When I think about never breastfeeding again, it breaks my freaking heart.
I exclusively breastfed all three of my babies. (I hated pumping so I rarely did it.) I didn’t do extended breastfeeding, though; I quit around a 1-1.5 years, following my child’s lead with two babies and forcing weaning with one. (The way I see it, breastfeeding is a relationship, and if it’s not working for the mom anymore, it’s not working.) But I loved it. I fought for it—it was hard at first—and I’m so glad I did. It was incredibly beautiful and meaningful for me, and I will write more about all that someday.
For now, I’m in the mood to bring the sass. As if I haven’t seen enough bad journalism recently, a friend sent me this Opinion piece from The New York Times yesterday, which disparages birth and breastfeeding with both subtle and overt lies.
Today is the first day of World Breastfeeding Week. As much as I’d like to take apart that piece sentence by sentence (and maybe I will), for now I’d like to discuss some ideas I’ve seen over the years in the cultural breastfeeding discourse. In honor of women and breastfeeding mothers everywhere, let’s call out some bullsh*t.
Lie #1: “Not all women can breastfeed.”
This is something I see said a lot, that “not all women can breastfeed.” While this may be very technically true, mostly it isn’t. What is much more true is that women don’t have good support to be able to breastfeed, and so they think they can’t/couldn’t. This idea also promotes the distrust many already women have in their bodies to do what they were quite literally designed to do.
I realized recently that this line of logic is the same one that exists with birth. Women who have intervention-free, physiological births—especially when they do it at home—are seen as lucky. Stories of “My baby would have died without…” inevitably arise in comments sections of women sharing their birth stories. Not all women can have births like that! The defensiveness that exists around breastfeeding is exactly the same. Not all women can breastfeed!
Again while both statements are technically true, they are misleading. The reality of the industrial birth complex is what causes many problems to begin with (and then it “solves” them). The mindsets and protocols of providers in the hospital are based on convenience, money, and control. Women’s bodies can very often give birth without issue—they were made to do it and often simply need a supportive environment—but our culture has managed to convince women otherwise. It’s not that some women can’t give birth without intervention; it’s simply that, for the most part, birth is a natural, biological process is sabotaged by the system.
And so it goes with breastfeeding. The vast majority of women can breastfeed, but we have context that isn’t supportive of it. Moms are bombarded with formula samples from the hospital and also in their mailbox from baby registries that sell their information to formula companies. Birth experiences are often less than optimal so a traumatized mom is trying to learn an often-challenging-at-first skill (as new skills are) as she recovers from a difficult experience. The postpartum time is not revered as it should be, whether we’re talking lack of paid maternity leave or just understanding that mothers deserve to be tended to as they recover and bond with (and feed) their babies. We are extremely disembodied as a culture in general, so women feel uncomfortable with the idea of it. It’s not the norm so moms don't feel confident about it or feel embarrassed to do it in public (and therefore fewer women in general feel like it’s good or normal). There’s messaging that it's bad for mental health, career, and sleep and messaging that moms who breastfeed are those cringe-y moms who, like, lose themselves in motherhood.
The truth is that many women have the experience of not being able to breastfeed because there’s a major lack of encouragement and knowledge and normalization and allll the things that would support a woman to breastfeed.
There are, of course, exceptions where a woman truly can’t birth a baby safely without medical intervention or breastfeed well enough—but those situations are much rarer than we are led to believe. Women’s bodies are amazing. We just need to stop devaluing and sabotaging the sacred and physiological processes of motherhood.
Lie #2: Breastfeeding advocates / breastfeeding mothers judge moms who use formula.
Ahhh, the judgy breastfeeding moms. This is such a tired trope. It’s also a great example of something I talked about in a former essay, something I’ve both observed and personally experienced: the tendency to feel judged when something in our life is out of alignment.
Many women—professionals like midwives and lactation consultants and also just average breastfeeding mothers—are passionate about breastfeeding. But to say they’re “judgy” is mostly misunderstanding of the passion. Breastfeeding advocates don’t hate women who aren’t breastfeeding: they hate the systems that make it hard for women to breastfeed. They’ve felt the power and beauty of it and are pissed that other women aren’t supported to do it. Perhaps some do identify with it too much, or see it as a point of pride and therefore give judgy energy, but overall, breastfeeding advocates have the interests of babies and women in mind.
