Hello! I posted a new schedule for book club on the Chat and on Instagram, but I’m going to post it here as well. I decided we need to speed this up a bit if we want to be done with the book before the end of the year!
Attention subscribers who are participating in our first book club with the book Hold On to Your Kids! I sat down and looked at this and here’s the revised schedule to get this book read and digested before the end of 2023!😄Bigger chunks of reading at a time and less frequent posts for discussion.
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Aim to get Chapter 3 read by the end of the weekend.
Monday, Oct. 16 — post published on Chapters 2 and 3. (Day late — sorry)
📖 2 weeks to discuss Chapters 2/3 and read Part 2 (Chapters 4-7)
Friday, Oct. 27 — post published on Part 2.
📖 2 weeks to discuss Part 2 and read Part 3. (Chapters 8-13. This is the longest chunk of reading)
Friday, Nov. 10 — post published on Part 3.
📖 2 weeks to discuss Part 3 and read Part 4 (Chapters 14-16)
Friday, Nov. 24 — post published on Part 4.
📖 2 weeks to discuss Part 4 and read Part 5 (Chapters 17-18)
Friday, Dec. 8 — post published on Part 5.
📖 2 weeks to discuss Part 5 and read Part 6 (Chapters 19-20)
Dec. 22 — post published on Part 6.
‘Til the end of the year/as long as we want: discuss Part 6 / the book as a whole🥳
There you go! We’ll finish just in time for the new year. Okay, onto the rest of part 1 (Chapters 2/3). I share some spicier thoughts here and would love to know what you think!
Chapter 2 is entitled Skewed Attachments, Subverted Instincts. This chapter was mostly about what attachment is and how it functions.
Some of my thoughts:
I loved the description of attachment as “invisible yet fundamental to our existence.” There’s so much in life that’s like that, isn’t there? (See this post.)
When taking in their point that the only reason we need to learn about attachment (be conscious of it was their language) is because something has gone wrong, it made me think about birth. In the past, we could trust these things to mostly just function like they’re meant to. Birth, like attachment, just is. The only reason I strongly believe women should up-and-down educate themselves about birth is because things have gone very wrong on a societal level. Just an interesting parallel!
On page 19 when they were talking about disorientation, a feeling of what’s happening/who am I/what does it all mean and no one to guide you to answers to these questions, I thought: that is exactly how I felt in the first several years of motherhood. They write that finding nothing or no one to orient ourselves by is intolerable to our brains. And again I thought yep, that tracks! There might be a whole essay idea here…
Reading about the different ways of attaching was interesting, and it made me sad as I read the last few—the more sophisticated ones (feeling and being known)—and their statements that so many of us can’t get there with relationships with other people, because we didn’t get there with our caregivers growing up. I feel like a lack of sensitive, attuned care for small children (0-3) is the biggest problem in our world that almost no one is talking about.
The paragraph on the bottom of page 24 felt like good news for those of us whose kids don’t seem to have any good/best friends. I feel like our culture so highly values kids “being social” and “having friends” and almost disdains children feeling/being close to their parents. Even at a young age. This is touched on again at the bottom of page 27. I’ve always felt a strong instinct against leaving my young kids with random caregivers (like in a church nursery), not because I think they’re going to be physically unsafe but because… it doesn’t feel right? They’re not attached to that adult, so it’s emotionally scary for them! But if you embrace this reality/perspective, you are an overbearing, overprotective mom and/or your kid is spoiled. (Eye roll.)
I love the theme in the book (they will talk about it more) that the ideas we have about the teenage years—like they will rebel, they will hate you, it’s just what happens!— are just that, ideas. They’re not inevitable. Those things do often happen, yes, but not necessarily because of nature.
Chapter 3 is entitled Why We’ve Come Undone. The chapter is basically their thoughts on why our kids so easily transfer their attachment instincts to peers in our modern culture. Things discussed are two parents working outside the home, issues with quality in the childcare that that requires, school and school culture, loss of extended family and other caring adult relationships due to increased mobility, the secularization of society (people no longer having a faith community), marital conflict and divorce, societal values (specifically consumerism over the healthy development of children), rapid change of culture and subsequent loss of customs and rituals, and the use of technology to communicate.
Some of my thoughts:
I would add that the messaging of feminism has played into this so much—that we as women have been taught that tending to home and children is oppressive, and that the real/important work lies outside the home. That’s not something they touched on. They say over and over it’s “economics,” and while that’s surely part of it, they’re missing a big piece by not talking about how feminist thought has infiltrated our culture completely. Maybe they don’t know (they are men, after all), or maybe they just aren’t gonna touch that (don’t blame them).
“There are no cultural customs in mainstream society that make it the first item of business for daycare workers and preschool teachers to form connections with the parents and then, through friendly introductions, to cultivate a working attachment with the child.” YES. When I first read this, I was blown away. This feels obvious to me as something that should happen, yet they’re right, it’s not a thing really at all. This is primarily a culture problem, not a parenting problem —and I love that theme throughout the book, because a) it’s true, and b) guilt and shame are not helpful in a process of doing/becoming better. They touch on this again at the bottom of p. 41 and into page 42. Such a beautiful thing that nature has provided that is just completely disregarded in our society.
The description of the community in France (p. 40-41): OMG. Can I move there. I loved this too because it shows concretely: things could be better if culture was better.
The last part of Chapter 3 made me sad, the lack of intergenerational socializing/interaction anymore. One thing that came to mind for me is the increase of child-free weddings. It’s very ironic to me to exclude children from a wedding celebration, when what is being celebrated is the beginning of a family; plus it’s just a lot less fun. I talk on Instagram here and there about this topic. Do I sometimes want to do things without my kids? Of course. But kids are people, too, and we are all worse off in a culture that sees excluding them as normal.
That’s it for now! Share any and all thoughts in a comment! Don’t feel pressure to leave a long comment either — a short one to let us know you’re reading along would be lovely!
Caught up 👏🏼 I feel like this book helps me understand my childhood and the dynamic of my family. I was definitely a peer-oriented child
Chapter 3 is finally what I've been waiting for-- the WHY behind the dominance of peer orientation. I'm a huge advocate for a cultural (and legal/ business) shift in extending maternity leave and that it's actually better economically in the long run, so I love that they tie in the economic argument as to why healthy adult attachments can have a direct impact on $$ also.
Interesting thought that feminism is also a driving factor for peer orientation and not just economics. I totally agree. Feminism has completely shifted the culture, social norms, and goals for mothers and women, that you should strive to do more than be present for your children. I feel this pressure all the time-- to not be a helicopter mom and let my children be autonomous. This book has given me permission to reclaim what feels natural as a parent, which might seem "clingy" or too protective, and also not feel forced to schedule my kids into various social activities. I've always felt this pressure to have autonomous kids that play on their own and self-entertain but now I'll welcome the chances to play with them and work on a healthy attachment.