So excited to have gathered some people for accountability and conversation around books! I started a book club in my old neighborhood, and while it was awesome, we—like most book clubs—read fiction. I’m psyched to dive into IDEAS with all of you, ideas about womanhood, motherhood, parenting, spirituality, church culture, and personal growth/healing (all my favorite topics). Maybe we’ll do a novel sometime down the line too, you never know.
First up is my favorite parenting book, Hold On to Your Kids. Let’s do this!
I’ve gone back and forth with how I want to lead conversation as we read together. As an English teacher, I felt the tension between having questions to guide discussion and leaving things more open-ended. I know a few former students read this newsletter, and I’m sure they recall my constant encouragement to “mark up the text” with reactions, connections, etc.! Discussion questions can be helpful, but I think discussion that stems from organic reader responses is often richer. So, I’ll play around with it and see how it goes!
Chapter 1 is entitled “Why Parents Matter More Than Ever” and starts off the first section of the book entitled “The Phenomenon of Peer Orientation.” Parenting in modern society is different than it used to be, they argue. They write:
“What has changed is the culture in which we are rearing our children. Children’s attachments to parents are no longer getting the support required from culture and society. Even parent-child relationships that at the beginning are powerful and fully nurturing can become undermined as our children move out into a world that no longer appreciates or reinforces the attachment bond.”
The chapter goes on to name “peer orientation” as the main thing undermining parenting authority and love.
Discussion questions/prompts
Here are some of my thoughts from Chapter 1. Read as you’re interested and use as a jumping off point for discussion as you’d like!
What do you know about the concept of attachment? Are you familiar with “attachment parenting” and do you identify as an attachment parent? What do you think needs to be done to create secure/healthy attachment with your children?
They write that “children cannot be oriented to both adults and other children simultaneously.” It isn’t that children don’t benefit from peer relationships; they do. It’s only a problem when peers have the dominant influence on the child’s development. What things in our culture or in individual families do you think leads to dominant peer influence? (The book gets into this but I’m curious about your thoughts right now!)
I found the section that starts on p. 9 (Normal But Not Natural or Healthy) up until the middle of page 11 absolutely fascinating. Instead of writing a rambly thing here, let us know in a comment any thoughts or reactions about that part and we can go from there!
I love how both authors admit that even they were shocked to see the extent of peer orientation in their own children, that it served as a “wake-up call” for how serious and pervasive this issue is. Gabor Mate always writes/speaks with this level of honestly and vulnerability and it’s one of the things I love about his work. They give many examples of their ideas and how they played out in their own parenting, which for me gives this book such a stamp of credibility!
This part had mixed reactions from me, both when I first read it and again the second time. I consider my style of parenting “respectful” and therefore for the most part trust my kids to know what they feel, need, etc. “A child does not know best” feels a little old-school Christian authoritarian to me. Because I know what they’re advocating overall, it wasn’t as bothersome the second time around, but I’m curious if anyone else cringed a little at these words:
“Children may know what they want, but it is dangerous to assume that they know what they need. To the peer-oriented child, it seems only natural to prefer contact with friends to closeness with family, to be with them as much as possible, to be as much like them as possible. A child does not know best. Parenting that takes its cues from the child’s preferences can get you retired long before the job is done. To nurture our children, we must reclaim them and take charge of providing for their attachment needs.”
This first chapter felt a bit heavy for me when I first read it. Like, THERE’S THIS HUGE, PERVASIVE ISSUE IN OUR CULTURE THAT MAKES PARENTING WELL IMPOSSIBLE. Like… cool, that’s extremely overwhelming! Haha. But I love how hopeful the end of the chapter is:
“Just as relationship is at the heart of our current parenting and teaching difficulties, it is also at the heart of the solution. Adults who ground their parenting in a solid relationship with the child parent intuitively. They do not have to resort to techniques or manuals but act from understanding and empathy. If we know how to be with our children and who to be for them, we need much less advice on what to do. Practical approaches emerge spontaneously from our own experience once the relationship has been restored.”
Okay, time for you to leave a comment (and reply to others’ comments!) Feel free to use any of my the above, and also feel free to just tell us: What is one part that stood out for you? What question(s) did the chapter bring up in your mind?
You have a week to engage in discussion about Chapter 1 and read Chapter 2. You can reply to this email with any questions!
1. I’ve heard of attachment parenting but don’t know all the details. I’ve also recently heard about attachments that people can have, like disorganized attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant, etc. they talk about this regarding how you relate to your spouse. Again, I haven’t really dug into those tho. I also realize that how we attached to our parents is highly going to affect how we attach to our spouses.
Healthy attachment starts from birth. A healthy birth and breastfeeding are wonderful parts of attachments. Being home with your littles and spending quality time with them with a healthy attitude.
2. I think the separation of the family starting at 6/8weeks after the baby is born. They are highly influenced by daycare and the children there. Shows that represent only children, instead of a whole family. Also public schools. Sports and social media. Basically the continual disruptions of the family unit.
5. Also not sure how I feel about this. I can see how children may think they know what they want but don’t fully understand overall what they need. I guess I can view it as this doesn’t have to be a black and white statement. Children do know what they need when it comes to sleep, food, etc, etc, but maybe they can easily trade family for friends because it feels like they get connection with little to no correction?
Overall, the first chapter was great. I am interested in reading more but at first look, I feel like since I’m already working on respectful/gentle parenting and the overall attachment to my children that this book will fit in nicely to what I’m already doing. But maybe there are other things I can work on, will find out in the chapters to come 😏
I have many thoughts :)
- I think that peers have become way more influential bc of the culture change in which mothers work outside of the home. As you all know, parenting is a more-than-full-time job. If there is not a dedicated person that has influence over the kids most of the time (moms being the most competent for the role), the kids find that connection/influence elsewhere...and where are kids spending most of their time in the average American household? At school w/ their peers. This is a huge culture problem; if we have both parents prioritizing income, then we have no parents prioritizing family.
I find myself trying to walk that fine line of letting my kids relate to and spend time w/ kids their own age, but not too much. There seems to be a natural indicator: when the kids start getting annoyed w/ one another, it's time for a break. But I'm always wondering, how much is enough and how much is too much?
- The structure of standardized school is poisonous. Kids are spending way too much time there, with very little benefit to show for it. It's really interesting to hear about parents being concerned w/ having little influence w/ their kids or a bond that's not so strong, when the biggest problem is staring us in the face: both parents working > necessity of school as a form of daycare > increased peer influence/priority > parental alienation.
- I hate to even type this out but early on in the book, he stated that *parents love their kids just as much as they ever did*. I don't think this is completely true. I think that, for generations, we've been taught to be selfish under the guise of independence & 'success' and this clearly shows up in parenting. There are many parents who see their kids as burdens, because our culture tells us that they should be like pets: easy, manageable, convenient. Culturally, kids seem to be off-putting at best and repulsive at worst. Now, could this be dependent on location? Sure. But these attitudes towards kids and child development are reflected in widespread media.