Announcing: our next book club read
If you’re at all in charge of feeding small people, this is a book for you!
Feeding someone has always been our universal language for love.
Deborah MacNamara, PhD
Despite what those who know me now in my eight-years-into-motherhood homemaking era might think, I’m someone who didn’t know how to cook for a long time. Nor was I that interested in it. I got take-out all the time in late college, and even when I was single and working, I still cooked very minimally.
When I got married at age 29, I started to learn. When I had kids and was home with them, I started to be more interested. I’ve improved over time, and now, I’m the kind of person who loves cooking from scratch, trading techniques, sharing recipes, etc.
Where I am now is a big shift from where I used to be. In fact, I had almost an outright disdain for traditional “women’s work” for many years.1 I specifically remember a time when I was home from college and my mom was copying a recipe from a friend into her recipe book. I was standing in the kitchen watching her, and I said something like “If I ever get this excited about a recipe, you can just shoot me right there.”
(Wow. Mom, if you’re reading, I’m officially sorry. Also, does anyone else look back on their younger self sometimes with so much cringe? I hope it’s not just me.)
I think there are several reasons why it took me so long to take to cooking, but one of them is just our societal mentality in the U.S. about food.
Generally speaking, we simply do not have a strong culture around food as a meaningful part of life, unless we’re talking restaurants or special occasions. Regular, daily eating (aka, cooking and eating at home) is seen more as something we have to do—because ugh I guess we live in bodies that need food—before we can get back to real living: our work, our entertainment, our social lives.
A local grocery store has an ad that plays on their speaker recommending their grocery pickup service. I’ve heard it several times and it illustrates this perfectly: the ad calls grocery shopping “one of life’s biggest hassles.” I remember thinking the first time I heard it, that’s it right there. That’s our cultural mentality.
There are other places in the world where eating is experienced as something meaningful, where it’s a delight to slowly and deliberately choose food to purchase and then prepare it, especially if you’re cooking for/together with others. Here, one of life’s biggest hassles. We just don’t value eating as it could or should be valued, and I very much had (have?) that mentality. I guess I have to eat something quick, but then I’m off to other more interesting, meaningful things.
One thing I’ve come to understand as I’ve become a parent and attempted the work of homemaking over the last several years is that food preparation is sacred work. We are choosing food to nourish our bodies. We are cooking it with love and intention. And ideally we are in each other’s presence as we share and consume it. There’s something about it all that’s very beautiful and special, and the fact that it’s held in such low esteem speaks volumes about our culture’s values.
I’ve also personally felt the joy and meaning of it. As a wife and mother, I’ve experienced the deep satisfaction of preparing food for the people I love. I find it deeply fulfilling.
But… that doesn’t mean I’m great at it.
I’ve learned to cook and I’m a pretty decent cook at this point. I also value it and see it as important, meaningful work. However, one can know things, but truly integrating them into your life is often a whole other endeavor.
Undoubtedly, one of the weakest parts of my motherhood has been feeding my kids. Although I’ve worked hard to try to feed my kids healthy food, the way in which we eat has been generally… not great. Mom friends have been horrified as I’ve described what it has typically looked like over the years: getting them food, puttering around the kitchen while they eat (and let’s be honest getting them things), and then eating at some point later when the chaos is over. Same at dinner for most nights: feed the kids, and then my husband and I eat later.
(I also am not proud to admit that I haven’t usually fed my family—or myself even—with a spirit of love, but much more often in a spirit of “let’s get this God-forsaken task that for some reason has to happen 5 times a day every day OVER WITH.”)
In addition to being influenced by the dominant cultural mentality, I think our patterns of eating have had a lot to do with the fact that I get easily overwhelmed, and so does my husband.2 If you have young kids you know just how 5pm feels. You’re hungry, and while you’re hungry you’re juggling the preparation of food and the care of kids (who are also hungry). Then there’s getting everyone to the table (with hands washed) while the food is still hot. Then, of course, comes the “Ewww! I’m not eating that!”
It’s just… kind of a lot.
I’m not proud of this aspect of my life (nor am I ashamed, as I’ve done my best and I’m great at other aspects of parenting). But what I am is determined to get better, especially since I’m homeschooling next year and will therefore be cooking for my kids for all meals again just like when they were little.
For a while now I’ve been working on really valuing what I’m doing when I’m preparing food for my family, which doesn’t mean valuing it in some sort of cerebral way but in a way where my belief is embodied, which means doing it with a joyful spirit. We have also been working on sitting down and eating together at dinner.
It’s been going well, but I want to keep up the momentum…
So with that, I give you our next book club book!
I know I said I was going to let people vote for our next book club read, but… I changed my mind. This is the book I need to read this summer, and I want to read it in community! I think it’s a book that will feel supportive and meaningful to lots of you, too.
It’s called Nourished: Connection, Food, and Caring for Our Kids (and everyone else we love). The author is Deborah MacNamara, whose work I was only recently introduced to. I learned about her in conversation with another mom about our last book club read. (Deborah trained at the Neufeld Institute, founded by Gordon Neufeld, author of Hold On to Your Kids3).
Her first book is called Rest, Play, Grow, which draws on the ideas in Hold On to Your Kids but is specifically about younger kids.4 Nourished is her second book, published just last year. It’s about the deep connection between food and care.
Food is central to connection and we’ve forgotten that. In the rush of modern life, so many of us parents are not prioritizing meal time as the sacred time that it is and has always been. Or—on the other end of the spectrum—we’re obsessing over the food itself (crunchy ppl I’m calling us out) or the way our kids are or are not engaging with it. Either way, we’re missing food preparation and consumption for what it really is: a deep, consistent way to nourish our relationships with our children.
Feeding our families is about relationship and emotional well-being.
Deborah MacNamara
We’ll be reading this over the summer. And—I almost forgot to mention—Deborah has agreed to join anyone who’s been reading along for a call when we’re finished!
Here’s the plan:
Now through May 24 - get book and read foreword, introduction, and Ch. 1
There are ten chapters, and we’ll read one each week, with a 2-week break halfway through at the end of June. I’ll share a post here for each chapter.
We’ll finish up the book in early August, and then sometime in August we’ll gather on Zoom for a conversation with Dr. MacNamara! You can bring all your thoughts and questions, or you can just listen in. :)
Do you want the culture of food to shift for the better in your household? Do you want to improve the relationships in your family? Do you want to read a book that will support you with both of those things?
If so, join us in reading Nourished.
Are you in? If so, go ahead and order the book (or check it out from the library). Make sure you’re subscribed so you’ll get the posts with discussion questions5 for each chapter!
I can’t think of a better portal into the arena of parenting than the topic of food, or a better way to master the basic dance steps of parenting than through the act of feeding. After reading this groundbreaking work, it will be impossible for you to ever view food as just food again.
Gordon Neufeld
In another life I could see us as childless university professors, discussing ideas all day and all night, including during our calm, child-free mealtimes. Lol. Honestly, I just liked to cook a lot more when life didn’t feel so insane and I could focus, and also when I could cook delicious things that we both liked and didn’t have to worry about it being too “weird” or “spicy.”
You can find her website here. Her tagline for her work is “Developmental scinece translated into practical love.” So good!
I haven’t read this but feel totally comfortable recommending it as a wonderful resource for parents who realize that the parent-child relationship is central to parenting well.
The book has discussion questions in the back!
Ordering now! Sounds like my journey has had many parallels to yours. We are starting our homeschool adventure this year, and cooking at home has been such a struggle! Looking forward to learning from this book :D
This look really great, and I echo basically everything in here from my own experience. :') Food is such a struggle in more ways than one.