natural discipline could just as well be entitled seven disciplines for parents. Our ability to manage a child effectively is very much an outcome of our capacity to manage ourselves.”
Absolutely. Parenting well requires that we heal and grow ourselves.
The last two sections and the next book!
This book is kind of a lot, isn’t it? Maybe you can see now why I wanted to re-read it in community. It’s definitely a book to read and then go back to time and time again.
Part Five is next: Preventing Peer Orientation. Just two chapters in this section, “Don’t Court the Competition” and “Re-create the Attachment Village.” This is the original end of the book; the last section (on technology) was added later.
Finish the book at your leisure. I’m not holding myself to a schedule for posting about these last two sections, as this month is insane3, but we’re almost done with this incredible book! I’m already thinking about our next book and considering what I’ve learned from this first go-around. Look out for a post to weigh in on our next read as well as varying options for how we can do this book club thing together in the future!
I hope you’re well and warm.
The Luminarium in Omaha, NE, a fairly new place. Amazing.
My very opinionated post on this topic is a long-time coming. There is a vast middle ground in between authoritarian parenting and giving in to our children’s every whim and desire.
Among other things, I’m helping host a local women’s event I’m so excited about, and I’m preparing my ELL kiddos for their annual standardized testing which begins soon!
Thank you for this post! Though this is my first time reading this post and the book, your post has found me at just the right time. I’ve heard about attachment for a while now but this is my first deep dive into it. Although I get a lot of it, inviting dependency from the child is hard for me to buy into. It feels so much in contrast with the Montessori philosophy- particularly that children crave independence and want to participate in the world- that I have been assimilating these last few years. Anyway, I know not every method is meant for every person but I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on if/how these two philosophies work together.
Building a family culture is so important. I think it's very much missing in our culture. My husband is from the Middle East and has repeated said "Our family does this" or "Our family *doesn't* do this," and I think that's a great way to establish the norms for one's family unit. Also, I didn't read this book, but I cheated and read a summary. 😆