Again there are parallels here with birth. There’s an idea that moms who have a “natural birth” judge moms who, for example, have c-sections. Again, not really what’s happening. Women passionate about birth are talking about the topic because they think all women deserve to have a good experience and they see the hot garbage pile that is the typical hospital birth experience for what it is, compared to what a birthing woman needs and deserves. They don’t want women to go through unnecessary pain (physical or emotional), and they want women to have access to the incredible power birth holds.
The “judgy breastfeeding moms” also feeds into the creation of a (false) dichotomy. The breastfeeding moms vs. the formula-feeding moms! (A certain formula company has even used the term “feeding wars.”) Hey, sounds another this-or-that, us-vs.-them framework!
EYEROLL. It’s not a thing. Have you ever actually met a woman interested in bringing another woman who has made different choices than her down? Sure, there sometimes can be jealousy and other weird vibes (whole other topic), but overall, mothers don’t judge other mothers. Furthermore, mothers, like all humans, live complex lives filled with complex choices. We aren’t stereotypes. These dichotomies — this group over here is really defined and different from and against this other group over here — are narratives, and they’re created by media and/or groups that have something to gain by promoting a story of one group versus another.
Lie #3: All breastfeeding support is actual/good support.
I’m never out to push a simple picture of reality: I can absolutely acknowledge that it’s possible for individuals or institutions who support breastfeeding to be in the wrong. I do think breastfeeding support can be bad, and I think we need to be honest about that and sensitive to women who’ve experienced it.
A woman shared with me once in Instagram DMs about the breastfeeding “support” she got as a new mother. It was pushy, shaming, and absolutely not respectful. The women that were supposed to be supporting her were not listening to her at all, and instead were advocating breastfeeding at all costs (and wow, was she experiencing costs). Unfortunately, this can happen, and it’s not right. As in birth, a breastfeeding woman needs to be listened to and respected; her thoughts, feelings, sensations, etc. centered and taken seriously. It's not okay for any professional to disregard or belittle what she is saying about her experience.
This woman also shared that she gave birth at a “baby-friendly hospital” and that it was “a joke.” The goal of this designation (“baby-friendly”) a hospital can adopt, in theory, is to support breastfeeding. What can happen in practice is that mothers feel pressured to breastfeed and overwhelmed by there not being an option for the baby go to the nursery as they attempt to recover from birth (which has often been full of interventions, often traumatic and always very tiring).
I can verify the truth of her experience personally: I had my first daughter in a “baby-friendly” hospital, and the breastfeeding support was… not great. Among other things, I clearly remember calling to request to see the lactation consultant again, and the response I got was “Oh, weeeell, it looks like she’s already seen you,” and a vibe that that was the end of the conversation. That’s not support; that’s a box to be checked.
I also used a nipple shield for a few weeks with all three of my babies. The La Leche books and lactation professionals in general warn against using these contraptions, but they were honestly so helpful for me. (I’ll spare you the details but if you’re a breastfeeding mom and want them, just reach out.) With this last baby, a homebirth, I so badly wanted to not use one again. I ended up needing it, and my midwife said, “Do what works for you. And you’ll be a great example for women that shields can be helpful.” (As opposed to being super risky or damaging to breastfeeding success, as the majority of lactation professionals would warn.)
Lactation support can be shitty. People who advocate for breastfeeding should be honest about this and not pretend that just because a person or an institution is pro-breastfeeding, that they’re doing a good job at actually supporting women.
Lie #4: “Fed is best.”
Ah, fed is best, the line that all the smart, enlightened women use to feel ok about not breastfeeding. “Fed is best” is a mantra meant to counter the phrase “breast is best.” I’m all about moms feeling good. The thing is, the phrase isn’t really saying anything (yes, we should be feeding our babies?), and on top of that, it’s taking away attention and minimizing a very real problem: low breastfeeding rates worldwide (the reason why “breast is best” became a thing).
The writers at Radical Moms Union once compared “fed is best” to “all lives matter,” a brilliant observation (the specifics of all the BLM stuff aside). It’s like, yes, duh. That means basically nothing, and more importantly, it’s detracting from an issue worthy of our attention and consideration.
The phrase is also condescending—don’t worry mama, as long as you’re feeding your baby you’re doing great. Moms know better. Breastfeeding grief is very real. Moms need support and respect as they attempt to breastfeed, and then, if breastfeeding doesn’t work out the way they wanted, they need space to feel their feelings, not a pat on the head in the form of “fed is best.”
I also find it interesting that “fed is best” seems to be the feminist rally cry related to breastfeeding. You’d think that feminism, being a movement for women, would adamantly support breastfeeding: would be fighting for women to have support, to breastfeed in public, to have good spaces to pump at work, etc.
Fed is best doesn’t support breastfeeding. You can’t say out of one side of your mouth “It doesn’t matter how you feed your baby” and out of the other side things like “We need better workplace policies for breastfeeding moms!” That is logically inconsistent. If breastfeeding doesn’t matter, why do we need better policy for breastfeeding moms? They can just switch to formula when they go back to work, right? Either breastfeeding is optimal or it isn’t. You can’t promote a vibe of “fed is best” while also fighting for the rights of breastfeeding mothers. Pick a lane on breastfeeding, feminism.
Breastfeeding is best, and when it can’t happen for whatever reason, a mother needs to be supported in her grief about that (or in her conscious choice to use formula for reasons that are her own). Let’s not pretend that fed is best supports women.
Lie #5: What we need is policy change
Speaking of feminist rhetoric about paid leave and pumping policies etc., I disagree that policy change is what we need to better support mothers. We need so much more than that.
First, we need cultural change. Policies and other formal “support” don’t matter much if breastfeeding isn’t normalized and supported in the culture. And we have a loooong way to go there. There’s sometimes talk of “normalizing formula” and although there might be something to that, it makes me think: do people think breastfeeding is normalized? Because… it’s not. The majority of breastfeeding women still feel nervous or uncomfortable to feed their babies in public. Unsupportive looks and comments are common. Compare this to countries where, say, pictures of topless women snuggling their babies hang in living rooms1.
Breastfeeding is far from normalized in the U.S., if what we mean by normalized is that it’s normal to see. Women freely and happily breastfeeding will do so much more to increase breastfeeding rates than, say, paid leave. Women are highly influenced by one another. When more women breastfeed, more women will breastfeed.
In addition to #normalizebreastfeeding, you know what else we need? Women on the ground helping women. Like, literally.
What supported me the most when I was struggling a bit with my first baby was not rhetoric or policy: it was a friend, a breastfeeding mother herself, coming over and sitting on the couch beside me. She listened to me and looked at the latch. She gave me small, practical ideas based on what I’d told her I was experiencing. She brought me small, thoughtful gifts and generally loved on and encouraged me in the vulnerable state I was in. I get emotional thinking about how much her support meant to me and how much of an impact it had on my breastfeeding experience.
No matter what the loud voices say, it’s not better policies or systems or structures we most need to support breastfeeding mothers—it’s culture change and woman-to-woman relationships.
Mothers need and deserve support, respect, and dignity—in birth, in breastfeeding, and in motherhood in general. There will be issues with birth and breastfeeding sometimes, and in those situations, too, there should be support and respect and dignity—and grieving and healing as it’s needed.
But for goodness’ sake, let’s have more reverence for nature’s design. Breastfeeding is the biological norm. It’s not about judgment; it’s about honoring women’s bodies and women’s work.
I’m not breastfeeding anymore, but I won’t ever stop calling out the bullsh*t I see that doesn’t actually support mothers.
I may have gotten a little long-winded here; forgive me. What do you connect with? What are you like HELL YES to and where do you think I might have missed the mark? International friends, what is the discourse like where you are? Would love to hear from you, always.
A real thing. Can’t remember what country (one in Scandanavia, I think) but someone I know who lived there told me it’s common for breastfeeding-centric photos to hang in living rooms of homes. Beautiful.
Thank you all for these comments💞 It takes a lot to get a post published and I have to focus on my kiddos now for a while. I hate waiting to reply but alas this the life of a mother/writer!
It just gets tiresome to constantly hear that your circumstances are outside of the ideal. I think it produces a natural defensiveness (which I know you’ve talked about), but I also think people lack sensitivity in bringing up these things in conversation. If you asked me point blank the best way to give birth and feed a baby, I would say natural birth and breastfeeding. But my reality is 4 c-sections and a lot of formula. I think it’s reasonable that a couple experiencing infertility may not want to hear advice from the couple that effortlessly conceives by blinking at each other. Or the mom who is getting divorced for the well-being of her kids doesn’t need a book about the negative consequences of divorce! I know I get that way about birth conversations!! I don’t know what the answer is because I certainly believe in advocating for good things but we also live in a broken world. Sometimes it feels like people’s zeal for good things trumps compassion for the person in front of them.